unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Sorry if someone has already posted this but there was a tweet on Twitter about 4 years ago suggesting this kind of thing made you a considerate friend.

Here’s an article about it in Vice: https://i-d.vice.com/en/article/pa757k/is-this-tweet-about-emotional-labour-sociopathic-or-just-self-care.

I personally find the tone discomforting , but there were a lot of strong feelings for and against the original tweet.

Actually I can see the colleague's point of view. In my department I've got colleagues with all sorts of issues at the moment - parents battling cancer, infertility, disabled children, unexpected divorce... it is exhausting and draining to be constantly be the sounding board. I have a lot going on too and have to try and look after myself too, and my family, as well as supporting everyone else at work with their difficult times. The intensity can be suffocating at times and if it's in the workplace there is sometimes no escape from these conversations. Sometimes boundaries need to be drawn for self-protection. I think this is fine as long as said sensitively and politely.

the fact that the colleague felt the need to say something could very well mean that someone has complained to her about it, or that it’s having more impact on everyone than OP acknowledges.

I know your colleague took it one stage further by suggesting your bereaved colleague should actually ask. So it seems like the thinking has evolved. The language used is so cold and academic and transactional seeming.

They can. But a 24yo is no way a millennial. I'm a millennial, I'm almost 40!

24 year old obvs doesn’t have the emotional maturity but should really just keep out of it. They are creating an issue where there isn’t one

No, it's not as simplistic as that. It's actually a quite complex area of human interaction. However, I suspect that's not what you want to hear.

If you are genuinely interested, read up on trauma dumping.

Considering the title of this thread, we know what side the op is on. All I have said is that there can be wider perspectives.

I don't know why people presume a 24 year old doesn't understand grief. Asking to reduce the impact implies the exact opposite. My friend's daughter is 25 and her older sister died 15 years ago, yet she is still very sensitive about it, because her sister is still gone and always will be.

As I said earlier, just pass it along to HR and let them calm everyone down. Pop out for lunch or out for a drink after work to spend the extra time with your friend. One or another of you reminding her of her grief every hour during the working day probably isn't as useful as it feels.

I think the younger colleague was inappropriate to say it how she did but there is a grain of truth in what she said.

During covid I had a colleague whose dad was in ITU and she sat in the staffroom talking constantly about his recovery, complaining that a celebrity had refused to do a video message for him, when he was going home etc. My dad had died very suddenly a couple of weeks before and I found it so hard having to hear about it constantly. I ended up spending my breaks outside in the freezing cold just so I didn’t scream at her about how lucky she was to still have her dad.

Her colleague is being insensitive with her advice 'I will book you next week for that bereavement chat'. I have never heard of this before honestly I wonder if she would think the same if she lost someone close. She would expect empathy and understanding not the cold shoulder.

I would definitely make a complaint to HR about this colleague and ask them to have a word with her. She may having underlying issues herself that she hasn't dealt with.

Not necessarily.

I'm in a small workplace, and when I had a bereavement of someone close to me I chose not to tell anyone. I'm friendly with a number of the people there and see them out of work etc.
I have chosen not to tell them because firstly I didn't actually want to talk about it because I would get upset, and secondly because there's someone who would use it to be fakely concerned and make it about them-and tell everyone else, taking it out of my control.

I know no one knew because it was over 3 years ago now and when I mentioned it fairly recently, the reaction in the room was clear that no one knew.
I was now ready for people to know, because only now could I speak about it without being visibly upset. That meant I could tell them on my terms, and move on quickly, which they did. I have some great colleagues. and some not so great ones 🤣

I think they took it too far but how is it cruel? You go to work to work and you get to know people and offer support but not in a way like you’d accept from friends family outside of work.

When I returned from maternity leave I was really struggling, was about to move house, had to adapt to my new job and having two young children who needed so much from me, on very little sleep etc. One colleague was going through a very painful divorce, I felt so sorry for her and listened to her when I could. However, the crying, the talking through everything again and again drained me! I was barely surviving at work as it was, I had nothing left to give! I don’t think work colleagues have to automatically be there for each other’s personal issues.

I'd definitely be complaining to HR if she's just stuck her beak in unsolicited, it's got absolutely nothing to do with her and she's acted extremely inappropriately. She needs to leave her nonsense shallow tumblr therapy crap at home.

I hope whoever is HR in this company is as balanced as you.

It’s worth pondering that your response is far more aggressive than anything this person has said.

Everyone grief's differently you felt angry she felt upset and most probably scared.

The colleague didn’t say that, though. That’s the OP’s take on what he or she may have meant.

Agreed

OP, you sound lovely.

Your poor colleague has returned to work, as people often have to, and after loosing both parents in such a time frame, you are trying to be sensitive to her, and those fondest of her are being especially kind where she works.

I think its really lovely.

Of course a good colleague would go in and commiserate as they try on concentrate on work.
Not easy after a bereavement, not to mind two.

I think the 24 year old, (who is uninvolved with this grieving colleague, who is upset in the privacy of her own office)...... is a rude CF and I would be very, very tempted to pull her aside and tell her that her callous unasked for opinion has triggered YOU.

Oh and I absolutely would cross her off.

She needs slapping down firmly, I would be tempted to have a word with HR.

Talk about an empathy bypass.🙄

Some people think the whole world revolves around them.

Not everyone can afford to take 6 months off to grieve.

Some people have absolutely no choice but to go back to work and try and carry on as best they can.

Sounds like what the young colleague really wanted to say was "I feel uncomfortable with seeing people having difficult feelings, so can you stop sharing your grief with others at work so that I can feel more comfortable."

But they know that's a pretty twatty thing to say, so instead have acted as a concern troll and tried to make out like the bereaved colleague is being inappropriate, despite the people she's supposedly being inappropriate to not being upset by her at all.

If the younger colleague wanted to set a boundary around their own capacity, they could say "Please don't talk to me about your parents' death, I don't have the ability to be there for you." Instead they have tried to control the older colleague's behaviour by projecting their own discomfort onto everyone else.

Succinct and on point.

I think your younger colleague is within their right to say you don’t have the capacity to take it on. Probably a much gentler way of doing it would have been more appropriate though.

Grief is incredibly painful, I hope your colleague is ok and was given some time off to process it all

That was my hunch too. Is why I said I don't think this is a simple situation.

It's a tough situation for everyone concerned.

The bereaved colleague may now be feeling that she can't talk about how she's feeling, and the last things she needs on top of her loss is to feel guilty or that she is burdening others.

The other colleagues may feel weighed down, which is incredibly hard to support someone else when going through upsetting times ourselves.
Again they feel guilty for not having the capacity to take on someone else's load.

It's not anyone's fault.
It just means that we all deal with the shit life throws at us alone because we feel to afraid to burden anyone else with it.