To ask for your positives to having a newborn

[elm26]

Hello! Me again 😂

38 weeks and I'm SICK of hearing "you're tired? just you wait!", "your life will never be the same!", "your whole day and night will be a cycle of feed, wipe bum and settle", "get used to a cold cup of tea" etc etc etc

It's driving me insane and as somebody who has had depression and anxiety all of my life, it's really kicking my anxiety off to the point I'm wondering if I will enjoy any of it at all?

A little bit of background, I'm 29, married with a lovely/supportive/hard working/kind DH, we've had 13 miscarriages, we have an 8 year old spaniel, great family and friends. I count myself very lucky.

I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime to get this far into a pregnancy, I have been so ill throughout with Hyperemesis, covid, one thing after the other but I'm here, full term, we've made it.

Am I naive to think that yes it's going to be hard, yes we are going to be exhausted, yes there will be poo explosions, sick down a clean outfit, piles of laundry but it's also going to be a really special time with special moments and memories and so much love? Am I naive to believe that me and DH will cope/make a good team? (We aren't perfect and of course bicker/fall out on occasion and I imagine that being sleep deprived etc will probably elevate those frustrations that us humans have sometimes).

I honestly haven't heard anyone say one positive thing to me about being a Mum to a newborn. They all can't wait to meet her and have cuddles etc, they are so happy for us but they make it clear that it's a relief that it's not them doing it again!

I feel like I'm already thinking about baby being 6 because I'm nervous for what's to come and it's making me sad, hormones eh?!

In my opinion the newborn phase is the best part.

I got sick of people saying, 'you think you're tired now, wait until the baby is here' actually I was far more tired in my first and third trimesters than any time after.

You're not at work and you've just given birth so everyone has very low expectations of what you should be doing.

People visit you and bring you lovely things like biscuits.

You're just in this little bubble of love with your gorgeous baby curled up on your chest snuffling away.

I should add children go through so many different phases in life, that if you don't like the newborn phase then that's fine!

I think all children go through these phases and we all differ which ones we find hard and which ones we love. I'm personally finding now the phase where my kids know every damn thing in the world and can't be told anything very tricky so I'm probably looking back to those days before they had opinions with rose tinted glasses.

DS was such an easy baby, newborn was lovely. He smelled amazing. He slept on me a lot so I could just cuddle and sniff him. He made delightful little noises and movements. DH did loads, including night feeds (DS couldn’t bf). It was such a lovely time.
Enjoy!

The oxytocin! The bliss and love you will feel for your tiny person.

The need to cuddle your baby on the sofa eating snacks and watching TV.

When you baby smiles

Any of the changes they make each day.

Becoming one of the “daytime” people. The pace of life slows down, strangers will be kind and friendly and chat in a nice way.

The adorable way your baby will sleep with their bottom in the air or with their arms in surrender.

Your baby will smell divine- they just do.

Working out the special rocking motion that instantly soothe them.

A new found love and respect for my own mother.

Of course you might have a difficult birth, you or the baby might be unwell and things can be tough. But I wanted to share the other side because I had morning sickness for the full 9 months. I was worried I’d feel grumpy, know what I’m like with no sleep and for some reason had an unspoken concern I’d have postnatal depression. I thought I’d be bored and miss work. None of that happened for me, I wish I’d not worried.

It’s one of the happiest periods of my life. Hope it is for you too - enjoy your baby.

@elm26 the cuddles are lovely. So many of them. So much bonding time with a newborn.

I read more books with a newborn whilst breastfeeding than I had done for years, just because I was sitting down. That was special.

When they are tiny, they are non-mobile. So you can put them down and they stay still! It's great.

Around 6 weeks they start smiling. And gurgling. It's wonderful :)

Good luck OP

Newborn stage is great, truly amazing. Tiring yes but totally wonderful. I am now 50+ and my DC are almost all grown up. I look back very very fondly on those newborn days. It really is magical. Some people love to scare new mums,no idea why.

Mine is 5 months and I enjoy this age more so far but that's because I found it so incredibly dull when he was first born, there were difficult moments of course but I was almost dreading it because of the comments but it wasn't half as bad as I expected and I was able to drink coffee, have a shower, wee etc despite others telling me I wouldn't.

They are so tiny at first, it's amazing seeing their tiny hands and feet and by 6 weeks, they can start to smile. It's such a cool thing, watching them develop.

Mine are now 3 and 4 and I really miss the new born stage. In your own little bubble in awe of your baby.

People say they hate the newborn stage and it's hard. For me it was the easiest stage. Yes your sleep deprived but you get used to it and it doesn't last forever.

