unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

My local hospice offers bereavement support
There are 56. Each has a minimum of 3 client load. They have an 8 month waiting list.

That is how many people who require support with "normal grief," and this is just one area of the UK.

I disagree with you that simply because some have sought out the colleague to help, it means its empathy. For some, it will be sympathy, and for some, it will have to do with other more complex things like their mental programming.

It would be lovely to think we all naturally know how to be emphatic, but even if that was the case, this would need to be a learned skill from our upbringing. I'm aware this is not what you mean. I am merely pointing out that we are not born knowing how to express our empathy. Some humans will not develop that ability. I do agree that it is a natural human emotion.

If you read the first post OP also states that the bereaved person "She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support " this is clearly something Op and friends have been happy to provide. However, this doesn't paint an image of it only having been mentioned once. And as I said in another post. Op likes her bereaved colleague she does not like the 24 year old calling her a knobhead. We are not getting an unbiased assessment of the situation.

Due to this, a lot of what is coming across as empathy here may well be sympathy.

We simply won't know until we hear what the 24 year olds view is, and we are unlikely to get this.

and you know this for a fact? Or do you assume it because she’s 24? Because I can assure you many people at 24 are more than aware of huge life events.

Not at all! Every workplace I've even worked in has done this and had an understanding of employees needs in big life events. It's pretty normal. Obviously it wouldn't be announced in a huge company meeting or over Zoom or whatever but a staff team meeting

I can see the point the younger colleague is making. Not very well at all but the idea of boundaries is definitely something I think needs to be remembered. And I don't think we should have to book a slot in 3 days time to be bereaved. Life doesn't work like that.
But more so that if the colleague needs support and you can't emotionally offer it asking another colleague to step in at the time.

However - I would be tempted to make sure everyone tells younger colleague they don't have the headspace to listen to any sort of whinge (even about the amount of staples available!) and offer to help them next week with it.

Somethings tells me this person needs to see the effect of their actions to find a suitable balance in their views.

Who's the 'we' so you and other colleagues are taking time to discuss this younger colleague? If you're doing it in as such an obvious disparaging and with such an clear dislike of her, I'd be cautious you're not veering into bullying -although it sounds like you are already.
I'm still confused as to how there's only been a brief mention in a meeting, no ones said anything to 24 yo, she's not been approached at all, yet she seems to know exactly what's going on for the other woman and what's been happening?

Your younger colleague has made a mistake. Clearly you work in an environment where support and empathy are part of the culture, hence the announcement, the behaviour of the majority, the fact that colleagues are also 'friends' and the tolerance of management of the support. Many work places would deliberately promote this culture as it has a number of benefits that actually assist rather than impede productivity.
Whether people on here think its appropriate or not is neither here nor there, they are not responsible for setting and maintaining the culture.
The likely outcome of your colleagues error (cruel, selfish or otherwise) is that she will be judged and frowned upon. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and imagining it as a misjudgement based on lack of emotional intelligence, if you want to help her, you may want to have a word.
Explain the culture she is working within and that she has upset her colleague. Explain that it's inappropriate for her to speak 'on behalf' of others when it's her own opinion. Point out the appropriate channels for raising issues.
This has the potential to result in this woman's exclusion as I'm sure there's a great deal of disapproval being voiced about her. We can all get it wrong, and a supportive office should support everyone.

But that’s just your opinion. That doesn’t make you right. You can’t be a support to others if your own mental health isn’t in a place to do it. Not without running the risk of making yourself ill.
you have clearly made up your mind that young colleague is just a twat, so I’m not sure what you hoped to gain from this post.
just because YOU feel bereaved colleague is handling things perfectly in the work place and isn’t relying on anyone too much etc, doesn’t make that a fact. It doesn’t mean that other colleagues haven’t mentioned to young colleague they feel overwhelmed with supporting bereaved colleague. It doesn’t mean young colleague hasn’t heard bereaved colleague talking about it and feels triggered because she has her own grief to deal with. You just don’t know.

This is a good point too. Even if she’s made a total error in judgement, she also deserves support.

