unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

The account is true - dunno what else to tell you

It makes sense in real life - the entire point is that there was no need for 24 year old to address it.

It is not having an impact on the wider workplace due to office layout, where her office is and the role she has

I’m not talking about the team meeting, because where the news was shared is irrelevant. What is relevant is the impact it’s having on the work environment. OP can speak on her own perception of it, but that isn’t necessarily going to be the perception of others.

I don’t know the manager to comment on their levels of competence, in much the same way I don’t know whether the colleague was being ‘a knobhead’ or whether she had a point, however clumsily worded. What I suspect, based on OP’s own words, is that the colleagues comments didn’t come out of nowhere.

There does seem to have been a strong messaging over the last few years that older people (teachers, parents, colleagues etc) do need educating. There’s a lot of guidance on how they should do it too - everything from pronouns to climate issues. A teacher was made to apologise to a whole class, in front of her senior colleague, for having said ‘good afternoon girls’. Also, anything can be independently ‘researched’ online, so it’s easier than ever to dismiss what adults say and their life experience.

It won’t mean a whole generation will take this into the workplace culture - but a lot of individual young people will. There have been lots of threads suggesting they are.

This bears repeating:

We’re all human and have biases etc. It’s natural she feels protective over her friend. But posting on MN means inviting other perspectives, and I think the way the 24 year old is being described by many is pretty awful.

Is she selfish? Yes, possibly. Cruel? Not exactly. Inexperienced? Most likely. But you don't know, really. And this workplace is hers as much as any other person's.

This is not so much AIBU but clearly meant as 'Is she'... and nobody is entirely in the wrong or in the right.

Yeah inexperienced and a bit cringe - totally agree it could be this rather than deliberately cruel - it is her workplace, but it honestly did not have to have been anything to do with her- there was plenty of scope for her to avoid

The manager told everyone in a team meeting. The 24 year old could have shut her mouth and said nothing. She could have got on with her own business and work and asked her manager why they brought it up in the team meeting. Op already said her friend didn't go to her to talk she imposed herself.

Politeness and consideration goes to everyone in my view.

You don't understand. Her friend said nothing to the 24 year old she went to her. I would see your point if the op's friend went to the 24 year old but she didn't. She wasn't polite with her comment she was rude. Are you like that in real life is that why you're defending her?

I would simply rely to her "Don't worry, I cant imagine she would want to discuss it with you." And leave it at that.
Selfish, self obsessed people exist everywhere, and you can guarantee part of her problem is that she is being entirely left out of it. Projection.

So it MUST be due to her age then, of course it can’t be just a personality thing.

Surely people can understand that in general a 24 year old has much less life experience than someone twice their age? Didn't we all say and do cringey and stupid things at that age? I know I did and as I was married and expecting my first child at 24 I was in a different position to many of my peers....did it mean I was mature? Fuck no.

I can believe it was completely unsolicited, I know someone who would do the same thing. They would be trying to be kind and helpful but they would have heard some advice and try to pass it on. In the person I knows case it's because they lack filters to realise what is appropriate and what isn't so something they mean kindly can appear thoughtless and cruel.

That was my immediate thought too

@LightlySearedontheRealityGrill very well said and an excellent response to give.

Based on what the OP has posted the lady in question is not sobbing by the water cooler, she's just being emotionally supported by those colleagues close to her (apparently 24 yr old is not part of those colleagues) the OP has stated there's no interfering, just a normal case of a woman who has lost her parents and is getting a hug or two from colleagues. I've worked in many offices before (so quite familiar with the work environment), if this happened in any of my past jobs that self entitled a-little-big-for-her-shoes 24 yo would have been called by the manager who would have had a "chat" with her.

Both are too much by the sounds of it

Loads of ageism on this thread btw 🙄

"For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24"

What's that got to do with anything other than your blatant ageism?

Yes this is what I didn't understand as well, if they are in private 1-2-1 discussions I don't understand how they know?

24 is Gen Z

You will have to read the thread the op has posted throughout where they heard it. Fuck it God told them

the age is given possibly to make the point that at 24 most people have not had a lot of life experiences that people tend to have accrued by their late 40s. At 24, most people haven't lost a parent or a close friend or a sibling. That's just life, and it does give context.

So, at 24, most people are a lot more clueless about death than they are at 35 or 45. This 24yr old appears to fall into the category of not only not having much experience of loss to call on, but also being an utter twonk who thinks she knows it all.

😂
Thank you

I don't how how else to more clearly put it

Yes this is what I didn't understand as well, if they are in private 1-2-1 discussions I don't understand how they know?
I suspect we'll not get much further on this. The OP has said, and we can take it at face value, that the bereaved colleague is in her office and being comforted by friends.

I suspect it's not as black and white as the OP suggests as it's really bizarre that a colleague would (based on nothing more than a personal announcement in a team meeting) go to a bereaved colleague and make such comments (which were misjudged). It doesn't make sense.

But I could be being cynical because I've worked in environments with established friendship groups and have seen emotional bleeding out where the behaviour and focus of other people shifts when something goes on with one member of the group. (Eg. People not doing X,Y,Z because they're just going to check in with someone and just checking in turns into a lengthy chat because that's just what you do when people are upset, the overall atmosphere of the team becomes dominated by the personal events of someone, or a break/task takes longer because they just needed to make a coffee for so and so and naturally they were upset and a different colleague has been left covering something, or needing to speak to someone about a work task but it's not possible to because the friends are all sitting in a room/office somewhere having a personal chat and it feels rude to interrupt). The person experiencing the situation isn't walking up to people and off-loading, but the behaviour of their friends has influenced the team environment.

Can you really not see that there are generational differences in how people handle things, in how people were raised, in the kind of formative life experiences people have had, in the differences in the use of technology, etc? Of course we should not make assumptions about someone because of their age - I happen to work with two 25 year olds who are fabulous and would be horrified by this carry on and one late thirty something who's a knobhead - but there are certainly broad trends that have an impact and that are worthy of discussion. Put it this way, what this 24 year old has done and said would have been pretty unimaginable in any workplace I was in 25 years ago whereas now I have no trouble believing it.

bangs head on desk forever

because offices are small places and gossip tends to be pretty common, most probably some colleague mentioned the 24 yo that "so and so just lost her parents and she's upset" or something in those lines. Pretty common office gossip that is really no big deal. My 24 yo self would have gone to said lady (assuming she worked in my same department or we interacted frequently) and give her my condolences, end off. My 24 yo self would have never ever dreamed of getting all pissy and making her problem all about me.

Gen z, millennial etc...or whatever cool name this one belongs to the "me me me generation".

@LolaSmiles I agree, I’ve worked in places like that too. I know that it’s really annoying OP but can you not see how it doesn’t make sense that the 24 year has objected to behaviour that is happening but which you maintain she’s not seeing or being affected by?