To ask for your positives to having a newborn

[elm26]

Hello! Me again 😂

38 weeks and I'm SICK of hearing "you're tired? just you wait!", "your life will never be the same!", "your whole day and night will be a cycle of feed, wipe bum and settle", "get used to a cold cup of tea" etc etc etc

It's driving me insane and as somebody who has had depression and anxiety all of my life, it's really kicking my anxiety off to the point I'm wondering if I will enjoy any of it at all?

A little bit of background, I'm 29, married with a lovely/supportive/hard working/kind DH, we've had 13 miscarriages, we have an 8 year old spaniel, great family and friends. I count myself very lucky.

I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime to get this far into a pregnancy, I have been so ill throughout with Hyperemesis, covid, one thing after the other but I'm here, full term, we've made it.

Am I naive to think that yes it's going to be hard, yes we are going to be exhausted, yes there will be poo explosions, sick down a clean outfit, piles of laundry but it's also going to be a really special time with special moments and memories and so much love? Am I naive to believe that me and DH will cope/make a good team? (We aren't perfect and of course bicker/fall out on occasion and I imagine that being sleep deprived etc will probably elevate those frustrations that us humans have sometimes).

I honestly haven't heard anyone say one positive thing to me about being a Mum to a newborn. They all can't wait to meet her and have cuddles etc, they are so happy for us but they make it clear that it's a relief that it's not them doing it again!

I feel like I'm already thinking about baby being 6 because I'm nervous for what's to come and it's making me sad, hormones eh?!

Btw I used to run a sling library and never met a newborn that didn’t like a stretchy wrap. They don’t all like buckle carriers because they can put them into slightly unnatural positions but all bundled up in a stretchy - they adore it.

I loved being a parent to babies, it wasn’t anywhere near as hard as people told me it would be, and DH and I were a good team. I did get sleep and a hot cup of tea every day.

Of course there are challenging times because you are solely responsible for a helpless human life. Honestly I think having a realistic expectation is key. The baby cannot do anything for itself so that’s quite a big responsibility. The baby’s needs will have to come before yours but that doesn’t mean your life will be dreadful. There are lovely cuddles, they’re awfully cute and it’s absolutely fascinating watching them develop and learn new things. I remember things like the first time DD put her arm around my shoulder and held on when I picked her up. I have no recollection of this moment with DS because I probably had DD wrapped around my legs and was concentrating on not tripping over her. So do try to enjoy the moments when you only have one baby to focus on!

I loved when my children were newborn. If I could choose a stage to go back and re do, it would be newborn - 6 months.

They’re just lovely, they’re cute, you get lots of cuddles, you can spend hours taking in their beautiful little features.

It goes fast, take it all in, they change daily. Even with the ‘negatives’ people talk about, we loved it. It’s such a special time. I just remember loving them so much and falling in love with my partner even more watching him love and feel so protective over our children.

Ime newborns are a dream. They sleep lots and are very cute. Toddlerhood Is when the torment began for me. Both my girls slept through from. 10 weeks which obviously helped.

I hope your birth goes well, you might be predisposed to post natal depression but that doesn't mean you will have it.
I had very bad pre natal depression, to the point i was thinking of ways to kill myself and definitely the baby and my mum not have to be the one to find me.
I was an awful mess, it's a wonder my baby was so chilled all his life.
As soon as he was born it lifted, I was so happy to have him, thoughts did still come to me sometimes but not in the same way at all.
I'd never leave him, it gives you strength, knowing someone needs you and loves you so much x

The best bit is baby cuddles!

I never really considered myself a maternal person. Didn’t even really want kids until I was mid to late thirties.

Like you, my doctor thought I was at risk of post natal depression.

For me, the first four months were a happy daze. The next four months were less dazed but equally happy. Frankly, my DC is the most amazing person on the planet!

I did not have PND or the baby blues. I am certain I had a few very loud arguments with DH and shed tears over ridiculously minor things (that I can no longer remember). But no depression.

In fact, I saw my doctor 5 months after DC was born and she said she didn’t often see a new mum that so happy, calm and chilled. 😎 I’m quite proud of that as I do not consider myself to be particularly calm or chilled. 🤣

As everyone else says, cuddles!! Embrace them. Don't worry about the fact you're not getting anything else done, it will still be there in a few months' time.

