unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Sorry just catching up. To those saying she shouldn't be at work, how is she meant to earn money? Also work is helping with structure and routine. She's also not an imposition or in a break area.
Some interesting points about the young colleagues experience, will take that on board. It isn't humane though to make someone feel like they are a burden at a time when they need to feel supported

The colleague isn't part of anything though. She isn't talking to the bereaved person. She's not a friend. This is no business of hers.

No, young colleague has suggested that it would be correct behaviour for bereaved colleague to request permission before mentioning grief to anyone. That's not setting her own boundaries.

I think it is perfectly fine to not have capacity and remove yourself but I also think that some things do trump that.

This is very contradictory. I don’t like the idea that this person’s grief must take precedence over her colleagues’ ability to hear it. It’s a work environment and this sounds really inappropriate, honestly.

(I cut off contact with my parents in my 30s and couldn’t get any leave for it because there’s no ‘bereavement’. My team still does not know and I managed to get through it without creating this sort of environment.)

Some people have no resilience they are sensitive to anything and then people around them have to walk on egg shells. Everyone within reason has a right to express themselves. If she feels triggered that's her business nothing to do with the ops friend. The young woman can't manage other people to how she wants them to behave that's controlling. She can say she is not interested that's her right but to tell someone she knows very little about what to do is not constructive.

@crochetmonkey74 how does young colleague know about what bereaved colleague has been talking about as she's only been talking to her direct friends?

Yes hes a knob, age and personal perspective on this one might help him see it differently in time.

That is a good question.

The bereavement was mentioned in a staff meeting , comment advice seems unsolicited

To hear it in a meeting and her manager probably thought it was important for her colleagues to know. I had the same relationship with my parents it was very distant until they died. I don't have it in me to tell someone else how to deal with grief. I wouldn't get upset about it if it's at work or on holiday and someone talked about their bereavement.

You’re comparing estranging your parents voluntarily with losing both much loved parents forever? This place never fails to astonish me - and not in a good way.

Reading this though, I'd have said exactly that but from the other side. It's a workplace. If the colleague is so distressed that the upset is regularly part of the working day then maybe it would be healthier to take some time off.

Are you 100% sure the 24 year old is ok and not dealing with something themselves? They've got a point too. Not everyone tells even friends about all the upset in their lives - supporting someone else might be the one thing that tips them over the edge.

What? Why would you deduce he's an incel?

And the young colleague hasdecided how she wants to respond - she knows she isn’t able to take on other peoples feelings whilst she is at her workplace and asked older colleague to respect that

OPs posts say she has taken it on herself to set boundaries for other colleagues though. The bereaved colleague hasn't actually been talking to or leaning on the young colleague.

The op said that she hasn't gone to her to talk about it. It was brought up in the meeting. The quiet ones are the worse with all their skeletons locked away. I think the young women needs someone to talk to such as a counselor. It's not healthy bottling it up because it always comes out in the most ugliest and traumatic way.

She made a suggestion - presumably based on her own feelings or on something someone else has said to her.

She’s hardly forcing other colleagues not to talk to the grieving colleague.

She’s hardly forcing other colleagues not to talk to the grieving colleague

No, she's shaming a grieving woman into not talking to them instead. And it's not even any of her business.

Ops friend has to go to work to pay the bills interest rates has gone up again today. Days after the coronation so everyone had a jolly and now you have to pay for it.

I'm not sure I'd call this 'unbelievably selfish and cruel'. I can see it from his view. I think he's basically saying that your friend is talking a lot about her grief and 'trauma dumping'. Whilst I have every sympathy for her, it's really personal and not something everyone wants to listen to....or over hear day in day out. Very worked with people who talk about their sex life or tell you how awful their OH/MIL is, in an emotional way.
I think the phrasing he's suggested is a little unessesary as I'd imagine within a close group of colleagues you all know who's open to some 'person' talk....however this is work, and you should be mindful that others can overhere the conversations. He's right too that these strong emotions could be triggering for others. As a one off or maybe 'two or three' off its OK but if its still going on and there's daily chats about bereavement perhaps he has a point.

Why does everyone keep saying "he" for the colleague when the OP has repeatedly said she?
Shows how much attention people pay to actual posts I suppose.

Perhaps she does, perhaps she doesn’t, but ‘keeping skeletons locked away’ isn’t inherently unhealthy tbh. Some people are naturally more reserved and quiet when it comes to grief, and shouldn’t be expected to perform it to suit the belief of others that there’s some one-size-fits-all way to deal with something healthily. Mental health is very individual, and being private is not in itself indicative of a problem.

JudgeRudy Read the whole thread and see if you hold the same opinion. The op has explained a bit more.

We've got absolutely no evidence beyond speculation that Ms Pushy has any sort of trauma in her life. And if she does and she's dealing with it by policing other people's interactions then yes it is an issue.

So young colleagues had no involvement or knowledge other than being informed at a staff meeting of the bereavement?
That's an extreme reaction. What were they told at the staff meeting?

I agree with pp in that this situation is nuanced. The 24 year olds delivery might well have been off and perhaps she should have asked a manager to handle it if they had genuine concerns people were being overwhelmed. BUT..as someone who spent their childhood, 20s and much of my 30s being trauma dumped by friends, strangers and colleagues and family I totally get it.

Many of us don’t get the same support we have given out over the years and it can make you a bit jaded and wary of listening to trauma from people you’re not close to. Some are also really sensitive to environments and perhaps these interactions to comfort the bureaved colleagues are not as discreet or subtle as you think and it’s affecting the atmosphere in the office. The 24 year old may have a partner or friend who is currently going through a lot and offloading onto her and she wants the office to be a bit of a break from that?

As someone who worked with children in care I also totally agree you don’t know what her life has been like up until now. Youth doesn’t mean a life of no troubles.

re. Estrangement and bureavement being different - yes BUT both are things the adult child may grieve over. Sometimes people aren’t left with much of a choice about going no contact as their family is so abusive. And arguably that can be at least as sad as losing a parent to death who was actually good to you.