Any grandparents here who look after their grandchildren? If so...

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Do your dc impose ‘rules’ for you to abide by for the grandchildren (what they can eat, wear, anything really…) and do you abide by them?

My son has always told me, and my grandchildren, that my rules are in place when I'm childminding. I'm a sensible adult, wouldn't make dangerous decisions, I can be trusted. If I couldn't be trusted, pay someone a tenner+ an hour.

@Innocentsongs That is horrifying , how can anyone would be so callous 😮.

what “rules” exactly? My dad watches my toddler once a week, and I’ve never set “rules”. There’s the question of respect - he’s my father, and my mum and he raised me and my 3 siblings. There’s also the consideration of the fact that he’s doing me a massive favour. Some things he does I roll my eyes at- there’s always icecream and when he gets tired he puts her in front on the tv. He’s far too indulgent in general, although he has no clue how to manage a tantrum. On the other hand there’s the fact that they adore each other to the bones- Hanging out makes them both so happy. My dd keeps my dad going, and my dad teachers my dd so much , and it does wonders for her self esteem to have that close relationship with a doting grandparent. I have free childcare for the afternoon. Swings and roundabouts.

I think it depends what you have asked. If your rules are unreasonable, then you are unreasonable to expect them to follow them. If they are safety related then they absolutely should follow them, otherwise everything else is negotiable. They are doing you a favour so they get to do what they want with your DC within reasonable limits.

I worked on the principle “Grandma’s house, grandma’s rules”. Both Grandmas were helping me massively by looking after my DS, so I was just grateful. I would tell both grandmas what I would do, but it was up to them what they did.

I sit on both sides of this.

First, I get that there are some boundaries, every parent does it their own way, and I get that there should be respect on both sides as to how a child/children are looked after (for example in relation to sweets/naps etc.)

However, I have absolutely no help from grandparents and have always had to use nursery etc. so if they ever offered to help I'd let them navigate it themselves! They have raised a child before, a bit of chocolate here and there is okay, but I guess it all depends on how often it is?

If it's a rare occasion, let there be fun, if it's regularly there needs to be a meet in the middle somewhere on ground rules. But ridiculous to the minute demands are asking to be ignored!

My mum used to have my children a few hours a week plus a few sleepovers. I was only firm about no grapes , no smoking in the same room as the children and obviously car seats etc. I would never have criticised her for day to day decisions.
I have my grandchild for a sleepover once a week to give my daughter a break She has never given out any rules because she trusts me .Grandchild is vegetarian which I am very conscientious with.

It's a difficult one. I think if it's once a week granny spoiling is fine but having worked with children for years I've seen what happens when grandparents and parents disagree on rules for full time care with deliberate undermining on behaviour particularly for some it becomes a competition

Wow, you're a saint. I honestly think your family are taking the mick.

I have my grandsons (ages 4 and 2) three full days a week (8 til 5) I have one or other to stay overnight once a month.

I have my other GC (ages 6 and 8) overnight, twice a month, because I love having them.

Occasionally I babysit if their parents have an important event like a friends wedding to attend, but probably only about twice a year.

Their parents have never set rules, other than times any medication is due when they are off colour.

They eat well, play well, “help” grampy out the garden, “help” nanny to bake cakes, they spend time outdoors at the park, feeding ducks, riding bikes etc We play age appropriate games, spend time at the beach and camp out for the night in the garden - on a warm summers night.

Ive brought up 4 children. Everyone is happy with their upbringing and their DC’s time spent with nanny and Grampy.

What “rules” should I be following? 🤔

I am very careful but last September my granddaughter had a very slight redness on one arm ( sunburn). I was sent a photo and asked to explain myself.
That would be the last chilcare they got from me.

My DM takes DC one full day a week and MIL half a day. I really appreciate it and didn't have any rules other than strict nap times but they both figured out themselves why we're so strict about when they decided to skip it. The meltdown isn't worth it.

We had to impose some rules, I thought were common sense, on MIL based on situations that have arisen while she's had DC. Examples are don't feed a 5 month old polo mints or never leave them in the car while you nip to the shop for 20 minutes with only her four year old cousin for supervision.

My dd does not give rules for dgc, as we have similar parenting styles. I'm probably a bit stricter than her. If she did impose rules I'd soon remind her that we've managed to bring her & ds up & they're both happy & well, & I don't need to be told how to look after my dgc. Sometimes I think some young parents of today have forgotten that their own parents managed to raise them well.
And if their own parents didn't manage to raise them well then why trust them with their dgc?