There's lots of objectively rubbish stuff to deal with - you probably will constantly be covered in sick and constantly doing laundry. Poo explosions will happen. But you probably won't care either. It just becomes a new way of life for a while, and it's not that bad. Newborn sick and poo are relatively inoffensive, anyway.

If you get a really clingy, high-needs baby and you find it really hard work, don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. Just go with the flow, they all have their own personalities and they just need your support figuring out this brand new world they've been born into! Don't compare to anyone else.

Me and DH had a running joke about “Enjoy that biscuit!!” Because every single person would love to tell us that we would never ever even enjoy a biscuit ever again!!!!
Newborn bits I cherished are when I was struggling to breastfeed and was exhausted. An amazing midwife came round and ordered me to go to bed naked and sleep with my baby on me. Partly to rest but also to bond and get the hormones to do their thing. We stayed there for about 3 days and it was beautiful.
Good luck op.

I got sick hearing the 'just you wait' brigade.

In all honesty I got better sleep once my daughter was out, I wasn't breastfeeding so it was bliss when I got out of hospital absolutely knackered and got 6 hours solid sleep, the first in 9 months.

It was nowhere near as daunting as it seemed. I actually loved (almost) every minute and I'm not the most maternal of people but that changed when she was born.

My daughter was a terrible sleeper for the first year but with a good support team I more than got through it, there were hard times but the positives were way more and it was nowhere near as hard as I thought. I would have actually tried for another pretty much right away but it was the fucking pregnancy that put me off and mine wasn't as bad as yours by the sounds of it.

The worst part of parenting is the anxiety but again you've had a rocky road to get here, you already know what that feels like. I was similar after years of infertility so I'd been there. The anxiety was different once she was born it was better as I could see her in front of me but worse because i loved her more than I ever felt possible.

Congratulations, you'll love (almost) every minute.

I went on to have four more! Absolutely the best thing ever. I found new horns really easy and they are utterly blissful ways to waste time.

The snuffling noises they make!
The lovely smell.
The cuddles.
The feeling of contentment when they fall asleep all comfy and well fed.
It's a lovely time. Don't t let anyone ruin with their doommongering!!

You’ll be fine OP, it’s a hard adjustment for some people, not everyone will take to it straight away, it’s a learning curve that is individual to you and your partner, so try not to worry if you don’t feel a certain way or things aren’t how you thought they would be to begin with. The thing to remember is that everything you’re feeling is totally normal and any rubbish bits will pass.

weve got three dogs who are our life, our baby was unexpected as we’d been trying for a long time and thought it wouldn’t happen. about 5 days post partum I had a breakdown, I knew I loved baby that we’d waited so long to for, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d ruined everything and felt so incredibly guilty that I’d changed all our lives for the worse, especially the dogs, I sat and cried for hours one night, literally couldn’t stop, the midwife said the next day that it was completely normal to feel that way as that is when the stored hormones in your body are being released, thank god she told me that as knowing it was only temporary and it was something that was happening to me rather then my real feelings, allowed me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wished someone would have told me that in advance though, so I knew what to expect, With all the research I did, I had no idea hormones could be so brutal.

I found all that bullshit about ‘you don’t know tired’, ‘never having a warm cup of tea blah blah’ incredibly patronising and unhelpful, almost gloaty, so I don’t ever give that ‘advice’ to people.

The truth is nothing anyone says can really prepare you, but if you’re doing your best then you’re doing it right and that’s all that matters.

We have 3 under 2 and I loved every second and still do. The twins were no harder than our single tbh and with a supportive hubby we did and still do fine. Love all the cuddles and developments. They've just worked out how to ride my labrador lol and she's stupid enough to let them. Sleep deprived yes but fortunately we aren't into arguments etc we just plow thru :) for us it was nothing like stories you get told enjoyed every minute

Personally I found the sleeplessness hard to adjust to, I knew babies didn't sleep through the night but it was harder than I thought. Having said that, babies are adorable and full of cuddles, you'll probably find yourself staring at them just thinking how wonderful they are.

