To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

I am 8 months pregnant and I have already told DP that the only hospital visitors I want are my parents (obviously my DP too as he’s my birth partner). He totally understands. I am the patient. Everyone else can wait until I’m settled at home.

Oh gosh. The uncomfortable fact is that MIL often is a bit secondary. It’s just the nature of it. I’m sure there are many families where this isn’t the case, but I have to say I don’t know any.

Both babies, my MIL visited once to meet them and then we got into regular proper visiting when I was home. I adore my MIL and genuinely really enjoy her company, but my mum was more critical to my recovery.

Your DP probably is a bit traumatised and wants HIS mum. Totally normal. Perhaps FaceTime her each day? Or speak to your midwife, explain the absurdity of the whole situation and they may be able to help.

One hour from MIL means over 24 hours without OP having her mother there to support her.

IMO the baby is not 'equally' the fathers. It's not a possession at all. It's a sick Baby receiving care in hospital and should not be tasked with placating or pleasing anyone.

Furthermore there is absolutely nothing fucking 'equal' about pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding. The woman is hit with all of it and is therefore entitled to more consideration and support- and also to be the person who determines what form that takes.

Oh I couldn't deal with the drama, MIL is already showing her true colours. You are both ill in hospital, baby is 4 days old and she has seen baby already she should be greatful of that. Get DH to tell her straight he will let her know when you're home and settled and ready for visitors.
The being grabby in hospital with you is way over stepping already, you shouldn't have to deal with this. DH needs to step up and sort it or I feel this will be the way it's going to be for you, an over bearing granny and a load of drama over which granny is getting more air time.
oh and i wouldnt be trying to accommodate anyone either, youre 4 days post giving birth whats the bloody rush. Get yourself and baby fit and well. DH can see his mum whenever he wants he isn't in hospital.

Your husband needs to back away and let you choose who you want visiting, you are not unresonable at all!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your mil to want to see how you and your child are doing. It’s Friday now and presumably you are feeling physically better than you were. Unless your mum is providing personal care for you I think you should let your MIL visit you today. It is her grandchild too and she will be concerned about you both. It’s an hour out of your day. If she didn’t want to visit that would be wrong too. I think you’re being unfair to her, it’s Friday and she hasn’t seen her grandchild or you since Monday but your mother has visited three times.

If that’s what you want then that’s what you should have. Frankly some of the replies on here to you a new mother who nearly died are shocking. If my husband had whinged at me like yours is doing to you I’d have banned him from visiting. And if I’d wanted my mother there after a traumatic birth he’d be completely understand. As it happens my mother flew home immediately after the birth as that was what I wanted and she not only accepted that, she respected my choices.

I’m so sorry that you are having added trauma dealing with two adults who are so selfish they are piling stress on you. And it’s only natural you’d want your mother there with you, the person who has your welfare and best interests in her heart. Now and forever. I miss my mother still, would have loved to have such a good relationship as you do. Congratulations on your bundle of joy.

@Dillydollydingdong do you genuinely think that in a situation where a woman almost died in childbirth and is hospitalised with her baby, the family’s priority should be enduring the MIL gets what she wants regardless of the impact on the mother and baby ?

is that genuinely your priority? Could you explain why you feel the visiting preferences of a healthy relation trump the emotional and health needs of a sick, traumatised mother to manage her own hospital care?

@user1086 Your husband needs to consider whether if he was severely ill in hospital, he’d be dividing his visiting time between your mum and his, and if not why not?

I suspect it’ll be ‘because his mum wants to see the baby’ in which case I’d tell him to consider why he’s prioritising his mum’s wants over the needs of his sick wife who is traumatised in hospital.

he needs to grow the fuck up and start acting like a husband father and protecting you both

Did you miss the part where OP was on the sepsis pathway and is traumatised and fragile?

but it’s your ‘expert’ opinion that 3 days is enough time for her to tolerate her husbands mother mauling her breasts ?

Are you discussing this reasonably with your dh in normal voice?

Well, feck that noise. Let out some anger. Cry. Preferably get the sister on the ward turning up to find out what the commotion is.

Right now he's discussing this with you in these terms because his Mum is the one giving him most crap, and he's weak. Start giving him a world of fucking crap from your end.

And men wonder why their sex lives tank after a few years of their shit.

If the MiL was at all bothered about OP's well-being she wouldn't be piling on the pressure and whinging about being left out. She'd understand and accept that OP is poorly, vulnerable and needs her mum. She'd be quietly offering her support and asking what she could do to help.

It's been 4 days, MiL has met her grandchild. She now needs to be patient. OP's mum is visiting HER child, yes she gets to see her grandchild too but that's secondary. Her main concern will absolutely be her daughter.

Do you really think piling on stress and causing issues between OP and her husband is in any way the actions of a caring, considerate granny. She's all about her wants while completely ignoring not only OP's but the baby's needs.

Talk about missing the point completely! This is not about the mother-in-law being able to see her new grandchild, this is about the new grandchild and its mother being extremely ill and still recovering from a traumatic birth. As at least one pp has said, would the m-i-l have wanted her own m-i-l to visit instead of her own mother if she had been in a similar situation after giving birth? And would the DP want his m-i-l to visit rather than his own mother if he'd been through a similarly traumatic experience whilst in hospital for a "routine" procedure?
@user1086 I am so sorry to read this, and completely empathize with your wish to have your mother with you. I don't know, would it help to you your grumpy other half this thread to try to explain to him what a mess he's making of first time fatherhood (I assume) as a partner, or would it make things a lot worse? (The latter, I suspect!) I think it is so sad that your DP isn't doing everything in his power to help your speedy recovery, and if that includes your mother being there as the main visitor, even for just one day, perhaps, well, he should be thinking of you rather than his mother in this.
I wish you both a speedy recovery and I hope things work out well when you get home. Oh, and congratulations on your new baby!

