unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Maybe the 24 Yr old does have empathy but is going through her own shit and can't deal with the colleague off loading

@Maddy70 OP said colleague isn’t off loading to 24 year old or any other colleagues

Somehow she doesn’t have the maturity to understand that everyone griefs differently, while some may keep all to themselves suffering and processing it in silence others may want to share. Unless the older lady is sobbing loudly by the water cooler I don’t understand what’s the big deal and why make a problem out of something that is really not. So immature…

This is a really interesting thread & I'm learning lots, as well as finding myself nodding along to posts from all sides of the issue.

Neither colleague is fully right or wrong.

I suspect that the atmosphere for colleagues who are not friends or close to the bereaved colleague is quite difficult, and that the OP, as a friend of the bereaved colleague, is not fully aware of this. Doesn't mean of course, that there should not be empathy & compassion in workplaces.

Who said it was unbelievable? Sure, 24 year olds can stay stupid things. So can 34, 54, and 84 year olds.

The account doesn’t make sense, however. If it was as discreet as OP was describing, there would be no reason for the colleague to feel the need to address it, however clumsily she has done so. ‘Discreet’ also doesn’t correlate with ‘in an awful state’ and ‘people have flocked around’. It would suggest that it’s having more of an impact on the workplace than OP claims.

The tone was set with your OP tbh. I appreciate that probably wasn’t your intention and you were venting but this is how things get out of hand and why there’s been a suspicion/worry about the potential for bullying. Certainly your later posts taking on board your younger colleagues potential view point appear calmer and understanding.

I think most people have seen or experienced how one offence can be blown completely out of proportion and turn into campaigns against the offender.

Its easier to whip people up with anger than it is to galvanise them into anything more positive.

Or she has the maturity to understand it’s a workplace that is being disrupted by a personal issue, however harsh that may sound. There’s no denying it’s a horrible thing she’s going through and is deserving of sympathy, but that also has to be balanced with the requirements of the job and everyone else’s ability to get on and do it.

And she may very well be ‘sobbing loudly by the water cooler’, or at least behaving in a way that is impacting the wider environment.

my original tone was all about how I had found the situation, so I don't see the correlation about suspected bullying, also in first posts, you are trying to get as much context as possible so as not to commit the sin of dripfeeding

Also, sorry to those who think it doesn't make sense- there's no more to it, I am not obfuscating or lying or whatever.

And she may very well be ‘sobbing loudly by the water cooler’, or at least behaving in a way that is impacting the wider environment.

She isn't

except the 24 year old, and possibly others, may perceive that very differently to you.

nope, we don't have a watercooler. She is in her office which we visit - as I have previously said, it was unsolicited

‘Or behaving in a way that is impacting the wider environment’, which doesn’t require a water cooler.

I believe you OP.

Can’t understand the continuing insistence by some posters that your bereaved colleague is seeking people out for trauma dumping sessions.

You’ve clarified it more than once and given really good context.

This was something for the 24 year old to vent about outside work, not seek out bereaved colleague and ‘educate’ her.

The philosophy of what the 24 year old said can be discussed on its merits, as an idea. But I think the action she took in the workplace is a separate discussion

I know it's bonkers innit

She (like all of us is just a totally normal woman) she is fairly quiet as a person, but obviously struggling, works in a little office by herself which doesn't require her to go out and about to other staff or just randomly 'trauma dump'

Your original post said she was in an awful state and people were flocking to her.

Clearly the younger collleague has seen her in distress and has seen her bringing her grief into the workplace and looking to colleagues perhaps - when you weren't present or at times you aren't aware of.

It may have been unsolicited and unnecessary but I don't believe the younger colleague invented the issue behind the statements, especially given your own words that she is in an 'awful' state and people were 'flocking' around her.

Your original post said she was in an awful state and people were flocking to her
She is and they are - in the ways of flowers, cuppas, checking in on her.
If you didn't want to support her, you wouldn't have to . There are plenty of other people at work who havent spoken to her about it as they don't know her well etc

Why did OP make this into a "new generation of people" issue?

Clearly the younger collleague has seen her in distress and has seen her bringing her grief into the workplace and looking to colleagues perhaps - when you weren't present or at times you aren't aware of

Then she can address that with HR if she has concerns. Speaking directly to the bereaved colleague on behalf of others is hugely inappropriate.

Because this is a view I have never heard before, and I connected it to her age.
I'm 48 and have never experienced anyone being so cold and transactional to a grieving person

I don't really get your point. Plenty of people have grief counselling. That doesn't mean that's the only way to grieve. It's the people saying the person needs professional help that I take issue with. She might or she might not. If she feels the benefit of colleagues helping her, she may find this better than counselling. I'm not arguing that people don't benefit from counselling if that's what they want.

It doesn't really matter whether it's sympathy or empathy, the bereaved person seems to take comfort in it. I don't understand why you're splitting hairs on this. It's not up to you to decide what someone finds comforting.

Maybe the colleague is a knobhead. Knobheads can also be tone deaf, in fact they're surely more likely to be tone deaf than someone who is more measured in the work environment.

We can't know. But we can have opinions. Ours just happen to differ.

cold and transactional can be a defence, especially if people are affected deeply.

1 last time the manager told them in a team meeting. Why is this so hard to understand????

Obviously, if colleagues have gone to her after the TEAM MEETING of course she is going to show emotion. If her manager felt she shouldn't be at work they would talk to her or do you think their manager is incompetent in making decisions?

At that view what's the bereavement got to do with the rest of the workers?
You do not get to chose who needs support. Only whom you wish to support. Politeness and consideration goes to everyone in my view.

You can choose what you wish to do.

Yes, and what can also be a defence is to just stay away, and protect your boundaries that way

So it MUST be due to her age then, of course it can’t be just a personality thing.

Perhaps it could even be due to her hair colour, or skin colour…oh wait of course you couldn’t say that though could you as that’s highly offensive and would be massively inappropriate 🤨