unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

I don't think it's an issue of the colleague being only 24. The person I know who talks about being triggered a lot is middle-aged. It's personality, not age.

Exactly!
And the OP isn't an unreliable narrator, she's made it extremely clear how she feels, in the title of the thread, and calling the other 'knobhead colleague'.

I don’t think think anyone should be in work if they can’t control the things they do or say though. Grief isn’t really an excuse to act unreasonably in a professional setting. Obviously there are different degrees and sometimes people should be cut slack, we’re all human.
But if as you say someone’s grief is so severe that they aren’t able to manage how they express it then they should be on sick leave.

I can imagine this being the case - the colleagues around the bereaved woman could be creating a weird vibe.

@Cornettoninja

" Deriding ‘triggers’ is pretty nasty, even the news gives warning of images or reports people might find distressing and has done for decades because it’s a recognised harm. "

They also give trigger warnings before they show The Waltons and Little House, so there's that!
and people wonder why there are so many relatively young people complaining of anxiety, thank heavens none of them work in industries where deaths occur in front of colleagues, eh?

The irony is that this sort of ‘advise’ about boundaries and triggering (from the younger colleague) is not only patronising but the kind of thing that can really compound someone’s grief. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down.

Why can’t people just be kind? It shouldn’t be difficult. Honestly, what’s the world coming to when this nonsense boundaries talk is more important than just showing a bit of plain and simple compassion? It’s complete arrogance and stupidity and I think this person will look back on it one day and feel an awful lot of regret that they ever uttered the advice.

We can’t all relate to someone else’s experience but we can listen and sympathise.

Sometimes someone else’s circumstances will upset us but we should consider our own natural reactions, understand why we have them and try our best to sympathise with the other person.

That is what being an adult human being is.

Agree, op and other posters so keen to show how wonderful and compassionate they are by calling this woman a 'know head' 'happily stab her' 'selfish' etc.. again as pp have asked, how does the 24 yo know all about this, if the bereaved person is only talking about it to certain people in private?

and people wonder why there are so many relatively young people complaining of anxiety, thank heavens none of them work in industries where deaths occur in front of colleagues, eh?

well yes? I’m not sure why you’re making a point out of the fact that there are people who can’t or don’t work in environments that, by their nature, people can find distressing. We’re not assigned jobs so there’s no requirement to do anything like that.

I’m perfectly happy to mop up blood, puss, piss and shite or deal with a fit, choking or death (previous life as a carer) but you couldn’t pay me enough to sit in a room counselling through peoples trauma day after day. I just couldn’t do it, for my own sake. There are people that can and good on them.

This isn't turning out to be as clear-cut as your headline suggests you thought it'd be, is it, OP?

But surely in that situation the response has to be along the lines of "I'm really sorry, X, but I've just got some very difficult stuff going on at the moment and I don't think I can support you. Have you tried talking to Cruse/your doctor/etc?" Just because one person has some difficulty dealing with this, it doesn't mean that they can dictate how the bereaved person interacts with all their other colleagues.

My only concern with what you say is that you do not know this. She may have lost a sibling or other relative relatively recently. Not everyone wants to talk about these things. Even a grandparent. You just don’t know . It may we
l be genu8nely upsetting to see all these people gathering to support your colleagues while no one knows about her situation becuase she finds it so very hard to talk about.

On the other hand she could just be a snowflake….but point is you don’t know for sure

could it be possible for one of you to take her aside and just ask her why she is having problems dealing with your bereaved colleague. She might not want to respond, but there again she may explain a bit more and give someone a chance to explain this is your friend as well as colleague and you would want to be treated the same way.

for those saying she needs to take time off: many companies will only offer 1 day plus funeral for parental loss . With funeral, probably needing to sort through house stuff, deal with probate she probably can ill afford to take days off when she’s struggling emotionally - that’s the crap world we live in. Only solution would be to get signed off sick with stress .

It's very easy to find out if someone in your workplace's spouse, parent(s) or child has died if you have had any interaction with them. How it is dealt with depends on the organisation's culture and the person themselves.

the bereavements have been made public its everything else thats apparently happened in private, but its that private everyone knows about that as well

I’m half expecting for this thread to be deleted “for being outing” to be honest.

