Any grandparents here who look after their grandchildren? If so...

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Do your dc impose ‘rules’ for you to abide by for the grandchildren (what they can eat, wear, anything really…) and do you abide by them?

Depends on the rules.

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I look after my two grandsons (4 years old and 18 months old) two days a week. My dd and sil asked that they don't get chocolate or fizzy juice. They've qualified that as the 4 year old has an irritable bladder and squash makes him pee so no squash either. They asked that I don't show Peppa Pig. I don't let the younger boy nap after half four. I'm happy to follow their rules as the boys follow them at home so it helps consistency. Sadly the other carer does not follow their rules at all and it's starting to cause issues with the older boy who is questioning why he doesn't get juice at home or with me, but gets it at grandads.

My parents used to have my kids and I was pretty clear than when you're with grandma you follow grandma's rules. I never dictated what my parents should do, they know how to feed a kid!

To be honest, I probably have more rules than my DD does! Just for my own comfort, it's not that I disagree with her chilled approach in her own house

So if there are more than a couple of toys/games out, DGD has to put one away before getting another. She has to sit at the table for all her meals, and a few other little things that she willingly does because she's at grandma's.

I look after all four of my grandchildren and I do my best to follow the rules. I was talking to a fellow gran at the school gates and she told me that she has a fair amount of flexibility. If they don't fancy an after school club, she doesn't take them. I would never dare do that.
I am very careful but last September my granddaughter had a very slight redness on one arm ( sunburn). I was sent a photo and asked to explain myself.
I love my grandchildren dearly and I am so fortunate to see them regularly but I am well into my seventies and I do five days a week ( although two are half days). A thank you is incredibly rare.
I worked full time until my sixties and then immediately started childcare. Some posters are so nasty about grandparents but we are older and I do get tired. Most of us do our best, usually for free and without even an occasional thank you

I've never given my parents or MIL rules.

I trust them absolutely.

I also want to know what rules… naps and limiting sugar or tv, fine, but rules on what they wear/what they otherwise do might be too much.

People say that all the time but it's not true - if child goes to childminder or nursery they will have to fit in with the routine there, TV and food etc. If you have a private nanny you can have more say I guess

This is uncomfortable to read. You sound like you're being exploited and bullied. It must be very stressful for you, with seeing your GC used as a carrot and stick. Im sorry to read this.

I don’t think I’ve ever given my parents or in-laws “rules” regarding the kids. The only one really would be that DS has food allergies, so we have to be careful there, but they are all very onboard with that!

The only thing I can think recently is that DD5 wet the bed a few months ago, which is unusual for her and she was distressed by it. We think it was from having a fairly large glass of blackcurrant squash close to bedtime at granny’s house. So I asked my DM (nicely) to make sure that doesn’t happen again. And it hasn’t. DM is more than happy to comply with a perfectly reasonable request like that.

Agree.

You definitely sound as if you are a victim of elder abuse.

Reach out to Age.uk and Women's aid for a chat.

At nearly 60, I wouldn't be up for looking after 4 children.

You must be exhausted.

Utterly thankless in a lot of cases.

Not one of my friends will consider it.

Emergency help, a bit of occasional babysitting at night.

Nothing weekly that prevents them enjoying their retirement.

No apologies either for their position either.

This is really distressing. Friends of mine are in a similar position in that if they don't do the childcare, they know they won't get to see their GCs. But they 'only' have to do two days a week and occasional whole weekends with two GCs. Not five days a week with four GCs. And they're in their late 60s, not well into their 70s like you.

Exactly this. I look after my 20 month old granddaughter one day a week. Luckily I have very laid back son and DIL.

I am so lucky that my in-laws watch my children from time to time and they are so respectful and always follow what I've asked (even when I've been over anxious and a bit over the top at times!)

@saraclara . I was a teacher and I looked forward to the holidays. With childcare there are no holidays unless the children are away on holiday with their parents. In which case we get landed with the dog and visiting to feed the cats.
I don't want to make outI am special. Most of my friends are in a similar position. MN is full of posters maintaining that free childcare is their human right.
There was a poster complaining recently that her MIL had recently died and was no longer providing childcare. Her FIL, bereaved and elderly found it hard to have both children at once. To punish him she was going to stop him having one child. Both or none. I did not see a single poster pointing out how cruel she was being.

They follow my rules around car seats etc. and generally follow my request for no napping after 3.

but she eats way too much crap when she is there and watches TV all day. But I tell myself it's once a week and it's saving me £350 per month.

She doesn't get the same when she's with us - so everything in moderation!

My parents have my daughter once a week, as well as her being in nursery 2 days.

My parents having her once a week is the difference between me making money and losing money. They’re doing a huge favour so I keep rules minimal. I’m very strict on screen time at home for example but that rule goes out the window at there’s (they’re late 60s and my mum has a knee problem so if tv gives them a rest then I’m happy with that). As long as there’s a balance between playing with her/taking her in the garden etc.

my main things are limiting her sugar/salt, which they do abide by (although my mum always says I’m too strict) and spending time reading with her (which they do lots). That and the obvious safety things like supervising her/cutting her foods right/car seat safety.

I've been doing regular grandparent duties for a long time. We don't have rules as such but I regard it as a privilege to be doing it. We have special lunches (nothing fancy) just stuff that the parents don't have, and because they only get it at grandma's house it's a real treat. Custard tarts, for example! I have a usual routine but if I'm doing something different, e.g. going to a garden centre or visiting my mother in law and taking them I always tell my daughter first so she knows.
I expect they think I'm spoiling them, buying them Lego magazines and making their bed for them before school etc but not enough to worry about. I also empty the dishwasher for them, fold the washing for them and they use my car more than me!

I don't, I trust both my mum and MIL's judgement. They did raise me and DH respectively, and we both turned out wonderfully.

I have 4 dds and if they are lucky enough to have children it wouldn’t occur to any of them to impose rules upon me. They would want their children to be raised as they were.

Out of interest, what would you do if they failed to achieve the correct balance between TV and playing and going into the garden in your opinion, or read to her less than 'lots'? Would that be sufficiently serious for you to stand them down and take the loss?

I do/don't do what ever I am asked to do/not to do. However there are only ever a very few guidelines and both my children trust me to do what is best for their children. I am a rule-follower (autistic) and it helps me to know what they want me to do. They would never tell me not to let their children watch television, whether/when to take them out, what they should have to eat. I ask about bedtimes, snacks/bottles for the baby, whether they would mind if I take the children somewhere (they never mind). I have baby bath, high chair, playpen, car seats, toys etc. and if there is any other equipment needed they leave it with me. If you don't trust your mother with your child either you must have been brought up very differently to how you would like your child brought up or you have some very strange/draconian ideas of how you would like your mother to look after your child.

I look after my 18 month old grandson one day a week.
and have done since he was 2_weeks old.

We don't have rules but we do all stick to the same routine for his naps and meals.
He has a lot of allergies so I'm very careful what he eats and I don't let him have anything very sugary or salty.
His other grandmother looks after him too and we have the same ideas and routines for him.
his parents trust us both to do our own thing with him

I do school run once or twice a week, and look after DC for two or three hours. My dil is grateful for the help and doesn't impose rules. She trusts my common sense and that of my co- grandmother. We all work together