To ask for your positives to having a newborn

[elm26]

Hello! Me again 😂

38 weeks and I'm SICK of hearing "you're tired? just you wait!", "your life will never be the same!", "your whole day and night will be a cycle of feed, wipe bum and settle", "get used to a cold cup of tea" etc etc etc

It's driving me insane and as somebody who has had depression and anxiety all of my life, it's really kicking my anxiety off to the point I'm wondering if I will enjoy any of it at all?

A little bit of background, I'm 29, married with a lovely/supportive/hard working/kind DH, we've had 13 miscarriages, we have an 8 year old spaniel, great family and friends. I count myself very lucky.

I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime to get this far into a pregnancy, I have been so ill throughout with Hyperemesis, covid, one thing after the other but I'm here, full term, we've made it.

Am I naive to think that yes it's going to be hard, yes we are going to be exhausted, yes there will be poo explosions, sick down a clean outfit, piles of laundry but it's also going to be a really special time with special moments and memories and so much love? Am I naive to believe that me and DH will cope/make a good team? (We aren't perfect and of course bicker/fall out on occasion and I imagine that being sleep deprived etc will probably elevate those frustrations that us humans have sometimes).

I honestly haven't heard anyone say one positive thing to me about being a Mum to a newborn. They all can't wait to meet her and have cuddles etc, they are so happy for us but they make it clear that it's a relief that it's not them doing it again!

I feel like I'm already thinking about baby being 6 because I'm nervous for what's to come and it's making me sad, hormones eh?!

Just to add I had prenatal depression with both of mine. I loved the newborn stage (and my second wasn’t an ‘easy’ baby).

I absolutely LOVE having a newborn!
I've had 3 children and it's my favourite part, even the getting up in the night bit.
My favourite memories are feeding my baby in the early hours of the morning, alone in the living room. I had the TV on, watching a series, a cup of tea and a blanket. I was so comfortable, warm and in love with them so much.
I honestly, never wanted to put them down.

People love to shove all their negative experiences on to new mums.

I loved the new born stage with both of mine. All the cuddles, the smell of them, the way they are just comforted by your being near them, all the firsts. My eldest is 3 now and I find this stage harder than new born!

Yes - the nights are hard, you're tired, it can feel a bit like Groundhog Day but I think the key is don't put too much pressure on yourself to be doing everything in the early days. And remember everything is a phase and will pass.

All the best, wishing you a safe delivery

All I can say is that I loved it, but then I always did find newborns very special

Oh and if you are planning on breastfeeding, get some pure lanolin and start rubbing it into your teats every day. That way you avoid cracks, etc

We're 4 months pp now and she's the most adorable thing in the world - smiley and babbling all the time and it makes all the vomit, worries and lack of sleep worth it.

Those first few weeks and months? Post C-section, when all she did was cluster feed and contact nap were very hard!

I say to everyone that having DD has been both the best and hardest thing in my whole life. Think most people would say the same.

Of course there are many great moments. However the issue is if you have unrealistic expectations or feel pressure for it to go a certain way or for your DH to be a certain way or for you to feel or be a certain way. When reality doesn't match your expectations, then it gets really really hard.

As other posters have said, there used to be a lot of pressure to love being a mom from day 1, to cooing about how amazing your baby was, to only talk about the good and how you were doing. Now it is okay to talk about how damn hard it can be and how many people are just getting through the day andhow hard it is to have two unique people with different perspectives trying to figure this out together and dealing with their own stressors. There can also be worry about judgment or parent guilt of doing things right or wrong or not properly caring for or protecting this vulnerable baby.

Enjoy the good and hopefully there is a lot of good but also be prepared to accep the bad without making personal about you or your DH or your relationship.

Some people really hate the newborn stage. Some people really hate the toddler stage. Some people really hate the teenager stage. It all depends on the child really and everyone will have different experiences based on their child and what they can personally cope with.

I hated newborn stage. I had trouble breastfeeding and I was bottle feeding, breastfeeding and pumping for every feed. DD also had reflux. We have no family support nearby and DH went back to work at 3 weeks and I felt very lonely. But it got better about 6 weeks because she started to smile and that is the best thing ever. About 6 weeks she also started to get a bit of routine around feeding times which helped me prepared and I stopped breastfeeding by then. By 3-4 months she started napping in the cot, feeding times were pretty consistent and I felt like I could get a routine, I could have a bit of time to myself. Although I was still quite lonely and was all the way through maternity, I hated being home day after day. Around 3-4 months they start to giggle and that sound is pure magic. They also seem to know when you are starting to feel like it isn’t worth it because they’ll smile or give you a chuckle and it reminds you it’s worth it.