And maybe it should be - the ageism (and actually sexism) is rife.

There are no millennials born after 1996 (the clue is in the name) but sure, turn this in to some unnecessary millennial bashing 🙄

I agree we should have better mental health support at work, but I also don’t see why we have to medicalise what is actually a very ‘normal’ response to something that happens to all of us.

It is completely appropriate for people to seek comfort from their ‘community’ and yes, that includes workplaces. Most well adjusted adults also value being able to help others in need - it is a very human response hard wired into us through evolution. Human beings thrived through being part of a tribe.

the idea that we should all to packed off to see ‘specialists’ to deal with this is ridiculous ( and expensive- the NHS is pretty skint)

especially since most of the ‘specialists’ will only recommend talking to friends, doing things you enjoy, looking after yourself etc. as a way of combating grief or mild to moderate depression.

I’m a millennial and I’m in my early
forties

I was born right at the start of the era but still… I think a lot of people are just too lazy to take the time to understand their own prejudices.

I lost my mother, who I was incredibly close to, several years ago. I was with them when they had their stroke, most of the time they were in hospital and when they died at 2am two days later.

I took 2 weeks off, including my bereavement leave, then went back to work. I only cried when people sought me out to give their condolences and when I received flowers from them. I like to think that I acted appropriately and definitely carried my work out satisfactorily, I had to as I was left in charge (only qualified nurse on shift) of the small hospital I worked in, from my first shift back.

I would have felt absolutely awful (and quite frankly disgusted) if someone had came up to me and said to me that I should say “" I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before I spoke to anyone “in case they found it triggering!” Plus, I would be even more upset if a colleague had said to me "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.." Honestly, who would actually say these things?

People generally know their colleagues, especially any they would want to talk to in this situation, and just wouldn’t walk up to a random colleague to discuss their bereavement. I didn’t overshare and definitely wouldn’t go up to someone, like the younger colleague described, looking for support! I do think he is definitely being quite cruel and appalling by suggesting this! Just wonder what planet he is on?

I was thinking the same thing, it's infuriating.

Op judging from the reaction of a lot of posters here this would seem a common way to deal with people. I personally think it's disgusting and I'm so glad I don't have anyone in my life that would behave this way towards another human being.
Someone said the professionally offended and that's exactly what this is, it's embarrassing that anyone thinks this is an acceptable way to behave, but we now live in a selfish entitled society so I guess we can't be so surprised.

Equally, some perfectly well adjusted human beings are happy to offer sympathy, but also want to be able to focus on work when they’re at work. A colleague that you’re friendly with isn’t necessarily a friend, or able/willing to be a sounding board.

What type of support would you expect in the workplace though?

It would be "Sorry for your loss", a card, some flowers from colleagues.
Not sitting every break listening to someone talk about their grief ?
If the person is crying throughout the day in the workplace they do need extra support and time off

Fortunately I work in an organisation where the majority of stuff genuinely care about their colleagues health and well-being and look to support and ,if asked, provide guidance to those who are struggling.

If someone told me I’d had to announce and check capacity I’d be very hurt. I’m fully able to read non verbal cues about appropriateness and these colleagues are checking in with them not being sought out.

As for the 24 year old. Maybe it is evoking feelings of grief or a time when they haven’t felt supported and aren’t used to this kind of close team work environment.

When I was grieving it was my colleagues and friends who got me through it. Not the grief counsellor who frankly made it worse with her shock and need for more details of the event.

Of course not- but I expect grown adults to be able to express that they are unable to chat/help others if they’re busy with work. It happens all the time in workplaces. People make it obvious - verbally and through body language if they are busy.

All offices have distractions from time to time - but most adults can ignore them and get on with work

It also isn’t the issue here. The grieving colleague is talking to her friends who are happy to offer a lending ear.

this isn’t about someone crying at their desk all day for months on end.

And no one is saying you shouldn't do exactly that.

The OP has explained that it's people seeking the bereaved person to empathise with them, not the bereaved person weeping on anyone in sight. It's fine not to deal with other people's issues at work. Just not to tell others that they're not allowed to be compassionate to someone they choose to talk to.