unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

My original point was in response to you stating that people did not need support for "normal grief" you have now clarified this was not fully what you intended.

To me highlighting the difference between sympathy and empathy. Is important. They are two different emotions coming from 2 very different places.

@Sandra1984 I meant how do they know that discussions are taking place between colleagues and this woman. Not how do they know about OP's colleague's awful situation. It was a legitimate question that hasn't been answered.

Yes, one person is a prick, therefore the entire generation they belong to is 'me, me, me' - super helpful 👌

@EdithStourton I agree age is relevant here. Less likely to have suffered a severe loss. But also more likely to find the idea of losing both parents in such a short space of time very threatening.

The kindest spin I can put on her behaviour to the bereaved colleague is that it’s the bereavement that has triggered the 24 year old, not anything the bereaved person is doing.

Not to say this excuses it

Where did the colleague make these comments and what was the context of the convesation at the time? Who all was present?

Did he/she just randomly yell them out? Did he/she pass grieving colleague in the hall and tell them (but then how would OP know verbatim account)? Did he / she say it in a team meeting as an item on the agenda? Did he / she go to grieving colleagues office and interupt the support session?

To me highlighting the difference between sympathy and empathy. Is important. They are two different emotions coming from 2 very different places.

🙄

@labamba007 Yes, one person is a prick, therefore the entire generation they belong to is 'me, me, me' - super helpful

I'm not saying all her generation is "me me me" I was just making a joke about her being like that. I know some pretty decent 24 year olds who would never dream of getting into a work place and start telling their older colleagues how things need to be run.

@crochetmonkey74 - I absolutely believe you.

Not only have I seen similar several times, my THIRTEEN YEAR OLD has started giving us advice on how to tackle emotional issues.

It's always in the context of how it will make others feel, not the person who is actually suffering. Is always very bossy and self-possessed, possibly sliding into petulant.

It is hilarious/ astonishing most of the time, when it's our child, as it feels as if they think we need their permission to discuss any issues at all. We are very clear in discussing the pros and cons of this approach, and how much we don't appreciate it.

He's starting to get it.

Makes me shudder more, of course, when young adults do it in an adult setting, cannot imagine how your friend feels. Sounds as if she's enough going on, and in a way that protects her from feeling cross.

Absolutely spot on

If I said something like that at 24 I think my parents would still have slapped me. Bless the lady what a horrible tough time for her and if like a lot of us we can't afford to take any time off work either or bills don't get paid. Your all doing well being supportive im 30s and would do exactly the same support wise. 2 things you could do depending how well you know the 24 yr old have a quiet word maybe she didn't realise how bad it sounds. Anyway well done for standing by your upset work colleague more of us should be doing it.

I get that someone always talking about their own problems at work might be an issue.

But I don’t want to be in a society where you have to ‘hide’ that BOTH your parents have died - and pretend to be a robot at work. Or if you do want to talk about it you have to ask ‘have you capacity to listen to me at the moment’?

Fuck that!

True, but how often do people clear their actions/response before they put it out there?

If your bereaved colleague isn’t particularly bothered by it then perhaps it’s best to follow her example and just write it off as a clumsy sentiment you don’t share. It doesn’t really need this level of scrutiny or offence taken. All analysis of it has served to do is get a load of strangers with half the story to air a load of venom about a complete stranger.

I don’t see how that’s beneficial for you either.

Some hilarious phrases and wording being used to describe the actions of the self obsessed. You are not entitled to not be offended or to have something sugar Coated for you in the workplace, it is not about the 24 year old, it is about the person who is grieving. Intelligence is obviously not a pre-requisite for working in your office as anyone with more than 2 brain cells would understand that they are required to do absolutely nothing about this bit of information! I don't think it is an age thing as I have a 16 year old DS with 16 year old friends and they cringe at the entitlement to positivity. It is a marketing ploy that every person who can't think for themselves has fallen for.

I don’t know why you’d ask ‘what do you guys think?’ In your OP then have that response to a comment like this which is very reasonable. this sounds completely possible. None of us are there so none of us can tell you if you are right to be so annoyed with young colleague or not. Lots of people have made good points about why 24 yr old light have said what’s he said. What do you want people to say?

the vice article linked up thread is about exactly this issue of boundary setting vs the normal way people interact. There’s quite a lot you could think about Otho g the whole topic of discussion that isn’t just - aren’t 24 yr olds the worst urgh.

I disagree with this in that this prevalent entitlement to positivity and solutions not problems, is damaging to society in that we are becoming less compassionate towards others and we are relying on others and their actions to make us happy. You can't control people so as to make your life better so you will never be content unless you understand that pretty quickly.

Maybe the younger colleague also needs to learn that you don't try to assert other people's boundaries. It's rude. Comes across as callous and unfeeling to say something like this when someone is obviously really struggling. And is patronising to the colleagues who are actually providing (and offering!) the support and I am sure are more than capable of asserting their own boundaries where needed.

And who made them the fucking boundary police. It's totally inappropriate for this come from them. If there are issues for other staff the feedback should come from a manager or HR. It's not for them to dictate.

I agree with this, nobody cares about your 'boundaries', they are in your head and all about you and you alone. The marketing is a success evidently as people buy in to this nonsense! You are not a robot, how about if your human instinct is telling you to fuck the boundaries and show some compassion, if you don't listen to your self help book and act the other way does this make you happier or sad?

What @AspiringChatBot and @whynotwhatknot said.

Why is the 24 y.o. unable to set their own boundaries? Nobody else can set your boundaries for you, and it certainly isn't the problem of somebody in grief.

I'm also torn on this. It sounds to me like your 24 Yr old colleague either doesn't have the social skills to confidently navigate through this and has found it difficult.

On one hand I fully believe in a supportive team and I'd want to be there for your colleague absolutely, but if the 24 Yr old is struggling with it then I can see why they maybe felt the need to speak up although it could have been done in a better way. Do you know much about the 24 Yr old colleague? Do you know if they've had some significant personal losses and are worried about losing face in work are are being overly "matter of fact" about it to compensate? I had a significant loss in the workplace and I tried not to talk about it as my own way of moving on but I found it incredibly difficult when similar issues were being discussed around me even if it wasn't direct. Luckily i had a great relationship with my team and they understood where I was at, but your younger colleague might not have that.

But no one has asked anything of the 24 year old

This is mumsnet, home of chatting and scrutinising small things. We can talk about anything we want

The 24 year old lacks sensitivity, decency and capacity to think if the needs of your colleague who has tragically lost both her parents, sounds like she's facing the worse time in her life.

Someone with some authority needs to step in and reprimand the inebriate asap before they cause any more harm.

Or seperate him to a box room with no windows away from human beings until he starts to behave like one.

@Irridescantshimmmer you're not sounding too human yourself there!

24 year old does need to be accountable to someone in authority over this. Or at least it would be the best outcome for their personal and professional development going forward

I’m not trying to police you @crochetmonkey74 I’m simply commenting that a large chunk of this thread is filled with people taking the opportunity to project whatever’s angering them. It’s pretty toxic (if that’s not too much of a millennial phrase to use ).

I can’t imagine how it’s benefiting you but if you think different then that’s your right of course.