No. Some things do not ‘trump’ that. If you don’t have the bandwidth to be supportive when someone’s ‘having a little cry’ at work, that is 100% ok.

The young colleague can only speak for himself.

He should have run his lecture by someone else before saying this directly to the bereaved colleague. It sounds insensitive to me.

Oh, I’ve never experienced this. But then again I do work in the NHS so staff meetings are normally summarised by “we’re understaffed, good luck” 😂

Read it again then think about what you posted.

And OP, just in case it is you that has been bereaved then you have my thoughts and sympathies. It’s an awful thing to happen to anyone.

It’s not wrong. It’s wrong in YOUR opinion. For other people being asked ‘is it ok to talk about this?’ and not just assuming other people are able to deal with it at that point in time. No one is saying you have to be as clinical as ‘I have time next Wednesday’ but ‘I don’t right now, but come and see me later and we’ll talk’ is much easier to say when you are ASKED if you can talk right now.
Or are even willing- and it IS ok to be unwilling to discuss bereavement with work colleagues, as much as you think it’s not. From a personal perspective, I’ve lost both my parents and a sibling in the last year and a half. I’ve also got some scary health issues going on. I do not have the emotional bandwidth or ability to be supportive of someone else’s grief. And you don’t know that others aren’t in that position, they may have kept it quiet. I haven’t brought it up at my work place as I don’t want it brought to work.

I agree with @chipsandpeas and what is going on with all the posts in the 're-educate' yourself or admonishment tones these days!

The bereaved colleague is talking to people she considers to be her friends, not just random colleagues.
I think 24 year old should mind their own business (assuming they are not being asked for support)!

The trouble with the 'be kind' and 'boundaries' type people is that they want all the kindness and boundaries to flow their way but don't ever want to direct that kindness towards other people.

Counselling can't fix everything and sometimes people just need their real life friends, so I agree with pp that we can't and shouldn't try to outsource basic caring for other people.

Very big Gen Z energy

@ImAvingOops
The bereaved colleague is talking to people she considers to be her friends, not just random colleagues.
I think 24 year old should mind their own business (assuming they are not being asked for support)!
As keeps being said, so how does 24 yo know she's doing this, they don't work together op has said, so 24yo won't have been in the team meeting this was discussed at, op says bereaved colleague hasn't spoken about it, so how does the 24 yo know so much?

It's an office - people talk about other people. That doesn't mean the bereaved colleague is talking directly to the 24 year old about it.
The woman has undergone a huge trauma - it's unrealistic to expect her to keep that completely away from her work life. Grief hits you at random moments. And she can't stay home forever either, since she still needs to earn money.

Op is keen to ensure that her bereaved friend is supported.

However, it cant both be. It isn't filtering into the office and she has a little cry at work. Even if this.little cry is in a office if there is a window in there and people walk by they will be aware that someone is crying. This will affect the office environment. Op doesn't mind this and is happy to give this support. 24 year old appears to find this harder.

I too agree with @MichelleScarn And @chipsandpeas

If the 24 year old worded it like stated I feel the wording is clumsy. I do not feel the sentiment behind poor it is a fair request especially if tbey struggle with seeing it in the office environment. To me it says a lot that op called her a knobhead.

I am saddened by how many here shows sympathy (proclaiming it empathy) for the bereaved colleague yet are willing to tear down the 24 year old colleague having no idea what is occurring for them.

I'm really baffled by the tone on here too - we haven't all been bullying the younger colleague. I'm not lying or misrepresenting our workplace.

MY best friend works in the NHS so I am sure would recognise your workplace @MommasTired :)

I would tell the tik toker that I get easily triggered by lack of empathy and if she doesn't mind keeping her unemphatic views to herself.

It was discussed in a team meeting no conspiracy theories. The 24 year old might of thought it was unprofessional to bring up in a team meeting and she was voicing her feelings in a polite way. Answer other colleagues

Sent to soon answer this why are her other colleagues being nice to her?????

crochetmonkey74 don't worry about it they weren't there. They want to paint a bereaved woman as the bully and the 24 year old as the victim. Crazy 🤪