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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possessive in-laws or AIBU

119 replies

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 10:40

hi Everyone, looking for some rational perspectives.

Backstory. My husband and I have a 19 month old. DH’s parents live close by and visit us practically every single day to play with our daughter and bathe her. She’s quite attached to them, especially FIL who clearly loves her a lot. they themselves live with SIL, her boyfriend and daughter who is only marginally older than my DD.

my mom is visiting from a very distant country and is only here for a couple of weeks. Last time my DD saw her was about a year ago. DD is not super used to my mom so I’ve been trying to help them build a bond. In laws kept coming to my house everyday even when my mom was here and didn’t even consider giving us some space. Yesterday we asked them if it’s okay if me and my mom bathed and played with DD just the three of us to help them develop a bond. In laws got really offended and responded in a passive aggressive way. DH first got mad (he had to be the one to ask them not to come) but then saw my perspective.

Eventually, after a long conversation with DH, they sort of got un-offended. But I’m still furious with their sense kf entitlement and just general cluelessness. AIBU thinking I don’t need to ask for permission to spend ONE quiet evening with just my mom and daughter?

OP posts:
ConcernedCatmother · 13/05/2023 14:59

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:36

They ar every attached to DD. They helped us out a lot after she was born and I had awful PND. We even lived with them for a time. Now we’ve got our own place and they theirs. They also have another granddaughter from SIL who they live with. However my DD is although it’s cringy to say somehow considered special cause an she’s extra bright kid and talks a lot etc. DHs mom also has cancer. I never thought personally that they would just start coming every day. My DH has substance issues because of how they raised him, with guilt tripping, controlling, neglect etc so I think it’s all connected.

Show quote history

Inlaws raised their son with “guilt tripping, controlling & neglect”……..and you’re letting them essentially bring up your DD….very odd OP. Id be giving them a huge birth, quarterly visits kind of thing

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 15:01

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 13:49

Me too. That’s what jumped out. Especially that it’s not an occasional bathtime as part of a general visit.

I’d want to know more about why their daughter’s life hasn’t turned out well.

It’s the MAIN part of the day they visit for, every day. And FIL came in a bedroom to try and take DD from you.

This thing with your DM is so awful I don’t need to add to previous comments.

Another reason I wouldn’t want to enable their weird fixation on your DD who’s seen as special is that the other GD is going to realise at some point and be hurt. It all seems to be a pattern of abuse that started with their children. They don’t ‘adore’ your DD, sorry - I think something is very wrong here.

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Thank you for your perspective. There’s nothing nasty obviously, the door is open and I come in to check on them frequently. But the overall pattern is weird and I agree with that.

it turns out they have been virtually neglecting the other GD (SILs daughter who literally lives with them). They rarely take her for walks or babysit. This is also disturbing to me. She is a very sweet child. My daughter is precocious in her intelligence and speech while the other GD is still not speaking although she is gifted athletically (which is ignored apparently by them). They spend A LOT more time doting on DD than the other GD which is causing SIL a lot of pain. I only learned this today. This js disturbing to me because it feels that they only love her cause she’s unusually smart, cute, whatever.

OP posts:
Kaiserchief · 13/05/2023 15:05

It sounds like this weird situation has been going on for way too long and it’s only come to a head because of the visit.

My mum lives in the next road and sees my kids once a month or every other month! She’s the other end of the scale 😆

Original poster
Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 15:09

ConcernedCatmother · 13/05/2023 14:59

Inlaws raised their son with “guilt tripping, controlling & neglect”……..and you’re letting them essentially bring up your DD….very odd OP. Id be giving them a huge birth, quarterly visits kind of thing

Show quote history

theyre definitely not raising her. They spend 2 hrs a day with her and take her out on weekends. But it is too much.

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 13/05/2023 15:13

Surely this is just - We will do bath time and bed time but if you want to let us know when you want to come round and see DD let us know.

