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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possessive in-laws or AIBU

119 replies

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 10:40

hi Everyone, looking for some rational perspectives.

Backstory. My husband and I have a 19 month old. DH’s parents live close by and visit us practically every single day to play with our daughter and bathe her. She’s quite attached to them, especially FIL who clearly loves her a lot. they themselves live with SIL, her boyfriend and daughter who is only marginally older than my DD.

my mom is visiting from a very distant country and is only here for a couple of weeks. Last time my DD saw her was about a year ago. DD is not super used to my mom so I’ve been trying to help them build a bond. In laws kept coming to my house everyday even when my mom was here and didn’t even consider giving us some space. Yesterday we asked them if it’s okay if me and my mom bathed and played with DD just the three of us to help them develop a bond. In laws got really offended and responded in a passive aggressive way. DH first got mad (he had to be the one to ask them not to come) but then saw my perspective.

Eventually, after a long conversation with DH, they sort of got un-offended. But I’m still furious with their sense kf entitlement and just general cluelessness. AIBU thinking I don’t need to ask for permission to spend ONE quiet evening with just my mom and daughter?

OP posts:
SuperSange · 13/05/2023 11:42

So, what are you going to do? When she gets older, she'll be crying for her Gran at bedtime. How will you feel then? She doesn't care about your feelings, so stop caring about hers.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 13/05/2023 11:43

So what she has cancer? It doesn’t mean she gets to have so much time with your dd and manipulate you both.

You never get anywhere appeasing people who are unreasonable.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:45

DH thinks it’s not unhealthy for them to be coming over everyday. But then he just sits with his phone the whole time while they play with her. And I have to make conversation, play hostess etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:46

MangoBiscuit · 13/05/2023 11:38

I would use their reaction as a catalyst for a proper conversation about this, first with your DH, discussing how unreasonable their reaction was, and that they seem to feel possessive of your DD, that it isn't healthy, and that you want proper boundaries in place. Then you need to have a discussion with your PIL, as a united front, stating your boundaries.

DH thinks it’s not unhealthy for them to be coming over everyday. But then he just sits with his phone the whole time while they play with her. And I have to make conversation, play hostess etc

OP posts:
L1ttledrummergirl · 13/05/2023 11:47

My advice after your updates- take your dd home with your mum for a holiday and never return.
It sounds hellish. Your dh using substances isn't much help to you.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:48

SuperSange · 13/05/2023 11:42

So, what are you going to do? When she gets older, she'll be crying for her Gran at bedtime. How will you feel then? She doesn't care about your feelings, so stop caring about hers.

DD only wants me at bedtimes in fact, we have the best bond ever. But one time I was putting DD to sleep and FIL literally walked into the bedroom and tried to take over from me. This led to a confrontation and didn’t happen again

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/05/2023 11:49

Is your DH addicted to drugs OP? Honestly, get yourself out of this entirely batshit crazy family.

HadEnough2023 · 13/05/2023 11:50

Ughh my MIL is the same, comes every day but doesn't bother with the kids. Just sits on the sofa being a pain in the arse making passive aggressive comments.
When my mum stays, my mum is just blunt "oh I've just cooked dinner, we're having our dinner aren't we HadEnough?" Till she gets the point and leaves.

If you find a way to get them to stop coming every day let me know, I've been trying for years.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:50

L1ttledrummergirl · 13/05/2023 11:47

My advice after your updates- take your dd home with your mum for a holiday and never return.
It sounds hellish. Your dh using substances isn't much help to you.

Sometimes I wish I could do that. But the country in question is not currently a safe
place to be. (I think that makes the point esp salient cause my mom came all the way from there just to see DD). DH abuses alcohol but is a good person otherwise, just very controlled emotionally by PILs

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:52

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/05/2023 11:49

Is your DH addicted to drugs OP? Honestly, get yourself out of this entirely batshit crazy family.

Just alcohol. Sorry didn’t mean to exaggerate but it’s also considered substance abuse I think? Should’ve been more clear. They literally adore my DD and I think are trying to have a do-over cause their own kids turned out damaged (surprise!)

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 13/05/2023 11:52

Your DH is alcoholic because of his parents and yet you still allow so much contact with these toxic people??

GabriellaMontez · 13/05/2023 11:59

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:14

I don’t know how to stop them without causing WW3

You might have to cause ww3...

Better than having them hovering all the time.

Asking permission, to not have them over for one evening... that's awful.

Go out with your mum. Come back late. Tell them not to come round again, until she's left.

GabriellaMontez · 13/05/2023 12:00

It's great that they helped you when you were ill. That doesn't give them licence to do whatever they want indefinitely.

