Page 6 | Any grandparents here who look after their grandchildren? If so...

iopll · 2023-05-12T14:21:09+00:00

Do your dc impose ‘rules’ for you to abide by for the grandchildren (what they can eat, wear, anything really…) and do you abide by them?

Swrigh1234 · 13/05/2023 13:00

NowItsSpring · 13/05/2023 11:47

I regularly look after grandchildren to support their respective parents going to work - started when they were babies and now after school pick ups/school holiday care. I have always been happy to go with routines and preferences to meet their needs, however would have drawn the line at being set 'rules'.

A friend gave up caring for her grandchild after a falling out about rules - the main one being that she was never to leave her house when caring for the baby so that the parents knew where they were at all times.

Wow batshittery of the highest order. How do people like this get through life.

HazyDragon · 13/05/2023 13:24

I don't think you can impose rules no, but that's why I pay for childcare.

I think the problems come from GPs wanting to have a fun, generous grandparent role, but you can't do that when you are providing regular childcare.

You can soil grandchildren when you only see them once a week/ month for the day, it's a different story when you are caring for them several times a week. It's more of a parenting role.

MIL recently took the kids out for breakfast, followed by shopping. They then had McDonald's/ice-cream for dinner and sweets while watching a film! DS was actually sick when he got home, it was ridiculous and I wasn't happy, but I let it go for one day. No way I could trust her to do regular childcare, because she isn't prepared to say 'no' to her grandchildren. So as a responsible parent, I pay for childcare as it's what is best for them. I also don't want the stress of having to police grandparents and all the family fallout it brings.

Mischance · 13/05/2023 14:55

On the other hand, it is not possible to impose your rules on a nursery - they do it by their rules, which have to have a certain universality as they have so many children and cannot adjust to the needs of each child, which GPs can in the one on one situation.

Backtonormalatlast · 13/05/2023 15:07

Tandora · 12/05/2023 20:12

what “rules” exactly? My dad watches my toddler once a week, and I’ve never set “rules”. There’s the question of respect - he’s my father, and my mum and he raised me and my 3 siblings. There’s also the consideration of the fact that he’s doing me a massive favour. Some things he does I roll my eyes at- there’s always icecream and when he gets tired he puts her in front on the tv. He’s far too indulgent in general, although he has no clue how to manage a tantrum. On the other hand there’s the fact that they adore each other to the bones- Hanging out makes them both so happy. My dd keeps my dad going, and my dad teachers my dd so much , and it does wonders for her self esteem to have that close relationship with a doting grandparent. I have free childcare for the afternoon. Swings and roundabouts.

Great post . A lot of MN posters on various threads are so bloody disrespectful towards their parents or ILs who are just being helpful. Obviously there are extremes!
My GC absolutely adores my husband who sounds similar to your father and it’s lovely to read how much you respect him for being a much loved Grandad .

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 15:11

When I’m a grandparent I very much hope to be asked to be involved in the care of my grandchildren. And I would relish “rules”. Why? Because a) I want to support my adult children and make their lives easier and, more importantly b) I would want my grandchildren settled and comfortable and, with young children, that means consistency and routine

Dustyourselfoff · 13/05/2023 15:13

He’s far too indulgent in general, although he has no clue how to manage a tantrum.

but why haven’t you advised and advised? Would make his and more importantly your child’s life when they are together so much better.

maidmarianne · 13/05/2023 16:34

Swrigh1234 · 13/05/2023 10:36

You trust your parents to look after your children presumably because they did a half decent job with you. And now you want to impose despite them helping you out. Serves you right that they refuse because of your diva like attitude.

I do sometimes wonder if this assumption isn't at the heart of lots of the arguments about grandparents.
The problem is presumably that lots of adults don't actually feel like their parents did a great job with them so that trust isn't there. And they haven't been brought up to be comfortable with having difficult conversations or sharing their feelings, so it becomes a confrontation.

Greenfree · 13/05/2023 16:38

My mum had my DD before she started school for 2 days a week and still has her for sleepovers etc. I didn't have any rules other than no hard sweets and to make sure grapes etc are cut before giving them to her. My mum has 12+ grandkids so I didn't have any concerns about DD been in her care and our rules may be different but I think it's nice that DD basically gets away with anything when she's there, they have a very special relationship. If I had imposed lots of rules like no TV, cakes etc then my mum would have just ignored me and I wouldn't have said anything as she's providing free child care.

Liorae · 13/05/2023 22:23

maidmarianne · 13/05/2023 16:34

I do sometimes wonder if this assumption isn't at the heart of lots of the arguments about grandparents.
The problem is presumably that lots of adults don't actually feel like their parents did a great job with them so that trust isn't there. And they haven't been brought up to be comfortable with having difficult conversations or sharing their feelings, so it becomes a confrontation.

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Why would anyone ask a parent that they felt did a bad job with them to provide unpaid childcare to the next generation?

dikwad · 13/05/2023 22:26

Both sets of my sons grandparents look after my son multiple times a week and have done since I went back to work when he was born 11 years ago when he was 12 months old. It's always been the case that when he is in their property and under their care, they set the rules and he abides by them. My only ask was that they didn't encourage him to have danger naps!