unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

It's also the TikTok lingo that is so banal - I mean I get what "trauma dumping" because I just googled it and there is an article in Stylist and a million derivative blogs generated to drive traffic to counselling sites, but is it actually a term that is used by psychotherapists and other professionals outside of the internet?

Same with "holding space" and "not having capacity". It all comes across as so inauthentic and detached and lacking in genuine human feeling.

Sometimes you do just have to be gentle with people. And that may have to happen at work. Frankly it scares me that such robotic people might be looking after me one day (actually give me a robot.)

It isn't a new culture though.
In the past people didn't grieve so publicly or talk about their illness,divorces, worries.
It was dealt with privately or with close family.
There was a mourning period and people had time and space to recover.

The new culture is disclosing everything to anyone which is totally draining and so people have to protect their own MH.

The new culture is disclosing everything to anyone which is totally draining and so people have to protect their own MH.

I imagine having both your parents dead within four weeks is "totally draining" too.

Being kind to others is actually good for your mental health. If people weren't so fixated on "protecting" themselves they might actually realise there's "capacity" within them after all.

I agree with the 24 year old. At the end of the day it isn't their problem and you have absolutely no idea how tiring, draining or uncomfortable they find the other colleagues trauma dumping.
I'd question if they should be back at work if they cannot remain professional. Having healthy boundaries and not bending over backwards to accomodate others is the best approach. I have a friend with poor mental health, I used to try support her and talk her through it. It mever actually helped. I don't any more, I just stop speaking to her if shes having a episode because I honestly don't have the energy for it and I have to preserve my own sanity.
I'd rather be considered rude than have to be subjected to somebody else's problems.

If you read what I wrote earlier you will see I've had several bereavements in a short period of time.
I go to work to work and switch off from it and don't want to hear about everyone else's problems.

How is one person's issues more important than another's MH?

But the OP has said from the start that this colleague isn't doing that. Her colleagues are quietly supporting her and she is behaving appropriately, but obviously upset.

The 24 year old has apparently micromanaged her behaviour and given her a weird little speech to recite to avoid "triggering."

Most of us have suffered some traumatic bereavements. But triggers or whatever you want to call them can be dealt with without compelling everyone else's speech or micromanaging their behaviour, particularly not someone already having a really hard time.

Arghhh this GENXYZ shite grinds my gears! 🙄

Some PEOPLE can be utter twats. Completely regardless of age.

I knew I'd heard it somewhere!!

Get a grip of yourself honestly you sound antisocial enjoy lock down did you?

How fortunate you are to be able to do that. I couldn’t.

The colleague didn't make it her problem she should mind her own business if she don't want to talk about it. As the op said colleagues have been visiting her maybe she is blaming her for the attention she is getting.

Excuse me?
Get a grip of myself?
Can you read?
I've lost both parents and a dear friend in a year.

#BeKind has suddenly left the building I see.

You should understand compassion and empathy everyone grieves differently and it's not for you to judge. By the way I lost both parents too and so did my partner we both grieved in different ways. I wouldn't judge a colleague if they wanted to talk about it or if they shut off.

I'm not judging.
I'm saying that personally, given what I am going through I'm not able to also cope with someone else's issues.
Particularly in the work environment.
Not antisocial, not judging, just trying to get through each day .
Compassion/ empathy is not telling someone who is grieving to get a grip either is it?

Younger colleague, telling her that every time she wants to talk to anyone about her bereavement, she has to announce it and ask their permission is so many types of wrong that I cannot understand how anyone is defending it.

Your poor colleague/friend. I can't begin to understand her pain. I'm glad she has you all to support her.

The younger colleague is indeed being a twat. I have a daughter who is around this age and often comes out with stuff like this that makes her family go 🙄😳😬. We were all probably as annoying and self absorbed at that age, it's just that hindsight has a good pair of rose tinted specs.

Then mind your own business don't listen or get involved.

Well yeah, otherwise we'd have more people suffering PTSD, you know, like many soldiers do? Not sure what your point is

Asking people who are in need to make sure they aren't an imposition is grim.

How will young colleague cope with the endless demands of babies and children? I have one or two friends who were brought up to feel like they shouldn't distress those around them by showing emotional needs. It has been very bad for them.

People around us have needs. We can decide how to respond to those needs. We can't stop others having or expressing them.

I think OP is right to see colleague's suggestion as a terrible way to relate to others.

Hope your colleague is okay. What an awful thing to go through. I hope she gets the support she needs and understanding from others.

Well that's exactly what I said upthread but you called me antisocial and told me to get a grip.
Perhaps put the wine down?

Sounds to me like someone has made a complaint to this young person and perhaps they are (maybe not in the best possible way they could have I admit!) trying to act on that persons behalf

You shouldn't need therapy for normal grief.

Grief counselling is usually after a period of time if you're stuck in your grief which is usually down to aggravating factors such as guilt, anger, helplessness, depression.

And you don't need training to show some empathy. It's just a natural human response for most people. It sounds to me like most of the colleagues are providing exactly what the bereaved person needs. It's only one person that seems to have a problem with it and are making it about them.

I work in the area too.

Your comment about "Possibly, though if someone experiences hearing someone else's grief as "dumping" it more often than not reveals something about them, not the person expressing grief." did not to me suggest you have any knowledge on the subject, If you genuinely know a lot about trauma then you will not be unfamiliar with how difficult it can be for people to express their discomfort around how others express their trauma.

I disagreed with your comment on it not being dumping. It can most certainly be felt like that by others. If you genuinely work within trauma you would know this.

Considering the fact all we have here is ops very obvious bias. We simply can not know what is occurring for the 24-year-old. Who may or may not be experiencing trauma of their own.

I actually agree with the younger colleague, no one knows what trauma she may have been through or the people around her. It sounds awful what the other colleague has been through but also sounds like she should be off work to process her emotions. Crying in a break area is obviously going to impact other staff whether they are being ‘discreet’ or not.

And the young colleague has decided how she wants to respond - she knows she isn’t able to take on other peoples feelings whilst she is at her workplace and asked older colleague to respect that.

One person setting boundaries does not mean the other is an imposition.