I was lucky, both mine slept through from 8 and 10 weeks most nights

It really depends on how you feel and what your baby is like.

If you get a baby that wants to snuggle all day, feeds well and figures out the difference between day and night early on, the newborn stage can be blissful. If your baby just screams all the time and you struggle with feeding it can be terrible.

One thing which I think is universally true though, is that the newborn stage passes in the blink of an eye. So if you love it, make the most of every second, and if you don't, know that everything is a phase and better times are coming.

I'm just walking round the flat with my 4 month old in a baby carrier, hoping that she'll drop off for a quick nap before we have to head off to swimming in an hour with her brother. Both of them kept me awake for most of the night and I'm knackered and tempted to stay here with her, but I also really want to see her in the little swimming costume we bought for her yesterday. And she's so gorgeous and smiley I can forgive just about anything.

I didn't find the newborn stage tough at all, but all my ante natal mates did.

What was the difference?

Two things:

1. I was lucky and DS didn't cry all the time. Some babies do, some don't.

1. I had support. I can't overstate what a difference this made.

In our culture, we often tend to live away from our families. Fathers typically take a couple of weeks off work, then go back.

So, mothers are left alone with a newborn, to cope on their own, meaning they can't take a break. They are shattered beyond belief from the baby keeping them awake, isolated by being on their own all the time and overwhelmed by how exhausting it all is, when they "should" be enjoying it, and wondering what's wrong with them that they're finding it so tough.

But the good news is it doesn't have to be like this

That wasn't my experience of new motherhood at all, because DP was able to take a few months off to be with me and the baby. This meant I could sleep! I had adult company and support, someone to hold the baby while I had a shower, to make me lunch when I was stuck on the sofa breastfeeding, to be moral and practical support.

We're not meant to bring babies up on our own. In the old days, there would have been lots of other women and older kids around to offer support, like holding the baby while you pee!

This bit is within your control. And if you recognise how important it is to have support, then those times you don't have it, you can recognise it's not that there's something wrong with you or the baby, it really is hard work on your own.

If your DP has to go back to work when the baby is little, lean on your support networks. This can make such a difference. If you have helpful friends and family nearby, invite them round to hold the baby while you nap / shower.

If you don't have family and friends nearby, invite the ones who are actually helpful and won't cause you work, to visit for a short time, to help hold the baby.

If you don't have helpful friends and family who can visit, find out how to meet other mothers nearby. E.g. join an ante natal class, find out if you have a local breastfeeding support group, if you plan to BF - they can be a great source of general support too. Ask your health visitor if there are places new mothers go. If you can make friends with other mums with babies, you may be able to offer each other practical support.

I did have support the first time round and I loved the newborn stage. I wasn't frazzled at all. (The second time I didn't have that support and the isolation was tough).

If you do have a baby who cries all the time, having a support network will help you deal.eith that too.

And even when it's tough, it's so, so worth it!

One of the best bits can also be one of the hardest but… there is this beautiful, amazing, ever changing thing you get to hold and cuddle all day because it thinks you are the most amazing thing in the world.

(not a fan of the newborn stage personally but holding a baby is amazing)

Cuddles cuddles and more cuddles!!! Having a snoozy baby on your chest is just the best 🥰

And know that all the hard bits eventually pass just like the good bits do 😭

Tiny fingers, toes and earlobes are just the cutest too 🥰

(I say this as someone who didnt enjoy plenty about the first 8 weeks but there were still loads of lovely bits so dont panic!! And from about 10 weeks onwards I have LOVED it 😅)

My baby was a wonderful newborn and May was a lovely time to have a baby because of the lighter nights and warmer weather. I felt instantly better than I had in pregnancy and enjoyed food again! I also got far more sleep than I had in pregnancy! I had all the same comments as you but considering how shit I’d felt in pregnancy I knew I was going to feel better once he was here 😂

I loved the cuddles, introducing them to everybody and all the firsts - bath, smile. I could put him down easily and enjoy a coffee or glass of wine (honestly I’d say believe hang moments to yourself will be possible and if it’s not it’s not forever, everything is a stage). We could go out for dinner or in the evening with relative ease (harder now he’s 11 months but not impossible!).

Getting out was a bit of effort but I always found being out was great we did lots of walks/coffees out and started some classes at 10 days (which was more for me than him) but I made some lovely friends early on that I had throughout Mat leave.

I love watching him grow but those first weeks with a newborn was my favourite time ever!

Cuddles 🥰❤️. And just looking at your baby. It is so wonderful. Hope you enjoy every minute ❤️

• your baby arrived safely
• lots of cake and being looked after
• they become 6-10m olds 😍

Newborn stage is hard due to lack of sleep but after 3m it gets easier / more fun.
I still hate the early mornings but my toddlers beaming face is worth it

They are so so cute. And they are yours.
The cuddles, get photos of their tiny hands & feet.

