Possessive in-laws or AIBU

[Cliffordthedog]

hi Everyone, looking for some rational perspectives.

Backstory. My husband and I have a 19 month old. DH’s parents live close by and visit us practically every single day to play with our daughter and bathe her. She’s quite attached to them, especially FIL who clearly loves her a lot. they themselves live with SIL, her boyfriend and daughter who is only marginally older than my DD.

my mom is visiting from a very distant country and is only here for a couple of weeks. Last time my DD saw her was about a year ago. DD is not super used to my mom so I’ve been trying to help them build a bond. In laws kept coming to my house everyday even when my mom was here and didn’t even consider giving us some space. Yesterday we asked them if it’s okay if me and my mom bathed and played with DD just the three of us to help them develop a bond. In laws got really offended and responded in a passive aggressive way. DH first got mad (he had to be the one to ask them not to come) but then saw my perspective.

Eventually, after a long conversation with DH, they sort of got un-offended. But I’m still furious with their sense kf entitlement and just general cluelessness. AIBU thinking I don’t need to ask for permission to spend ONE quiet evening with just my mom and daughter?

Good grief they messed their own kids up and see yours as a second chance 🤦🏻‍♀️

Err, no.

Your daughter is their "do-over baby"...?

They come over every single day and take over your parental duties?

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. This is not normal.

Please transplant some steel into your spine and stand up to them.

I never bathed my grandchildren unless I was babysitting or they were staying with me. It's a weird habit they have adopted. Can you change your bathing routine to mornings, and a wash in the evenings? Just until you have them out of your hair. For how long will this crazy practice carry on for, until your daughter is 10? Tell the in laws you are using the evenings for reading to her as she needs this one to one time and likes to learn.

As often gets said … you have a DH problem.

He’s an alcoholic (saying “issues” doesn’t really cut it), and gets drunk in the evenings. He blames his Alcoholism on his upbringing, but isn’t doing anything about it.

So what do his parents see? A woman with a young baby, who struggled with PND, who also has an alcoholic partner … so I wonder if (in a clumsy way) think that they are supporting you ?

Your DH needs to get his act together.. which includes managing his parents, stopping drinking, and supporting you.

Was this a different thread Wenfy? No one on this thread has said anything near 'you should be grateful' - this is very weird behaviour from her in-laws.

@Wenfy HOW are they going "above & beyond?!" They're literally controlling OP and forcing themselves onto her child and taking over every single evening! Are you reading a different thread?!

So in summary, the paternal GPs are no net help at all, you simply lose time with your daughter in exchange for running after the in-laws? Fuck test for a start- you can legitimately tell them it's creating you much stress for you to continually host. Maybe also tell them dd gets overestimated at her current state of development?

100% this.

My tip would be to get your mum's visit over with first though.

Then have the conversation with your DH about how unreasonable he was initially and then his parents were and you're not happy with playing 4th fiddle to your child. So going forwards, bath time is not a time for Nana and Grandad, it's time for your DD and her parents only.
Nana and Grandad visit twice a week for a while and then once a week and it is an arranged visit, not a 'oh we were just passing and we thought we'd pop in" type of visit. Make one of those visits a lunch visit and another a dinner visit, so that they don't feel that it's rushed.

While it is lovely having a strong bond between the generations, they are overstepping here. Your daughter is not a doll for them to play with.

Before too long, your daughter will be going to school and then have her own activities that you will be bringing her to and parties and whatnot.

The thing is, you must be setting the boundaries now. Your daughter will thank you for it in the long run.

Ooh no Op-if they failed their own kids they don't ge to use yours to try to make themselves better.

Your ILs sound awful & your husband useless.

@Cliffordthedog just read your updates, I think you would be wise to start planning how to get out of this country and return home. It seems to me you are vulnerable. Think about it and start planning, it may take a year to set up, keep it secret. Think about it.

@Cliffordthedog apologies, I think I misunderstood, it’s your mum’s country that is currently unsafe. I still think you should get away from your DH and his weird family.

Can you book a hotel so you, your child and mum have alone time? Is there a plan for your inlaws to do childcare if you are returning to work?

