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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possessive in-laws or AIBU

119 replies

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 10:40

hi Everyone, looking for some rational perspectives.

Backstory. My husband and I have a 19 month old. DH’s parents live close by and visit us practically every single day to play with our daughter and bathe her. She’s quite attached to them, especially FIL who clearly loves her a lot. they themselves live with SIL, her boyfriend and daughter who is only marginally older than my DD.

my mom is visiting from a very distant country and is only here for a couple of weeks. Last time my DD saw her was about a year ago. DD is not super used to my mom so I’ve been trying to help them build a bond. In laws kept coming to my house everyday even when my mom was here and didn’t even consider giving us some space. Yesterday we asked them if it’s okay if me and my mom bathed and played with DD just the three of us to help them develop a bond. In laws got really offended and responded in a passive aggressive way. DH first got mad (he had to be the one to ask them not to come) but then saw my perspective.

Eventually, after a long conversation with DH, they sort of got un-offended. But I’m still furious with their sense kf entitlement and just general cluelessness. AIBU thinking I don’t need to ask for permission to spend ONE quiet evening with just my mom and daughter?

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 13/05/2023 10:44

You need to start being unavailable more. That would absolutely suffocate me. No way could I deal with visitors every single day.

SweetBlues · 13/05/2023 10:45

I wouldn’t be comfortable with my child’s bathing routine involving numerous people as a normally daily occurrence. It’s not something that requires multiple or an audience. I would curb that routine entirely.

Florin · 13/05/2023 10:50

Take your Mum out of this the fact that they visit every little day is crazy you need some time just you, your dh and baby. Anybody insisting they had to bath my child would also ring huge alarm bells.

As far as your Mum is concerned yes they should realise without you raising it they should give you space and give your Mum time with your baby. You really need to set some boundaries.

GCWorkNightmare · 13/05/2023 10:51

You say you “don’t need to ask permission” but you did. You could see this coming. You’ve spent a year and a half creating this situation. A conversation a few weeks ago about arrangements would have been a good idea.

Agree that it’s weird to make bathtime an extended family event. Get your partner on side and start cutting down access.

Murdoch1949 · 13/05/2023 11:06

It's a shame your in-laws were not more sensitive. They could have said to you that while your mum was here they would be scarce, apart from a polite catch up visit with her. That would have been the kind & thoughtful response.

AppleCinnamonBagel · 13/05/2023 11:08

A child's bath time is not a family event!

It's part of a bedtime routine. I'd knock that on the head asap.

Moneypenny007 · 13/05/2023 11:10

So basically ur one evening with your mum and daughter they caused a fuss and ruined it. So now this evening they'll be back over because you had your one evening of peace and it's back to normal now.

Pahpahpotato · 13/05/2023 11:11

Bit weird that they’re coming over every day (pretty much?) but even weirder that they’re so heavily involved in bedtime so as to bathe your child as a routine. I’d be reevaluating that for sure.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:14

Moneypenny007 · 13/05/2023 11:10

So basically ur one evening with your mum and daughter they caused a fuss and ruined it. So now this evening they'll be back over because you had your one evening of peace and it's back to normal now.

EXACTLY!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:14

I don’t know how to stop them without causing WW3

OP posts:
AllBlackEverything · 13/05/2023 11:14

It's really quite bizarre that your in laws come round for your child's bathtime every day.

Do you get any family time for just the three of you at all??

Why have you allowed this odd situation to happen on such a consistent basis?

HappyMe6 · 13/05/2023 11:15

I think you have created this situation, Why on earth did you not say something to them within the first seven days! You have to take a huge part of the blame here.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 13/05/2023 11:16

I’d phase it all out too. That’s way too much contact, your missing out on family time with her.

We have a baby in the family and most of us are respectful of each other.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:17

Murdoch1949 · 13/05/2023 11:06

It's a shame your in-laws were not more sensitive. They could have said to you that while your mum was here they would be scarce, apart from a polite catch up visit with her. That would have been the kind & thoughtful response.

Thank you for your comment. This is exactly what I expected and assumed. A different poster is saying I should’ve have assumed otherwise and prepared them for a different arrangement. Which is quite surprising tbh as they are civilised adults

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:20

HappyMe6 · 13/05/2023 11:15

I think you have created this situation, Why on earth did you not say something to them within the first seven days! You have to take a huge part of the blame here.

I agree with that. They are notorious guilt trippers and basically emotionally control my husband through guilt ripping, freezing out etc. I guess I was trying to avoid conflict in an unhealthy way. His mom also has cancer so that kind of doubles everything

OP posts:
Dogbasket · 13/05/2023 11:20

Wow, that would be way too much contact for me. They are far too involved in your life and selfish too.

itsmylife7 · 13/05/2023 11:22

When my dil mother visits for 10 days around 3 times a year I leave them all totally alone. Its just common decency in my opinion.

Dogbasket · 13/05/2023 11:22

For what it’s worth my in laws never got involved with bath time.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:23

itsmylife7 · 13/05/2023 11:22

When my dil mother visits for 10 days around 3 times a year I leave them all totally alone. Its just common decency in my opinion.

That’s what I expected as well. Common decency

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/05/2023 11:24

Christ I would not be putting up with that. You need to set boundaries now.

Who cares if they get upset? They don’t care about upsetting you.

Once a week would be too much for me nevermind everyday.

Maddy70 · 13/05/2023 11:28

Just tell them. You want your mum to yourself as she isbt here for very long and you will see them on Wednesday would they like to join you a for lunch

You dont need your dhs permission to set boundaries

Every day is too much in any case tell then that you heed your own family time too.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:29

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/05/2023 11:24

Christ I would not be putting up with that. You need to set boundaries now.

Who cares if they get upset? They don’t care about upsetting you.

Once a week would be too much for me nevermind everyday.

You said a very true thing. They don’t care about upsetting me. Never thought about that.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 13/05/2023 11:30

I would be putting an immediate stop to the daily visits and also them being involved in bath time. I think it's ridiculous that you asked them if it was OK for just you and your mum to do the routine - this is your baby, not theirs!! Their reaction to being told they wouldn't be doing it is a bit of a red flag too. You and your DH have created this situation now by being doormats, you need to undo it. Start implementing very firm boundaries. Ignore the guilt tripping.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:36

AllBlackEverything · 13/05/2023 11:14

It's really quite bizarre that your in laws come round for your child's bathtime every day.

Do you get any family time for just the three of you at all??

Why have you allowed this odd situation to happen on such a consistent basis?

They ar every attached to DD. They helped us out a lot after she was born and I had awful PND. We even lived with them for a time. Now we’ve got our own place and they theirs. They also have another granddaughter from SIL who they live with. However my DD is although it’s cringy to say somehow considered special cause an she’s extra bright kid and talks a lot etc. DHs mom also has cancer. I never thought personally that they would just start coming every day. My DH has substance issues because of how they raised him, with guilt tripping, controlling, neglect etc so I think it’s all connected.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 13/05/2023 11:38

I would use their reaction as a catalyst for a proper conversation about this, first with your DH, discussing how unreasonable their reaction was, and that they seem to feel possessive of your DD, that it isn't healthy, and that you want proper boundaries in place. Then you need to have a discussion with your PIL, as a united front, stating your boundaries.

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