unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

It’s worth pondering that your response is far more aggressive than anything this person has said

However I haven't said it to a bereaved colleague.

The 24 year old has behaved inappropriately, it isn't their place to correct another member of staff, any issue should have been raised via a manager. It doesn't matter if anyone else complained to her it simply wasn't her place to say anything.

Well it really depends on who the other person is!
I would NEVER say that to someone I really care about. Like my family or close friends.
However... I tend to attract a lot of over sharers. Maybe because I'm too nice and good at saying the 'right thing', a lot of people offload on me after a few messages.

That tweet is silly, but you can't declare the sentiment 'cold/cruel' without further context.

These days I'm more thick skinned and just ignore.

Aside: why are people continually referring to the colleague as 'he'? OP refers to 'she' in the second post in

Plenty of people who have suffered terribly are more empathic and open to others sharing their grief, though, rather than closed off to it. Personally, I welcome people talking about bereavements like ones I've suffered, because shared experiences bring us closer and we connect with empathy.

True, I’m not sure that feeling comfortable saying it about a stranger knowing nothing about any of their reasoning is much better tbh. With the benefit of an outsiders perspective why feel the need to be as wound up as the OP over it (who incidentally is also outraged by association)?

I’m also not sure many would be happy with the kind of drama the OP seems on the edge of creating on their behalf.

Jesus Christ are people really this inhuman!

A fucking traffic light system!

What has happened that people are so incapable of handling normal human life and interactions that they would actual think this is a good idea!? What has gone wrong in our society?!

Living with humans is not about escaping the discomfort of human interaction. Most people are uncomfortable about dealing with other’s grief and pain but we either find ways to push through that to support each other, or more caringly and gently moving withdrawing if we can not give more attentive support for whatever reason.

The cold application of managerial devices to human connection and relationships is not to encouraged.

Not many workplaces are willing to give much sick leave, though. Most people I know who have suffered such bereavements would need many months or years and some have had workplaces willing to give that, most don't.

Yes it’s called being human. Grief seems insurmountable and intolerable, especially at first, and yet it is, and always has been, mostly dealt with by being among other humans who treat you humanely

@Cornettoninja Weird take. What I said is hardly out there by MN standards and the person is question is presumably blissfully unaware.

Perhaps report my comment though if you find it so wildly offensive that it bears repeated response.

Why are so many posters calling young colleague he ?
She is a woman

That’s fine for you, but it’s not a template you can enforce on others.

I’ve already shared that I am currently grieving a very recent loss and have experienced other losses through the years that have been traumatic. I have no desire to trauma bond with anyone through shared grief, I want to let my own wounds heal and look to the rest of my world.

I wouldn't have said that, but I would probably have wished to be left out of it, honestly. I can offer a sympathetic ear when necessary, but if I'm not close to someone (and even if I am), I have limits to how much I can hear before it starts to make me feel depressed and preys on my mind. If it's too frequent, I try to avoid the person, change the subject, etc., and I don't even care if that's selfish.

If the bereaved colleague wasn't seeking people out or cornering them, that's different, of course. The 24-yo shouldn't have taken it upon himself to speak for the whole group, in any event.

@FrostyFifi you quoted me specifically so I replied. Pretty standard communication convention.

I specifically dislike a load of people lining up to spew venom about a person they have no idea about. It’s a forum and commenting on others thoughts is fair game.

If I was offended I would report you but I’m not, I was just struck by the level of hate for a complete stranger from a third hand account this thread has generated.

Hate? That's some projection. I think their behavour is twatty and immature as described and that is what my post expressed.

I know a lot about trauma as I work in that area. I think the term "dumping" is simplifying it.

I've not forced any template on others. I'm just pointing out that some, many, people find connection with others useful in grief and some, many, people who have suffered grief are more than willing to listen, empathise and connect in that way. (Trauma bonding isn't what I had in mind, though of course it's something to be aware of.)

Also has anyone actually thought that maybe the bereaved colleague doesn't actually want people treating her differently and reminding her of her problems during the hours that she's out of the house and probably more able to put her grief to one side? Maybe all those people who keep offering her cups or tea and a chance for a chat are making thinfs worse for her. Maybe she'd rather have a few hours off from tears?

You have said she is in an awful state and people are flocking around her. I am not sure she is just having a sniffle with friends in her office as you now say.

What the colleague said actually sounds like something a therapist might have told them to help them in setting boundaries. If grieving colleague is very private, I am not even sure how this other colleague would know the context to make the statements they did. How would this colleague have any idea what she was or wasn't saying to friends in private in her office?

Yes but you handled it yourself, you removed yourself from her rather than expecting her to change her behaviour. Which is what a normal balanced adult would do. And you have every right to be angry about it. Its this trend of making your own sensitivities someone else's problem or fault that I would have issue with.

Could be jealousy on the part of young colleague rather than cruelty? Definitely nasty. They’re discrediting your bereaved colleague by completely misrepresenting their behaviour as if they’re being needy and disruptive when they’re not. Couched as helpful virtue signalling.

Why would they do this? Jealous of the attention and human concern and warmth that is naturally flowing towards your well liked colleague is a possibility.

I disagree. This person should be able to go to work without needing to listen to the pain and suffering of others on the team. One should be able to take their breaks inside and not need to stand outside in the cold. That isn't what normal balanced adults do - that is what people in tosic workplaces do to keep their sanity.

The smug arrogance of these baby TokTok philosophers.

I think it's more of a phobia about illness and death which afflicts some young people. Me included back in the day. Except I didn't have the gall to chide people for grieving.

This young woman will probably get counselling now after such an ordeal. Sigh.

This new culture is very disempowering for anyone who feels easily shamed and worries about putting people out. I would have been devastated if someone had spoken to me like that. It feels like people are very quick to accuse other people of being triggering, insensitive etc