Exactly this. Agreeing aspects of routine is one thing. Setting 'rules' is quite another. Either the person looking after your child is in your opinion capable of it, or they're not. If you feel you need to micromanage the situation then either they're not fit for the role or you need to reflect on your own control issues. What you don't do is treat a person doing you a favour as staff to instruct.

My parents look after my toddler two days a week. My only 'rules' are things that are important to me (so no shouting or hitting for example, although they never would anyway). I leave healthy meals ready for her, but if they give her the odd treat (she had some McDonald's chips with them yesterday) I try not to nitpick. It's only 2 days a week, she adores them and they are doing me a huge favour. If I pushed for them to stick to healthy foods only, they absolutely would respect that, but I feel like it's part of the job of a grandparent to treat their grandkids and I don't want to take that away. She can eat super healthy the other 5 days a week.

What rules are you trying to impose?

You trust your parents to look after your children presumably because they did a half decent job with you. And now you want to impose despite them helping you out. Serves you right that they refuse because of your diva like attitude.

My parents do follow my rules, but I don't dictate the entire day. I drop him off with his food for the day including snacks, so he eats what I want him to eat. My mum follows my nap routine because it works best for getting him to nap. If I say he's not allowed to do a specific thing she abides by that.

For the rest of it, they have free reign to do as they like. I know they wouldn't do anything dangerous or not age-appropriate. A lot of their days are filled with stuff that I wouldn't do but don't have anything against.

We do 2 days childcare a week. This is one day each for each of my children. We haven’t been given many rules. However, I am quite strict regarding regarding things like TV, sugar, snacks etc and aim to provide a healthy diet for our grandchildren. When we chose car seats we discussed it with our children. If I am asked to to something by one of my children, regarding their child I will aim to do it. I have on a couple of occasions got minor things wrong but my child was not upset. I can’t be perfect!

I think there's a difference between rules for your DC and rules for your parents.
If your DC isn't allowed to eat meat or stay up after 9, I don't think its a problem asking your parents to enforce those rules with DC, for consistency.
Thats quite a different matter from setting rules for your parents themselves; that they must play with DC in the garden for 20 minutes a day and can't fail to attend toddler group, and you enforcing them. Particularly when there's the threat of withdrawal of time with the DC as a sanction.

I am very careful but last September my granddaughter had a very slight redness on one arm ( sunburn). I was sent a photo and asked to explain myself.

Heavens above! - asked to explain myself! They were totally out of order. A tactful comment about it would have sufficed, accompanied by lots of thanks for all you do.

As some other care grandparents have pointed out, people do slow down a bit physically as they get older and what they do with the children will reflect that. That is not a bad thing - a quieter day is a good thing. When my GC were smaller I would not do anything out of the house that required me to be nimble and speedy in ensuring their safety - now they are bigger and able to reason that has changed. But those lovely peaceful days at home together are treasured by them and by me.

And if I am tired I do bung them in front of the TV now and again with the blessing of their parents - they know I am far stricter than they about what is suitable to watch!

It does children no harm to have slightly different rules in different places and with different people. My GC know that the rule is that they wash their "school hands" as soon as I bring them home and they now do this unprompted as a matter of course. On one overnighter I gave them flannels to wash their faces and they turned to me like two startled meerkats and said in unison "We don't wash our faces!" ... OK ! Nowt so queer as grandmas!

It is all part of the rich pattern of their lives.

I regularly look after grandchildren to support their respective parents going to work - started when they were babies and now after school pick ups/school holiday care. I have always been happy to go with routines and preferences to meet their needs, however would have drawn the line at being set 'rules'.

A friend gave up caring for her grandchild after a falling out about rules - the main one being that she was never to leave her house when caring for the baby so that the parents knew where they were at all times.

Then she shouldn’t be looking after my child unsupervised.

It’s not a favour to me if she cannot abide by my wishes.

My parents (mainly DM) look after my 2yo 3 days a week, have done since he was about 8m old. I have no 'rules' as such, but am totally happy with the way they look after him. Only thing I think I've ever said to them is around naps eg asked them to no let him nap longer than an hour or so. I'm extremely grateful for them looking after him and they enjoy having him

I’m thankful for this thread as I’ve realised that I just don’t trust certain people to babysit my kids.

but on the other hand I’m not desperate/needing childcare.