The newborn stage goes so so fast
In fact the first year goes so fast. You'll be sorting out a first birthday cake before you know it.

Op if you can afford it get a cleaner for the first few months.

Our first baby was also long awaited and very enthusiastically loved when she finally arrived after being overdue for 12 days, induction and a dramatic crash section.

As a mum who EBF all my dc and BF each until they were about 15 months and who used to be a trained BF support volunteer I will say this regarding BF:

If you want, give BF a go. It's often a bit hard in the first couple of weeks, that's very normal and not a sign of failure, it takes a while to establish, it can hurt but also feels amazing once it's working for you and your baby. Top tip, make sure baby is latched on properly otherwise it will hurt more. Pack Lansinoh HPA Lanolin Nipple Cream and breast pads in your hospital bag.

Mine are a lot older now and with hindsight I'd say, if BF does not work out for you or causes weeks or months of worry and discomfort, just be happy with FF, it really does not matter one tiny bit in the end.

I know there are statistics about the health benefits of BF but in our modern world there are so many more factors to a happy and healthy family and BF can feel like an impossibly messy business for some, it's not worth making yourself miserable over it. If you do ff or mix feed, you will get your body back and feel yourself sooner due to hormones. If BF works, that's great too.

Because I did extended BF, I was in 'baby mode' for a very long time and I do wonder if in hindsight it was not all a bit much. My body ended up being very depleted and I caught every bug going. It was the right thing for us at the time but I know that we can put too much pressure on ourselves. I am very pro BF but I am a lot more pro good mental health for new mothers and FF or mixed feeding is just as fine, whatever works best for you and your baby.

Stock up on your favourite tea, chocolate, foods for the first few weeks if nights are tough it's nice to have pick me ups.

Ultimately, my top tip is to try not to overthink it all and go with the flow.

Try to stay away from competitive parents, they will make you feel miserable.

Other practical things that can help:

• knowing where to get support with breastfeeding. Health visitors, midwives and doctors can be surprisingly misinformed about BFing. The National Breastfeeding Helpline or trained peer supporters or lactation consultants are great.

• get a decent sling. Having use of my hands was a game changer - useful things, hands! Plus being able to be mobile while DS slept was handy

• don't get fixated on getting newborns into a routine. They're too young and it drives some mums crazy attempting it!

Oh and the smell of baby powder on a freshly bathed newborn...it's addictive.
Is it still used on today's babies?
I still have a bottle that I sniff now and again for nostalgia.
All this is making me feel broody now!

I don’t love newborns because they’re quite boring, but the first 3 months of my twins’ lives were by far the easiest. They just permanently slept! I’d take them out for lunch and watch copious amount of The Bachelor while feeding. All went downhill from there, but still. Give me a poo explosion to deal with over a screeching toddler tantrum any day.

I really do understand that it will be hard, I know that I'm at a big risk of post natal depression thanks to my already existing, long history of depression and I know we will be exhausted at times but I really am desperate to enjoy it as much as possible especially as we've been through so much loss to get here.

Please be careful of putting pressure on yourself to 'enjoy it'. It can be boring, tiring and bewildering.

But your baby is going to be a source of wonder, for sure, there is nothing like it.

I agree with @Fiddlerdragon - if you have low expectations you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

For very many reasons I found it cripplingly hard and I developed PND. I hope it’s not like that for you OP, but if you have a history of anxiety I’d have a chat now with the peri natal mental health team and get support in place. Full your phone with numbers of breastfeeding counsellors, look up local baby groups for when you need company and fill your freezer with meals.

I’m afraid I can’t relate to the “puddles of oxytocin” comment at all. I wish I could. It still makes me very sad.

So as not to frighten you; my DS is 4 now, our relationship is great, we’re very close and I love him very dearly.

I loved the newborn phase and hated pregnancy. I was much less tired when baby was out vs baby being in.

I loved it. I’ll admit I’m a pretty chilled person and also had a lot of experience with babies whilst nannying, and my baby was a pretty easy baby. So I understand some babies are crying a lot more and of course that’s far more stressful.
Just try to enjoy it as much as possible. Soak up the baby snuggles. When they cluster feed, just enjoy watching a series, roaming MN, reading a good book. Don’t worry about getting housework done. Just soak it up and enjoy it cause it really does fly by.

Being in the ‘bubble’. Bliss.
The noise they make when they are feeding.
Falling in love with your DH all over again.
First meetings with family and friends.
Wearing huge comfy knickers and not caring (still got them on nearly 2 years later😂).