Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possessive in-laws or AIBU

119 replies

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 10:40

hi Everyone, looking for some rational perspectives.

Backstory. My husband and I have a 19 month old. DH’s parents live close by and visit us practically every single day to play with our daughter and bathe her. She’s quite attached to them, especially FIL who clearly loves her a lot. they themselves live with SIL, her boyfriend and daughter who is only marginally older than my DD.

my mom is visiting from a very distant country and is only here for a couple of weeks. Last time my DD saw her was about a year ago. DD is not super used to my mom so I’ve been trying to help them build a bond. In laws kept coming to my house everyday even when my mom was here and didn’t even consider giving us some space. Yesterday we asked them if it’s okay if me and my mom bathed and played with DD just the three of us to help them develop a bond. In laws got really offended and responded in a passive aggressive way. DH first got mad (he had to be the one to ask them not to come) but then saw my perspective.

Eventually, after a long conversation with DH, they sort of got un-offended. But I’m still furious with their sense kf entitlement and just general cluelessness. AIBU thinking I don’t need to ask for permission to spend ONE quiet evening with just my mom and daughter?

OP posts:
ClementWeatherToday · 13/05/2023 16:31

@HadEnough2023

If you find a way to get them to stop coming every day let me know, I've been trying for years.

Apologies if this comes across as rude, I mean it very genuinely - what exactly have you been trying all these years?

Because, "The daily visits are too much so we won't be having you over so often any more. Would you like to come for lunch on Tuesday or tea on Thursday?" would seem to suffice. What precisely can they do? Cry? Ignore them. Shout? Ignore them. Refuse to speak to you? Enjoy it. Threaten to withhold inheritance? Plan to live without it. Get violent? Ring the police. Really really, they can't MAKE you let them in. If they have a key, change the locks. If they bang on the door, tell them (through a closed door!) to go away. Then just ignore them.

My MIL can be a bit overbearing, we had to have very firm boundaries (especially when our eldest son was born). But we told her no to several things, and now we have a good relationship with her because she respects us as adults.

What have you tried to get them to stop coming? A locked door and some earplugs should do it.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 13/05/2023 17:26

Why do they come over to bathe her? That's really weird...

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 17:42

OP,

You are utterly failing your child staying in this environment.

An alcoholic father.

Creepy dominating grandparents and a mother who doesn't think any of this is strange?

Unbelievable.

Your poor mother coming all that way and you allowed your creepy inlaws dominate her visit.

They were shit parents to your alcoholic partner and yet they are allowed to dominate your home.

Pack your bags and move away asap.

I would not trust these people.

There is something very off about a of this.

It is NOT normal.

Katherine1985 · 13/05/2023 18:07

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 17:42

OP,

You are utterly failing your child staying in this environment.

An alcoholic father.

Creepy dominating grandparents and a mother who doesn't think any of this is strange?

Unbelievable.

Your poor mother coming all that way and you allowed your creepy inlaws dominate her visit.

They were shit parents to your alcoholic partner and yet they are allowed to dominate your home.

Pack your bags and move away asap.

I would not trust these people.

There is something very off about a of this.

It is NOT normal.

I second every word of billy1966’s post

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 19:01

Gazelda · 13/05/2023 12:13

If I were you, and to keep the drama to a minimum, I'd say something like

"I was upset the other evening that I felt I needed to ask for some time alone with DM and DD. And that in turn I felt bad for you being so upset.
Which is madness. I'm sure you agree.
I see DM so infrequently, I wanted some quality time where for us to help DM build a close relationship with DD which you've both got.
I think we've all got too intertwined and I'd hate for it to cause any fallout.
For everyone's sake, we'll be doing the bath/bed routine on our own most evenings. We can fix a weekly 'nanny and grandad' evening where you guys can play to your hearts content.
How about Fridays?"

But if they don't accept that, then you might need to go hardball.

And for goodness sake, your DH needs to step up.

That’s a brilliant response, thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 19:05

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 15:17

Could you see more of your SIL and niece and (much) less of PIL?

Thank you Karen, both your comments are insightful. I will try to see more of them

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 19:11

ExtraOnions · 13/05/2023 13:00

As often gets said … you have a DH problem.

He’s an alcoholic (saying “issues” doesn’t really cut it), and gets drunk in the evenings. He blames his Alcoholism on his upbringing, but isn’t doing anything about it.

So what do his parents see? A woman with a young baby, who struggled with PND, who also has an alcoholic partner … so I wonder if (in a clumsy way) think that they are supporting you ?