There will be bits you find and bits you find harder than others. There’ll be bits you hate even though everyone else seems to love that phase. Things won’t go to plan at any stage. But it is all a phase. So the really hard bits are only temporary, they change and there’s a different challenge but you might be able to deal with that more.

Saying they are glad they aren’t doing it is also not the same as saying they aren’t glad they did it. I think DD might be an only and part of that is because I don’t want to do it again. Wouldn’t be without her though and I’m glad I did it to have my DD. Babies are special and that’s why everyone is saying they are looking forward to the cuddles because it’s a way of reminiscing about the newborn stage but recognising you didn’t necessarily enjoy all of it.

I loved the newborn phase because I was so delighted not to be pregnant any more!

Yes it tiring and all of that but it was so much better than being pregnant.

And you have a little baby who although they need a lot they are also a delight and a joy and a wonder!

Cuddles! I remember sitting for hours in the evening with my little one in my arms - those were really blissful moments.

teeny tiny clothes - they are adorable.

every first!

walking with your pram - I loved mine and felt sooooo proud!

I’d have 20 babies if I could. I just wouldn’t want them to turn into 20 toddlers…! - that’s the stage I find really hard, tbh.

Neither of mine ever wanted to be put down (and one was very refluxy so needed to be upright the whole time) but that was fine - I just didn’t put them down. I either say with them on me in front of the TV, having cups of tea and chatting to DH or watching box set after box set .. or if I had things to do (and particularly with number 2 when I had the first to look after) they just lived in a sling, and I could do everything I needed to.

The only bit of baby-ness I can’t do at all is driving. Both mine hated the car and car seat and cried and vomited every journey for years. So I adapted and we minimised car journeys.

Newborns are so special. Being able to witness things like the literal first time somebody ever hears music, feels wind on their skin, sees daylight and trees etc is incredible.

And the cuddles and the little windy faces and the tiny clothes. Amazing.

With my second I loved the newborn stage.
Yes your tired but instead of trying to go out and be busy like I did with my first, I just chilled at home having lots of cuddles and sleeping when they did. I still drink hot coffee although baby had a sense when it was dinner time to begin with. Plus they live in baby grows, they just lie in the pram so you don't have to get them in and out etc. Just felt simpler than the toddler years lol

Personally I didn't really enjoy the newborn stage. There were lovely special moments of course, but I'm a really active outdoorsy sort of person and I found it frustrating staying at home resting and doing so little. I think it was more just the recovery rather than the baby though, the bleeding, milk leaking, my episiotomy got infected which was incredibly painful.

However baby is around 3 months now and it's just such a different experience. He sleeps well, he's so smiley and giggly and just a joy to be around (most of the time 😆) and I feel fully recovered physically so able to spend as much time out and about with him as I can and it's so different.

For me, it was tough getting through the newborn phase but that's ok, as there is lovely stuff to come. You may absolutely love this time but I just wanted to add some reassurance that if you don't, it really doesn't last long - although when you're right in the thick of it it may not feel that way!

@elm26 I absolutely loved the newborn stage with all of my babies and with only one child is obviously even easier again . Of course it’s a huge change , I was lucky in that I had easy births and no issues with breastfeeding but my babies weren’t “ easy” , they woke frequently etc, it was always just my dh and I too, no family support with any of our babies or kids.
I read all the books , did a great solid routine they still woke loads but as newborns it was easy to just breastfeed in bed, watching loads of Netflix , my body felt normal after a week or so. The cuddles were absolutely wonderful and I’ll remember those to the end of my days, they are so beautiful.
Of course it’s hard work and I had Velcro babies who’d cry if put down for long which is normal so I used a sling .
The first 2/3weeks they sleep loads and loads so make the most of that as they kindof wake up week 4..
I think everyone has different stages where they found difficult, my newborns were happy to just be in a sling so I went out for dinner, coffee, could easily hang out with friends, I didn’t relate to the hours stories of not being able to drink a coffee or have a shower….. until around 17 months….
Toddlers were a HUGE shock tbh , I’m quite introverted and need downtime and quiet .. all of my toddlers moved , climbed , bolted constantly, we couldn’t sit in our own house , they slept worse when older ( way more difficult to settle ), goodbye coffees and hanging out , no interest in toys until around 4 , I went back to the books lols and by then another baby was on the way..
Everyone finds different stages difficult and for most this is the newborn stage , although I know loads of parents now juggling jobs and older kids who are exhausted so tbh once you’re a parent it all changes , it’s a different life. Me and my dh are a good team and we had our three closish together, they are all older now and we are kindof getting our lives back a bit in our late 30’s but there’s still loads of challenges and tbh we are still exhausted but three dcs has been so wonderful as the play together and have each other so v v v worth it . The newborn stage is so short , there’s challenges at every stage , you’re not going to go back to how it was and that for us has been wonderful.

