unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Its starting to sound like bloody awful well meaning advice from someone who spends too much time online, or watched that agony aunt and thought it sounded good so passed it on. It might have actually been coming from a good place and have been an attempt to show support rather than trying to shut down grieving woman. The advice is bad and out of place but it doesn't mean it was selfish or cruel, she could have genuinely meant it to help.

Yes, but she’s in a work environment that presumably does require a certain amount of professionalism and focus on the job at hand.

the fact that the 24 year old felt the need to say something suggests it isn’t as discreet as OP is portraying it to be.

The trouble with the 'be kind' and 'boundaries' type people is that they want all the kindness and boundaries to flow their way but don't ever want to direct that kindness towards other people.

The ‘be kind’ and ‘boundaries’ lots imo are usually separate entities.

Ironic statement though, because the ‘be kind’ contingent aren’t holding back on the scorn towards the 24 year old. Her wording may have been clumsy, but her request isn’t unreasonable.

Still begsthe question how the 24yr old know all this is happening if it’s not in a public area
This is what I don't understand.For someone to comment it would suggest that the emotional support from friends is filtering into the working environment.

FWIW I think it's good that this person has friends in the workplace who are willing and able to offer support.

I do think that there's probably more to it than a colleague making a random (and very misjudged) comment to a colleague out of the blue.

The OP says herself that the colleague is in a state (which is understandable), and that people have been flocking around the bereaved colleague, popping in to her office at breaks and things, but that any support and crying is very private.

I can't help but wonder whether the issue isn't actually coming from the bereaved colleague, but the way other colleagues are behaving so it's having an effect on the whole team environment.

I’m another who finds it difficult to believe that the 24 year old has only heard about the bereavement once in the team meeting, has missed all of the times the bereaved lady has been crying and needing support, but has nonetheless decided to say something really contentious which coincidentally tackles all of the bereaved behaviour that the 24 year old never witnessed in the first place.

I suspect what’s going on is much more overt and disruptive than what’s being described. I don’t necessarily agree with the phrasing but I feel like for her to have said what she did to a room of foreseeable hostile people, it must be a pretty uncomfortable work environment.

Op how did your friend take what she said to her. What were her feelings around the advice she gave. Who knows she may have got it online and thought I know I will share it with colleague. If she was upset or offended then the 24 year old might be horrified to know she upset her.

You're calling op a liar?

God forbid anyone question the veracity of an account on MN. That’s unheard of!

Some people don't know how to behave like some don't know how to live in a house. People say things without thinking.

I doubt all of it has been in private as the OP claims otherwise how else is it known

I’m suggesting that the way the story is being told doesn’t make sense and the 24 year old must surely be picking up on more than she believes is the case.

We’re all human and have biases etc. It’s natural she feels protective over her friend. But posting on MN means inviting other perspectives, and I think the way the 24 year old is being described by many is pretty awful.

I have children close to the 24 year olds age they say strange things all the time. Some good and some careless because young people are still navigating their way through life. They will do and say stupid things but that is unbelievable isn't it.

A plot hole in the OP? Never!!

You should of course be sensitive to other peoples personal issues in the workplace.

OTOH people shouldn't bring their personal issues into the workplace to such a degree that they start significantly affecting the ability of the workplace to operate.

There is a lot of middle ground between these two extremes.

The problem is that any one account of what's going on in this particular instance is probably going to be highly subjective and not something that any reasonable person would expect to be able to draw sensible conclusions from.

There's a lot of scope here for a bun fight though if that's what you are into.

I think they should tell the 24 year old that's it's none of her concern. Young people will say and do things that will make them cringe later on in life. I wouldn't take offence to what a 24 year old says to me they have to get to my age first.

People who at 24 are ”more than aware of huge life events” simply don’t talk like that to a bereaved person, much less to a bereaved person who didn’t even approach them to ask for their support. This kind of callousness could have come from an equally inexperienced and immature 40 year old.

nope, not lying. Been on MN for years. Always used it as a place to chat about things.
My colleague hasn't said much really other than " this was a weird thing that ---said" She is not desperately upset by it, obviously as she has far more going on. I personally was just really shocked and it does seem cruel and selfish to me. I definitely take the point that younger colleague may have more going on. I also think it is a clumsy thing maybe. I look back at how I treated bereavement before I was bereaved and cringe - I had no idea about the massiveness of it.
There's no sinister stuff going on- lots of stuff on this thread has gone beyond and extrapolated lots.

I've not seen anyone say the bereaved woman should not get support. Just many are stating the 24 year old may also need some and this also have to be considered.

And you can't speak up for yourself in this situation and do a simple I am so sorry for your trouble and move on? It sounds like the colleague was being approached by other colleagues who wanted to support them not going out seeing support from everyone in the office fgs!

I think the issue is a 24 year old colleague felt it was their role to tell another colleague how to behave. Who are they to dictate the rules around this? I would tell them to get back in their lane and butt out.

She hasn't asked for support and at 24 would she want strangers who she barely knows her supporting her. I know at that age I didn't I wanted my family and friends support.

Op that's a really measured and kind response. It really is importent we consider all.

I agree that if we have not experienced a big loss it can be difficult to know how to word ourselves. Equally if we have it can be hard to express how we need to keep ourselves safe.

I find the attitude that nobody younger than me has anything useful for me to hear quite odd, to be honest. It may well be the 24 year old’s concern if she’s working in a really difficult office environment. We don’t know if that’s the case because we only have the OP’s take.

I didnt say she needed support. I said she has to be considered. Aka simply calling her a knobhead because her delivery doesn't suit your style is not ok. Op has also acknowledged this in her post. Something may be going on for her.

With that in mind we consider the 24 year old

As sad as it is, a workplace isn't the appropriate place for these conversations.

A quiet corner with a trusted friend, sure. But even overhearing these conversations will be stressful for other people, as will the constant emotional atmosphere.

I would hope your managers are supporting her and that she can have compassionate leave and will be understanding if she's not going above and beyond at the moment and just clocks in and clocks out. But you do have to set your personal issues aside at the workplace, as hard as it is. I hope she has lots of support outside work.

What's the 24 year olds life got to do with the op or you. I would be horrified if someone tried to impose themselfs on me. She don't want to know that's what has come across in her speech. You can't be sensitive about words you call them for what they are.

I think the issue is a 24 year old colleague felt it was their role to tell another colleague how to behave. Who are they to dictate the rules around this? I would tell them to get back in their lane and butt out.

Yes exactly. What are ‘the rules’ around this? It would be for a line manager or HR to address this - very sensitively and in private - if they felt bereaved colleague was being disruptive or inappropriate, or if they were getting numerous complaints.

It’s astonishing really, and the 24 year old is quite lucky here that the bereaved colleague is more mature and has too much on their plate to take this to HR.