Goodness just being able to look at this incredible tiny human being and knowing that you made them. The endless cuddles, the being the most important thing in the world to them, the soft baby hair and the newborn smell. How they scrunch up as they stretch out. The hiccups. How teeny tiny they are. The feeling like you might explode from loving someone so much.

It's hard, OP, but it is oh so worth it.

People tell you this stuff because it really is a massive adjustment; it’s better to be prepared. If you’re my age and older, you often got little warning of the realities. It’s a lot of work and the baby blues hit hard.

But if you make sure that you have and accept the right kind of support, ignore the housework and social expectations, and stay in bed or on the sofa snuggling with occasional gentle walks for natural light, make time to eat and drink and get to the loo - you can make the most of the amazing parts as well. That amazing smell, the way they gaze at you, the first smile, the growing bond - it’s lovely :)

God I hate that people do this to expectant mothers. I absolutely adored being a mum from day 1. Don't get me wrong there are very much difficult days (as a newborn and beyond) but for me they are very much out weighed by the wonderful ones.

In a few weeks time you will be sitting on your sofa with your very much wanted newborn snuggled into your chest making divine little snuffling noises as they all do. You will look back at this thread and laugh

Op, having a newborn is the BEST time of your life! Truly. I'd give anything & everything to go back to my DD being a baby again. Ignore it all and just look forward to your little one's arrival 💕

OP has literally JUST said how sick she is of hearing all this and so you repeat it all?

They all can't wait to meet her and have cuddles etc,

Well there you are. That's what they think is great. And that is what's great. Cuddles. Start there.

My second DC is 2 weeks old and compared to my toddler he is so simple to look after! he only needs feeding, sleep, winding and changing. I am very much enjoying every second and I don't find it hard at all. I agree with all the positives already mentioned. Sitting for hours in front of the tv having sleepy cuddles and eating snacks is a dream 😂 i am breastfeeding and for me that make it very easy because the answer to everything- hungry, tired, wind, bored, unhappy - is to stick him on a boob! Yes I am tired and up several times a night feeding him. I just drink a lot of tea in the day to stay awake... Having a supportive partner/team mate/family makes all the difference I think as to how much you enjoy it. It goes so fast anyway and everything difficult is a phase and will pass. My first DC was one who hated everything, didn't sleep etc and I still enjoyed it, I just focused on the positives and tried to see things from her POV which helped me. I dont think you have to have an 'easy' baby to enjoy it. People do seem to only talk about the negatives, I never felt like I could say oh actually I really love my baby and enjoy her even if she's the only one in the group who can't be put down at all and doesn't sleep! What also helped me was tbh ignoring most 'advice' and going with my instincts. You got this 😁

I found that draining too.

People tend to focus on the negative but I loved the first year with ds. I guess I was lucky but ds was a happy healthy baby. As long as he was velcro'd to me, he was content to sleep, feed and watch the world go by for 4 months, during which time I popped him in a sling and we spent our summer hiking the Ridgeway. It was blissful.

By seven months he was walking and by 11 month, climbing stairs and planning his escape 🙂

The only thing I found difficult was the loneliness. All my friends & family work full time and mum & baby groups definitely weren't my thing. Once I'd abandoned the whole 'nap time & routine' idea and headed outside, things got much better.

I remember one glorious morning, feeding ds on a picnic blanket in the sunshine, skylarks singing, while watching a combine harvester work a field, no-one else around and being completely happy & content.

It's the most amazing thing watching your baby grow and develop in front of your eyes. When they start to smile at you, or you see them learn to roll or sit up or laugh.
Don't worry op there's plenty of joy to be had.

I remember when v late 1st pregnancy, visiting two old friends who decided to give me the unedited lowlights of post-partum life and I was "wtf has happened to these previously interesting and lovely people and wtf am I in for?"
It was hard but the very best time ever. I walked miles with my dog and baby in a moby wrap; both the dog and baby used to dance when they saw the red wrap being unfolded.
I had a somewhat colicky baby but still had lots of time for tea, biscuits, housework and cooking, home beauty treatments, reading and watching box sets.
I am quite jealous! I hope all goes well for you, and remember your sense of humour through it all!

The other thing it that it goes by so, so fast. At the time, it feels like it's going to last forever, but I'm sitting in the park with my school aged kids now, and that newborn stage seems so short and so long ago.