Sorry but your dh sounds utterly useless, he is loving having his parents come over and do all the childcare because it means he can sit on his ass on his phone and drink! Put a stop to it now, set boundaries, tell them you appreciate all their help but you don't need them or want them to do this anymore, maybe tell them weekends they can help with bathtime etc. Stop letting them in, if you open the door then you are continuing this routine. There is no way I would let my in laws on my own parents in my house every day and taking over my time with my children.

Everything is terrible in this set up

*A drunk of a husband who can't tell his parents, enough is enough.

*He sits on his phone and doesn't make an effort but can get bladdered enough to go to work the next day because he is 'a big guy' I mean who cares if he is a toothpick or built like a sack of spuds.

*A father in law who was furious at you suggesting to have some alone time with your own mother and decided to have a go at you.

*Inlaws who over step boundaries and bathe and feed your child every evening! I mean I cant even imagine you, grandpa and grandma all of you in the bathroom huddled over the baby getting washed by all of you. Its such a bizzare set up. I love bath time and dinner time and enjoying the family time. I have 6 kids so very busy times, but I cant fathom my fil, who is fantastic and kind, coming over every evening at 6 on the dot to feed my toddler and bath her every single night and demanding and getting cross.

I would leave .
I don't know what country your mother Is from. But somewhere has to be better than this.
Your child cant grow up around dysfunctional grandparents and an alcoholic father.

Please leave.
Wish you all the best

At what age are you going to stop these people insisting on bathing your daughter? Are you just going to let them do it regardless of her feelings when she’s older? What if she comes to you and says she wants it to stop but you won’t because you don’t want ‘ww3’?

Do you not see how odd it is that you let them do this everyday? You’re putting them before your daughter and that’s crap.

You and your husband are waaaay too passive.

Me too. That’s what jumped out. Especially that it’s not an occasional bathtime as part of a general visit.

I’d want to know more about why their daughter’s life hasn’t turned out well.

It’s the MAIN part of the day they visit for, every day. And FIL came in a bedroom to try and take DD from you.

This thing with your DM is so awful I don’t need to add to previous comments.

Another reason I wouldn’t want to enable their weird fixation on your DD who’s seen as special is that the other GD is going to realise at some point and be hurt. It all seems to be a pattern of abuse that started with their children. They don’t ‘adore’ your DD, sorry - I think something is very wrong here.

The very fact you had to ask shows there is a problem.
Normal thinking people would obviously step back and give you some space. Don't ask again tell them your busy can't let them visit. Take charge.

That’s so suffocating. I couldn’t put up with that. Put a stop to it. It’s already been going on far too long.

I feel for you op. My mil after I got married and lived very close by used to pop in very often. I started to not answer the door. And then she started to call before coming. She is quite pushy. Told her that I'm actually busy so now is not a good time. To which she replied it's OK I will come. After that I stopped answering her phone calls and would call back much later. She soon got the message.

I think unfortunately you are going to have to ruffle a few feathers if this set up is not working for you and you are not happy with it. But DH needs to be on board.

If you want your mum to spend more time with DD then you need to limit the time they spend by telling them. And remind them that your mum is only here for a limited time with DD.

This. and you did phrase the request to them as asking permission. New boundaries need to be set. They currently have none. Considerate people would have given you and your Mum a bit of space, given her long distance usually.

Do it it needs ww3 this is majorly fucked up. Even just the daily visits let alone the bathing. Telll them not to come for a week and no more bathing as you need DD to settle just you if you ever go away. They can visit a few times a week.

this is so far from normal

This is horrific.

You do realise you are doing the same to your DD and setting her up for a life time of issues? The way your husband is the same thing will happen to your DD. You need to go low or no contact. You owe them nothing cancer or not.

If your DH’s upbringing was so bad it contributed to substance abuse as an adult you need to seriously limit how much time your child spends with them.

Also you mention that they control DH and by extension, you, by guilt-tripping and then freezing out if you don't obey. I've had to deal with people like that I can tell you that constant guilt-tripping has you walking on eggshells. You can never do enough to stem the guilt trip with people like this - because its working marvelously for them.

From what you've said of their behaviour being "frozen out" by them would be a complete respite.

Call their bluff - what can they do about it once they've enacted their threat?