I'm always on the MIL side on these threads, but your case is completely different.

I would explain to your DH, and tell him to pass it along to MIL, that this is not about the baby. Once you're back to yourself she will of course be an equal granny, but for this short period of time you need your mum to support you. It's not about the baby, it's about you.

He needs to cop on and realise that, but if he's not usually a spineless idiot I'd give him a break. He's likely exhausted and fairly traumatised himself and none of us are at our best in that state. He really does need to wise up though.

The OP asked for opinions, just because my non expert opinion differs from yours (I missed your qualifications) doesn’t make it any less valid. Maybe the OP will value a differing viewpoint or maybe they just want everyone to agree with them. She asked AIBU and in my opinion she is but I’m sure that despite not being able to tell her mil to get her hands off of her she can scroll past my comment if she doesn’t like it.

That’s what Skype is for if she wants to see how OP and baby are doing.

Considering her behaviour from the last visit, she’s only there to see baby and OP is an afterthought. There’s a reason there’s only one extra visit for an hour a day from someone other than her DH. If OP and baby were well enough there would be an allowance of more visitors. MIL will be able to cuddle baby once they’re out of hospital. If she really cared, she would be asking what they all need or if she can help with something while they’re in the hospital instead of making the situation about her and not understanding why OP would want her own mother with her who is taking care of her daughter not just getting cuddles with her grandchild.

Incredibly selfish view. Why should MIL demand to see OP and her baby when they are both ill and recovering after traumatic birth?

DH needs to step up and respect his wife wishes. He is not a patient. OP is not cutting her MIL off permanently, she is recovering in the hospital! If MIL can't accept it and continues to behave like a child, I would not be surprised if it sours their relationship.

@Throwncrumbs you read the op right?? Does the op not have the right to determine who visits her in hospital when she is very unwell she a traumatic birth??? Why exactly is it that you think mils want to see the baby is more important than what op feels she needs to be able to manage her recovery? Please spell it out for me because I can't understand your perspective. Unless you'd be the type of mill to put your own want to see a baby above the welfare of your dil?

"When she visited I found her really overbearing and she spent most of the time literally trying to shove my boob in DD's mouth (DD is having trouble latching on) and all I wanted to do was rest and go to sleep.'

1. This is just terrible...^^

^^2. Has baby been checked for tongue tie and lip band tie by an expert?

1. Do you get expert help with breastfeeding? Not just a midwife, but an IBCLC certified lactation consultant.

Can you ask the midwives to have a word with him?

Jesus Christ what is wrong with these men and their mummy’s?! Absolutely bizarre. You and baby are the priority right now, his mums feelings are irrelevant, if she can’t keep them
to herself then it’s a her problem. You and baby have been through a lot and MIL has the rest of her life to either form a bond or make life difficult for herself and push you away with this kind of behaviour.

Your baby, your postpartum recovery, your private space, end of.

Also congratulations you fucking warrior! Enjoy this time and block out the noise 💜

You know what, if you are so I'll that you are having to stay in hospital, I don't think you should have to deal w all this, and it's really unfair of DH to even bring it up with you.
It's not about being fair with his Mum, your Mum or DH, you are unwell and are entitled to want your Mum.
DH should be stepping up and explaining this to his Mum, and maybe working out whether he can take the baby out for a few hours to see his mum, unless the babu is too I'll to leave the hospital too.
Why is he making this your problem?

Do you know what really gets me is people not understanding or maybe not remembering how difficult those first few days pp are. I had a section and very clearly told dh that I didn't want to see anyone the first few days (we facetimed both sets of grandparents from hospital) as I wanted to be able to focus on recovering and establishing bf. Dh parents put massive pressure on him- turned up on our doorstep daily (obviously wanting to help. This was not helpful to me in the slightest. ) and then started to dictate who else in the family would need to see baby within the first week. Dh was really stressed between wanting to support me and not wanting to offend his parents so didn't challenge them when I asked him to. As a result I really struggled to establish breastfeeding and it was only when one of my midwives told me I was to close the door on visitors until feeding was going better that my dh felt able to go back to his parents because then it was medical advice. So my question would be to those who are saying mil has a right to be there - why was my own instinct as a mother not enough, why did my child's weight need to drop concerningly low before I had enough reason to shut my own front door instead of being able to prevent that from happening? Needless to say closing the door worked and weight was gained and I felt better in myself. People lose sight of their dils needs when a new baby arrives and that's unacceptable.

When you are unwell you want your mum! That's it really. No matter how old we are mum's are there to give you a hug and care for you. You are doing nothing wrong, I hope you start to feel better soon. And congratulations on your baby.

I can’t believe your DP and MIL are making you feel bad after what you’ve been through, and all the PPs suggesting poor MIL has to be accommodated are frankly pretty weird too.
First of, you’re very poorly and vulnerable, yes it’s absolutely normal to want your mum there, YANBU, not at all.
Secondly, it’s not a right for wider family to be seeing a new baby fresh out of womb right away, they can certainly wait for a few days til you go home, come on.