Overthehill123 · 13/05/2023 12:11

However lovely grandparents bond are- this is weird. And will likely only get worse, you need to advocate for yourself and for your daughter. She clearly loves them but look how much they damaged your husband, do you want that for your child? Boundaries are so needed

Gazelda · 13/05/2023 12:13

If I were you, and to keep the drama to a minimum, I'd say something like

"I was upset the other evening that I felt I needed to ask for some time alone with DM and DD. And that in turn I felt bad for you being so upset.
Which is madness. I'm sure you agree.
I see DM so infrequently, I wanted some quality time where for us to help DM build a close relationship with DD which you've both got.
I think we've all got too intertwined and I'd hate for it to cause any fallout.
For everyone's sake, we'll be doing the bath/bed routine on our own most evenings. We can fix a weekly 'nanny and grandad' evening where you guys can play to your hearts content.
How about Fridays?"

But if they don't accept that, then you might need to go hardball.

And for goodness sake, your DH needs to step up.

Lindjam · 13/05/2023 12:16

So does your DH not work?

What would happen if you were at playgroups/out with friends/out with DD alone when they came round?

I would be moving far far away. Without the alcoholic partner if he won’t agree.

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 12:19

Lindjam · 13/05/2023 12:16

So does your DH not work?

What would happen if you were at playgroups/out with friends/out with DD alone when they came round?

I would be moving far far away. Without the alcoholic partner if he won’t agree.

he works, he’s actually got a great job and is successful in his career. But he WFH half the week. He’s a big guy so is able to get pretty drunk and then still perform at work the next day. They only come in the evenings when they know DD is about to have dinner/go to the bath. Although sometimes they do drop in en route somewhere without warning

OP posts:
Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 12:20

Lindjam · 13/05/2023 12:16

So does your DH not work?

What would happen if you were at playgroups/out with friends/out with DD alone when they came round?

I would be moving far far away. Without the alcoholic partner if he won’t agree.

yes, I am already looking for places in a different city

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 13/05/2023 12:29

Your poor mother. She has travelled a long way. Please stick up for her. Get your child away from this family. They will mess her up.

GCWorkNightmare · 13/05/2023 12:38

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:36

They ar every attached to DD. They helped us out a lot after she was born and I had awful PND. We even lived with them for a time. Now we’ve got our own place and they theirs. They also have another granddaughter from SIL who they live with. However my DD is although it’s cringy to say somehow considered special cause an she’s extra bright kid and talks a lot etc. DHs mom also has cancer. I never thought personally that they would just start coming every day. My DH has substance issues because of how they raised him, with guilt tripping, controlling, neglect etc so I think it’s all connected.

Show quote history

Why, given all that, would you have assumed they would have common decency?

Behaviour is communication. You allowing them to call the shots has encouraged this.

GCWorkNightmare · 13/05/2023 12:40

SuperSange · 13/05/2023 11:42

So, what are you going to do? When she gets older, she'll be crying for her Gran at bedtime. How will you feel then? She doesn't care about your feelings, so stop caring about hers.

You don’t HAVE TO do anything of the sort.

Wenfy · 13/05/2023 12:46

I don’t think you should be changing your dd’s routine for a mum who visits once a year at best. Like it or not it is your in laws that are treating you like a daughter & not your mum. Where was your mum when they were the ones who supported you during your pnd and you were living with them? My own mil used to visit from India (despite having no English) as much as her visa allowed to support her daughter.

This is NOT a normal in law situation and you should stop engaging with it as such. You need to think of this from the perspective that your mum is a guest, a visitor who your child doesn’t trust or know and shouldn’t be involved in a child’s bathtime routine just because you want to equalise things.

SchoolTripDrama · 13/05/2023 12:51

I find it really disturbing that your FIL insists on bathing her 😳

Equalitea · 13/05/2023 12:52

In the kindest possible way it might be an idea to create some distance between them and your daughter if your DH has those issues because of them and they still guilt trip and freeze etc.
As a mother it would be my instinct to protect the same happening to my child from them.
They clearly don’t care about what you want/feel/think so it’s important that you stand your ground and advocate for your daughter (who the hell needs such a bath time audience anyway?!)

PinkArt · 13/05/2023 12:55

You don't have to play hostess, you don't have to open the door to them (change the lock if they have a key), you don't have to have anyone over to your house on a daily basis, you don't have to go along with this insane level of enmeshment, you don't have to stay with an alcoholic partner. You have choices here but it sounds like they've weighed you down into not thinking you do. It's great they supported you during PND but you don't owe them for that, that's just something you do when someone you care for is struggling.