Your DH needs to get his act together.. which includes managing his parents, stopping drinking, and supporting you.

You are right. DH, although he loves DD to bits, isn’t always on top of his parenting duties. So they saw a gap and filled it. To be fair to him, his parents have always emotionally dominated him and he doesn’t know how to deal with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 19:12

GabriellaMontez · 13/05/2023 11:59

You might have to cause ww3...

Better than having them hovering all the time.

Asking permission, to not have them over for one evening... that's awful.

Go out with your mum. Come back late. Tell them not to come round again, until she's left.

Show quote history

I will do exactly that tomorrow

OP posts:
imjustanerd · 13/05/2023 19:22

I really feel for you, I had similar with my in-laws but nowhere near as bad. That's just absolutely suffocating no way could I see someone everyday like that, let alone bathing my child everyday.

The constant pushing boundaries and guilt tripping sounds very familiar, they don't care about upsetting you at all do they?

You're dp needs to grow a pair and put some serious boundaries in place now as it will only get worse.

Monkeynuts57 · 13/05/2023 19:32

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/05/2023 11:24

Christ I would not be putting up with that. You need to set boundaries now.

Who cares if they get upset? They don’t care about upsetting you.

Once a week would be too much for me nevermind everyday.

Totally agree with this ^^

Treesoutsidemywindow · 13/05/2023 20:00

OP if you find it too much to tell them face to face, then just text them and say 'I realised after you got upset when I asked you to give me and my mother some time alone with DD, that we've allowed feeding and bath time to become a habit which doesn't actually work for us, and prevents DH spending as much time parenting his DD as he should have. Out of respect for you he's reluctant to say anything, but I've decided that the visits every evening have to stop NOW! Maybe after my mother goes home we can discuss a regular day when you can spend time with DD, but for now, please don't come round until we invite you.

If they start guilt tripping you, just say, I've told you that this habit is not good for our family, and if you insist on trying to make us feel guilty, I'm afraid we'll have to stop ALL contact, as I can't allow this to continue!

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 20:12

Treesoutsidemywindow · 13/05/2023 20:00

OP if you find it too much to tell them face to face, then just text them and say 'I realised after you got upset when I asked you to give me and my mother some time alone with DD, that we've allowed feeding and bath time to become a habit which doesn't actually work for us, and prevents DH spending as much time parenting his DD as he should have. Out of respect for you he's reluctant to say anything, but I've decided that the visits every evening have to stop NOW! Maybe after my mother goes home we can discuss a regular day when you can spend time with DD, but for now, please don't come round until we invite you.

If they start guilt tripping you, just say, I've told you that this habit is not good for our family, and if you insist on trying to make us feel guilty, I'm afraid we'll have to stop ALL contact, as I can't allow this to continue!

Texting this is a good idea.

Sort out your contraception and dont inflict this alcoholic and his awful family on another poor child.

Your boundaries are askew that you think any of this is normal.

They couldn't care less about you.

All his creepy parents care about is what they want.

If his mother dies, his father will be living with you in 5 minutes and that bullied alcoholic you live with won't be able to say no.

Runaway1 · 13/05/2023 21:42

SchoolTripDrama · 13/05/2023 12:51

I find it really disturbing that your FIL insists on bathing her 😳

So do I. Massive red flag. Especially along with your functioning alcoholic dh. Protect your daughter.

Runaway1 · 13/05/2023 21:52

You’re saying nothing disturbing has happened because the door is open. But think what your daughter is being raised to think is normal. Three grown adults present at her bathing. FIL present at her bathing. As pp have said, at what age will
this stop? You need to raise her to have bodily autonomy. Google pantasaurus and the NSPCC.

Geppili · 14/05/2023 00:54

Ffs stop them bathing your child! Put your big girl pants on and protect your child. They sound absolutely suffocating and a bit sinister.

Geppili · 14/05/2023 01:02

Also read up on family enmeshment.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/05/2023 07:39

You really need to put some boundaries in. They have none.

How can you stand them descending on you every single day?

Are you quite young?

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 14/05/2023 08:15

I think this has done you a favour in a way as it's brought about a situation that allows you to raise the issue. Once your DM has left you can have a discussion that it was wrong that you felt you had to ask permission about allowing your DM to spend time with YOUR child, and their reaction to the request was poor.

Gazelda's response above is very good. It's a time to start setting some boundaries and teaching your DD about body autonomy too. Good luck OP.

AllBlackEverything · 14/05/2023 11:08

Have you said anything to your in laws yet @Cliffordthedog? I've been wondering how it went, better or worse than you anticipated?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread