Page 2 | Any grandparents here who look after their grandchildren? If so...

vivainsomnia · 12/05/2023 16:12

Well it's obvious it depends on the rules. Big difference between asking to use the right car seat and expecting to follow a strict schedule of eating, naps, TV watching etc....

Ultimately, either you trust your parent to look well after your child or you don't and find another trustworthy provider.

Thedogscollar · 12/05/2023 16:13

I'm looking after my grandson right now. I still work part time at 60 and I often have him stay over in the month and all the next day.
My son and his fiance have never stipulated rules. I guess I'm doing this for my own joy at being with my grandchild and to help them out. I suppose it boils down to trust and they don't see the need for rules.
Since your arrangement has fallen through it would be interesting to know what your rules were.

SpecialControlGroup · 12/05/2023 16:14

if someone is doing you a massive favour then there needs to be flexibility.

Sticking to safety rules like car seats or cutting grapes would be a red line, but frankly rules about stuff like clothes or 'you must spend x amount of time doing enrichment activities and Y amount of time outside' are taking the piss a bit.

If you want to dictate how the time is spent, you should pay for it

queenatom · 12/05/2023 16:15

My MIL looks after our son at our house 1 day a week. We haven't had to give her rules because we trust her to do the right thing by him - she's very safety-conscious about things like car seat safety and choking hazards anyway, and we provide all of the food for him so I know he's eating sensibly (and I'm not concerned if she gives him the odd sweet treat out and about). We ask her to try to stick to his usual nap schedule as it'll make everyone's life easier, and she does. On the smaller things like level of screen time, clothing for going out and about, activities etc, I accept that ceding a bit of control is the price I pay for free childcare, but fundamentally I trust that she's doing the best she can for him, and if I didn't then I would find and pay for additional nursery instead.

hiredandsqueak · 12/05/2023 16:16

My dd doesn't impose rules as she trusts that I am entirely competent at caring for dgs. Dgs knows that there are rules here that might be different to his mama's rules for their house (in some areas I'm more strict and in others less so) but he needs to follow my rules when he is here. There is no conflict between dd and I she appreciates the chilcare I do, dgs is happy to come here and he is thriving.

WeWereInParis · 12/05/2023 16:18

What rules did you ask her to follow?

My PILs look after my DDs one day a week and we don't set any rules. However we get along very well with them, and we lived with them during lockdown (when DD1 was a baby) and for a few weeks after DD2 was born as well so I know that our general parenting/child rearing attitudes are similar in terms of behaviour, food, what to do day to day etc.
If I felt like I couldn't trust them to take care of DDs without me setting rules, I don't think I'd do it at all.

Viewfrommyhouse · 12/05/2023 16:18

My dad helps out a couple of times every couple of weeks. No rules as such. I'm fairly lax as a parent tbh. My only deal breaker would be no smacking. But dad doesn't do that anyway so no worries there. He's doing me a favour, so I'm just happy to have the help.

BelindaBears · 12/05/2023 16:20

I’m on the other side in that my parents provided free childcare for a day a week before DD started school. I wouldn’t have dreamed of imposing rules on them! Either you trust them to look after your child appropriately or you don’t trust them in which case you should be using paid childcare instead.

icallshade · 12/05/2023 16:20

I don't have any 'rules' in terms of what they get up to, but I have asked my mum not to give my 11 month old squash as she's such a good water drinker. I provide meals for my daughter at my mums request.

Thomasina79 · 12/05/2023 16:21

I would stick rigidly to their rules. My two year old DGS has allergies so their guidelines are particularly important. I would not dream of going against them!

Skybluepinky · 12/05/2023 16:22

U want to impose rules pay for childcare.

AngelinaFibres · 12/05/2023 16:28

We have our 1 year old grandson at our house one day a week for 10 hours. He has visited every week with my DIL ,or I visited them , since he was born. I watched what she fed him for breakfast and lunch from 9 months ish and how she interacted with him. I have reproduced that in my house. We have stair gates etc. They provide the nappies that they are happy with. He has lots of scruffy clothes here that DIL wouldn't take him out in but are brilliant for messy play/ water/ gardening. I went on a first aid course with her before he started coming to us.I have huge affection and respect for my DIL and would absolutely fit in with whatever she requested. He is her precious child and I want her to feel totally confident about leaving him with me. I send her lots of watts app videos during the day so that she can see that he is happy.I know it saves them money but I regard it as a huge honour that they trust me with him and would never do anything to jeopardise that.

Badbudgeter · 12/05/2023 16:30

I think there is a line in here somewhere. This Is what we do, let’s keep everything roughly the same, is a common sense approach.