Hard to break a habit though

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 15:15

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 15:01

Thank you for your perspective. There’s nothing nasty obviously, the door is open and I come in to check on them frequently. But the overall pattern is weird and I agree with that.

it turns out they have been virtually neglecting the other GD (SILs daughter who literally lives with them). They rarely take her for walks or babysit. This is also disturbing to me. She is a very sweet child. My daughter is precocious in her intelligence and speech while the other GD is still not speaking although she is gifted athletically (which is ignored apparently by them). They spend A LOT more time doting on DD than the other GD which is causing SIL a lot of pain. I only learned this today. This js disturbing to me because it feels that they only love her cause she’s unusually smart, cute, whatever.

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That’s how they’re controlling your SIL - causing her pain by favouring a different GC. It won’t even be about the cute factor - it’s just control. Keeping SIL feeling worthless and/or helpless keeps them in control. I’m sad for her that she lives with them too

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 15:17

Could you see more of your SIL and niece and (much) less of PIL?

BlastedPimples · 13/05/2023 15:17

Your in laws are so intrusive. Your dd is not their child yet they are behaving as if she is.

And if anyone puts boundaries in they get angry as if you're depriving them.

This is not normal behavior. It's suffocating. Controlling. Over the top. Intrusive. Disturbing actually.

Do they not have a life if their own?

I would move house actually to the other side of the country. I couldn't bear this.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2023 15:21

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:14

I don’t know how to stop them without causing WW3

So? I'd be quite happy with WW3. Then they won't come so much.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2023 15:22

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 11:45

DH thinks it’s not unhealthy for them to be coming over everyday. But then he just sits with his phone the whole time while they play with her. And I have to make conversation, play hostess etc

Then you have to put a stop to it.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2023 15:25

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 15:09

theyre definitely not raising her. They spend 2 hrs a day with her and take her out on weekends. But it is too much.

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Way too much!

Stop the weekends - be out till they get the message!

Maybe go out with your SiL and create a good bond between the cousins.

But do move. ASAP

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 15:27

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2023 15:22

Then you have to put a stop to it.

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It’s not that it’s necessarily unhealthy in itself. There are children that live with parents and grandparents.

But it is unhealthy in the context of their behaviour and the way they treat their adult children and you

Mulhollandmagoo · 13/05/2023 15:28

Cliffordthedog · 13/05/2023 15:09

theyre definitely not raising her. They spend 2 hrs a day with her and take her out on weekends. But it is too much.

Show quote history

Yes, it's far far too much! Especially if they create merry hell when you try and change the status quo. It is really odd they fixate on bath time too 😟 I would start easing away from them, bath her in the morning and when they come round tell them she has already had a bath today so doesn't need another.

While your mum is here, change things up. Go out of an evening, you, your mum and your daughter - go out for dinner? I also used to love in this weather, putting my daughter's PJ's on and going for a nice pre-bed walk. If you're not there when they get there what can they do, your husband will have to deal with them.

Not only is what they're doing odd and overbearing, it's actually really cruel to your mum who hardly ever gets to see her grandchild. Stop putting them and their feelings before everyone.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 13/05/2023 15:33

theyre definitely not raising her. They spend 2 hrs a day with her and take her out on weekends. But it is too much.

That's a rediculous amount. I think you have completely lost sight of what is normal.

Read a booked on boundaries. So what if it creates WW3 to asert some boundaries the alternative is to put up with this for years.

diddl · 13/05/2023 15:35

theyre definitely not raising her. They spend 2 hrs a day with her and take her out on weekends. But it is too much.

It absolutely is!

Imagine if they are still wanting that when she's at school.

They may have helped when you had PND (or they or their son may have added to it/caused it!), but any decent adults would have helped in such a situation if they could.

They did nothing extraordinary!

Rosesarered222 · 13/05/2023 15:37

This is a really unusual set up. I also find it so weird that you feel the grandparents favour you child because shes smarter. Really odd!