@elm26 Not sure why people always say those things, I always find that quite sad. I also had a long journey with miscarriages before I finally got my beautiful son. He is turning one in two weeks and it’s just been the most amazing year. There will be hard times and tired times but everything is worth it. When they make a little smile waking up in your arms from their nap. Changing and growing everyday, from their first smile and giggle to starting to walk. Newborns are so cosy and just love to snuggle, sometimes those contact naps will feel like a struggle because you want to get things done and other times you can revel in them. They’re literally so excited for milk and just can’t get enough once they’re used to feeding. Witching hour (hours) can be real in the first six weeks but it will pass, get your husband to help you in the evening. I did struggle with emotions for the first 4 weeks but I spent two weeks in hospital after the birth. There will be post-partum crying, rage and tears of happiness - the range of emotions I felt was probably the most difficult part for me. Enjoy your long awaited babe, soon they’ll be here 🥰

The newborn stage is amazing. Yes your tired but I've never once had a cold brew ?? They're alseep most of the time ! Enjoy all the cuddles and do nothing but sit Infront of the tv with them on your chest :)

With my first, I found having a newborn very hard. Not because of the baby as such (he was an 'easy' baby as everyone kept saying). But it was more because I just absolutely didn't know how I was supposed to feel or act like as a 'mum', I felt like such a fake. I struggled to bond with my baby and absolutely spiralled (I still tell people now that it's normal not to feel that rush of love, because I didn't and I felt so terribly guilty).

On the flip side, I've just had another baby and it's been great! Still no rush of love, more like a rush of contentment. Have really enjoyed the snuggles and generally enjoyed it lots more. I think it's obviously because I know what I'm doing now, am not second guessing every feeling or thought I have. This baby is also what you might call unsettled- colicky etc.

So I would say, yes newborns can be lovely. But the hardness of the newborn stage can often come from your mental state/recovery from birth/learning your new role as a mum/learning how to love a child - rather than the physical 'poo explosions' things

@Wishawisha the same! Friends of ours came to stay with their newborn ,we went out , had food, drinks , chats , watched a film. They came again when their baby was around 18 months, I didn’t see either sit down the entire time, their toddler just climbed constantly , hated the buggy , would put stuff into their mouth every 5 seconds, cries and tantrums ….Me and my dh breathed a sigh of relief that we a long over that stage, it’s exhausting..they looked a lot more tired with a toddler than a newborn !

Not being pregnant any more was pretty good, and newborns turn into older babies who laugh and play, and then toddlers who say mummy and stare into your soul and wrap their tiny arms around your neck and hug you so tight that your heart melts.

I didn’t like the newborn phase really but I’d go through it 10 million times rather than go through more miscarriages and childlessness through infertility, getting to be a parent has been the greatest joy and privilege of my life notwithstanding the hardships.

Yes I agree, I didn’t feel the ‘rush of love’ as emergency c sec went badly and we were in hospital for a couple of weeks. I felt sad that I wasn’t feeling that but didn’t realise that it’s more common than not, even though I’d been waiting for my baby for years.

I agree with a pp saying they are glad it’s not them doesn’t mean they weren’t glad it was them ..
I loved having all 3 of my dcs , it was such a special time when they were small. But we are at a different stage now, having 3 for us meant years , not months, of sleep deprivation . Now we are in our late 30’s we have loads of friends with their first a toddler and expecting another baby or ttc and we genuinely are so happy we are past all that but I don’t say this to them!

My favourite time of my lifevwas when I had my 5 newborns hence having 5 ! Nothing comes near . Enjoy

You have a BABY! That's all the positives you need.

Also milk drunk little faces ❤️❤️❤️