Treating your Mother like an unpaid nanny won’t go down well. If you want to dictate everything pay for childcare. I would say unless you are paying a nanny a child care giver often has to balance out the needs of multiple children simultaneously so you will also need to be flexible.

MakesMeFeelSad · 12/05/2023 16:31

No they don't, they tell me what food they like and nap times etc then leave me to it

Same as I do with my mum and gp when they look after my dc

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 12/05/2023 16:32

Does your mum want to look after me?

Dunno. Will you expect a present every week? Devise complex games involving princesses and witches and change the rules every 5 minutes? Expect to win at board games? Want to do messy things involving glitter and glue on the carpet not the table? If the answer to those things is no...then possibly!

I think the similarity in parenting styles is key. My mum may have faults but she's not one for excess other than in presents. I wouldn't want my mil (who I adore) looking after my dc because she lets them snack on whatever they want...4 creme eggs in a row..no problem! She also has very different ideas about responsibility. 4 is apparently old enough to go to the park alone. I'm sure if I gave her rules she would mostly follow them but the idea of trying to cover every scenario is too much like hard work and I'd never relax.

takealettermsjones · 12/05/2023 16:32

It really depends on what the rules are.

Thinking about it, I suppose I have 'rules' for my DC but it was never a case of handing MIL a list of instructions, it was more that she was around us a lot while we were parenting the way we do and she carries on doing it that way now that she's looking after DC once a week. If she's not sure she will ask.

I've also mentioned a couple of things to her that I wanted her to change (politely, obviously - but e.g. she had no idea about the advice on cutting grapes as that wasn't a thing when her kids were young). She's happy to go along with it because they're reasonable 'rules' and they're all about safety. So e.g. car seats, sun safety, caring for DD's eczema, never being unsupervised in garden (they have a pond), choking etc.

In terms of food, drink, TV time, toys etc - she can do whatever she wants. It's once a week, she's doing us a favour, and DC love spending time with her. I'm not going to ruin that by making her impose 'home' style rules on them!

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 12/05/2023 16:35

My DS and DIL have never given me rules as such, but I know what their general boundaries are (limited tablet time, only occasional sugary treats etc) and I obviously try to stick to them. I love looking after my DGC and would hate them to feel they couldn't trust me.

Noodlepoodles21 · 12/05/2023 16:40

Argh. My mil does this. “Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules”. I think she might actually get high from saying this! 15 years of it! 😂 I think it makes her feel good about herself, so I let her get on with it.

UndercoverCop · 12/05/2023 16:40

Grandparents have mostly looked after DS at our house, so in terms of food etc they use what's available which is what we would give him anyway, we are strict with sweets etc, he drinks milk or water, if they're going to the beach hat/long sleeves preferred or keep on top of the factor 50, we live by the coast and he's very fair like me, even on a breezy day it can be easy to burn.
Car seats are non negotiable but we provide one. We don't like screen time where avoidable but luckily all grandparents are quite outdoorsy and there is lots to do locally. We provide parking permits for the local area and annual passes for farm park, soft play and aquarium for DS and for them.
I think if you have certain expectations you facilitate/pay for them

Ovaeasy · 12/05/2023 16:41

Depends what the rules are.

I have always taken the view that if I trust them enough to look after my dc, that’s enough. If I felt I had to give them a load of rules, they wouldn’t be the right people to care for my most precious things.

PaintingTheSky · 12/05/2023 16:41

I've looked after mine daily since their mum returned to work after maternity leave and I've never been given any rules.

Noodlepoodles21 · 12/05/2023 16:42

And she doesn’t respect our ‘rules’. E.g giving ds an ice cream when he was about one (he hadn’t had any at that point), didn’t tell us and then loved telling me a few years later that she had gone behind our backs. It thrills her!

UndercoverCop · 12/05/2023 16:42

I would also add that we were happy to pay for childcare and do on other days but grandparents insisted they wanted time with DS

eddiemairswife · 12/05/2023 16:43

No rules when I looked after my grandchildren. My own rule was 'no TV until dressed in the morning' when they had school, as my daughter would pick them up after her night-shift and take them to school. Her husband would drop them off in pyjamas.

Nanny0gg · 12/05/2023 16:43

iopll · 12/05/2023 15:21

Do your dc impose ‘rules’ for you to abide by for the grandchildren (what they can eat, wear, anything really…) and do you abide by them?

Rules - When babies, sleep and to a degree eat.

Now they're all much older I feed them what they'll eat.

I don't over-indulge in the sweet treat department anyway.

Wear - they came in what they're parents dressed them in and they supplied spares.

There was nothing I wanted to do that went against what their parents would have done I don't think.