EsmeSusanOgg · 13/05/2023 15:39

SweetBlues · 13/05/2023 10:45

I wouldn’t be comfortable with my child’s bathing routine involving numerous people as a normally daily occurrence. It’s not something that requires multiple or an audience. I would curb that routine entirely.

It just sounds like a lot of hardwork too! And difficult to maintain as time goes on. Every night too...

Lindjam · 13/05/2023 15:40

WW3 would be a fantastic outcome surely?

They can piss off and leave you to it.

GrumpyPanda · 13/05/2023 15:41

Not in the UK so may be totally wrong - but don't grandparent's aquire certain legal rights of their own if they play such a central role in a child's life? At least that would be the case where I'm based. Something to consider in case the relationship with your alcoholic partner goes pear-shaped.

azlazee1 · 13/05/2023 16:05

Why are they bathing and caring for your daughter daily. I would put a stop to it now. Every day visiting isn't a help in my book, it's an inconvenience. Discuss with DH and maybe you can agree to a couple of days a week where IL's have a play date. It will no doubt upset IL's but daily visiting is crossing a line in my book. Anyway, good luck!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 13/05/2023 16:10

Fist of all you don’t ask your in laws for permission regarding your daughter. They don’t have exclusive rights to her, any interaction with her is via your invitation.
She is your child, you and dh are the parents and they need to respect this. Your little one is not there to provide them with entertainment or to fill a gap in their lives. It’s time to wean them off their dependence on her, start by limiting the number of times they visit.
I couldn’t have coped with them coming round for bathtime everyday, that needs to stop. You can do this, ignore the guilt tripping, be less available, go out more, join playgroups. I found it was easier to visit mine at their house as I decided when to leave.

aloris · 13/05/2023 16:16

2 hours a day is a lot and must interfere greatly with your family life with your husband and child. Them invading your time with your mother is unacceptable. I don't understand why you aren't angrier about it. Sometimes solving a conflict will require that you accept some hostile feelings from others - if everyone agreed on everything and had the same agenda, there would BE no conflict. You are the mother of this child, you have a right to say no to them invading your family life on a daily basis like this, and especially when they are preventing your mother from bonding with your child. Unless your husband is using coercive control on you, you can use your veto power as the mum and just say, no, you're not welcome until my mother leaves.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 13/05/2023 16:16

GrumpyPanda · 13/05/2023 15:41

Not in the UK so may be totally wrong - but don't grandparent's aquire certain legal rights of their own if they play such a central role in a child's life? At least that would be the case where I'm based. Something to consider in case the relationship with your alcoholic partner goes pear-shaped.

Grandparents don’t have automatic rights to their grandchildren. They can apply to the court to apply for permission to apply for access. But they have to prove they have had a good relationship with regular contact with the child.

LindyLou2020 · 13/05/2023 16:16

@Cliffordthedog
I'm writing this from another angle - different circumstances to you, but a similar scenario in some ways.
My daughter lives in another country now, and is married to a man from that country.
His parents are friendly, caring, hospitable people, but.........they did indulge their son from when he was born, and he is the first to admit it.
I wouldn't describe them as controlling, but they can be quite overpowering, and still want to be very involved in his life.
Nothing wrong with wanting to be involved in your adult child's life of course, but not to the extent where you want to be with them all the time, or offer unwanted advice which suits their needs, not his.
He can now be very assertive and stand his ground, but it's still difficult.
I'm only posting this as a gentle warning regarding the present and future - if your PIL's behaviour is not nipped in the bud now, they will just carry on as they are, and it will become more complex as your DD grows up.

SpilltheTea · 13/05/2023 16:17

You need to stop being so passive. Don't ask them, tell them it's not okay. They don't care about your feelings or your poor Mum's. They don't care about your daughter having a chance to bond with her grandmother. I'd move asap.