I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Boiled broccoli very much has a smell.

This morning, I've read this thread, and the one about the partner who 'regresses' to being an adult baby. Ummm...

Is there something in the water? Some environmental cause of all this?

I cook broccoli 🥦 on a weekly basis and can’t say I’ve noticed a smell!

Agreed a kitchen door is crucial. It’s only me but if I visit eg my DM and the kitchen door there is open, you can definitely smell food (very nice though).

I have an autistic child with sensory processing disorder. He used to vomit at smells. Anything could be a trigger. I am a lone parent, I have to get on with things so if he doesn't like something I tell him to go upstairs or play outside. Things have improved vastly over the years, largely due to exposure!

You cannot put your child through this. It is deeply unhealthy. Your dp's behaviour is appalling and all the sacrifices are being made by you while he sits like a petulant child and tells you he "can't". I think I'd be saying to him that if he doesn't seek help for this then you will have to reconsider your future. This is so far from normal it's ridiculous.

You know when things have been going on for so long you just can't seem to see it in a normal way anymore?

We have a cat and when we argue about food (which is often at the moment), he tells me it's an absolute red line for him and he's made sacrifices for me, like having the cat?!! Or even having a child, he's thrown that in there. He'd say something like how if it was up to him he'd have opted not to have a child, but had one because he knew I wanted one. Which is a ridiculous argument. He says "I love DS deeply, but I did that for you." It's so ridiculous it leaves me speechless. That's not a reason to then not allow me to cook! But apparently, that's his sacrifice so I can make mine

Putting aside the manipulation and deep rooted issues, my DS can't just learn that cooking is putting things in the oven, right?

Do you boil it? The smell isn't so obvious, to me at least, with steamed broccoli.

You realise cooking is the least of your worries, right?

You are being minipulated and controlled by an abusive arsehole, is that what you want your ds to grow up thinking relationships look like?

Only if you massively overcook it which admittedly a lot of British do.

Right. And he can't learn that it's ok for one partner in a marriage can totally dictate the way everyone else lives over something quite so basic.

Bloody hell that's so manipulative. I'd put money on him being autistic. How you address that with an adult who refuses to help himself, I don't honestly know. It's a terrible environment for your child though.

You can’t really tell re ASD - some people very limited diets and oversensitivity to noise or smells without being on the spectrum.

It would not be unreasonable for you to end the relationship if he won't try to do this. My first husband has bipolar disorder and love him though I did, it had to come to an end. He wouldn't seek help. He has since though.

OP, that is disgusting. One of these days your child is going to hear these comments. You need to protect him.

People with ASD may have genuine issues, but they need to accept that these issues don’t have priority over the rights and needs of the people they live with and amongst. If this man wants to live WITH OP and their child, then surely their nutritional needs (and happiness) should have priority, and this man needs to accept responsibility for his issues and TRY to get some help.

He could... but then he's likely to end up with similar food issues to his father.

By 2 my DD sat in her highchair in the kitchen whilst I was cooking trying raw veg etc as I went.. my ds didn't get that experience due to work etc and I can see the difference in them now in their willingness to try different foods and to cook for themselves. There will of course be many other reasons why ds is picky and dd eats anything but I definately think it's part of it.

Your lasagne? Go for it. Get some of those little foil take away trays so that you can make a batch and freeze what you won't eat today before its cooked... then its just another freezer meal the next time you fancy it.

I had some sympathies with your partner as mental health issues are hard. BUT if he's unwilling to seek any assistance with it and simply makes up rubbish to justify holding it over you then he looses all sympathy because he is just being selfish and controlling.

What a wimp he is! I don't think I could live like this. I have honestly never met a grown man who gets the fear over food smells.

I don't think you can just put aside the manipulative behaviour. Because it's all connected isn't it? It's all some weird control/ everything on his terms situation.

And the whole I never wanted a child, I did it for you thing would tip me over the edge.

He may need treatment for anxiety/OCD to cope now with the cooking smells as it's gone on so long it's entrenched his faulty beliefs he wouldn't be able to cope with cooking smells.

I was wondering if it was more anxiety based as more accommodation I've made for relatives with anxiety tighter the leash gets while if I push back they often with time seem better.

I do get sensory issues - I have them - but you have to find ways to manage them - shutting doors when DH need background music etc.

We have a cat and when we argue about food (which is often at the moment), he tells me it's an absolute red line for him and he's made sacrifices for me, like having the cat?!! Or even having a child, he's thrown that in there.

Your update suggests none of this is happening and frankly the child argument I wouldn't be engaging with - that would be a cold look and you know where the door is - image if your child overheard this in future years.

Sadly I think you have bigger problems here - outdoor kitchen, air purifiers, living somewhere with a better layout are all ways of minimising long term impact of cooking smells on him and ones I'd expect him to engage/suggest with long before now.

Yes your son needs to know that cooking isn’t just putting things in an oven and he needs to see his parents cooking a varied range of food.

He is an adult. The fact he agreed to have a cat, and chose to have a child with you does not mean that you should not be able to cook in your own home. You do not owe him that.

I’ve read the whole thread and the responses - it’s clear there’s more to
unpack then a dislike of smells and picky eating.
I’d have left him at this. ND aside, this is an awful and deeply manipulative/controlling stance. “I did this for you therefore X”. This isn’t a sacrifice on his part, this was surely something you both discussed at length and now he’s trying to frame as him doing you some sort of favour so he gets his own way elsewhere. No.

You say he’s gotten worse through the time you’ve been together? He will continue to get worse.

Unfortunately a lot of people will not seek help for problems until they career at high speed head first into the bottom. Let him have the fucking breakdown.

oh @Bambambino1 I completely get why/how you haven't seen how bad this has got; living with someone like this you just get used to it, and it's how abusive behaviour (which this is) slowly ramps up over time without you noticing.

But now you have noticed, and to be honest, I don't think there is any point in discussing any of this with your DH any more. It's ultimatum time - get this dealt with or me and DS are out of here.

Your DH will no doubt go skywards, he'll either explode or collapse into a blubbering mess...both are just more manipulation. It's irrelevant whether he's on the spectrum or not, his behaviour and his comments are appalling, and it's all about control. I doubt he behaves like this at work, so he can clearly control his "sensitivities" when he has to...just not at home, seemingly.

I have just divorced someone who used very similar tactics (not about food, other stuff) and it took me many, many years to realise what he was doing; and then suddenly I saw it. And looking back, I saw how it developed.

I am now on my own with my son, and although it's not been easy, it feels like the sun has come out after years of living in the shadows.

Do it for you, and for your darling DS. You deserve it.

Totally agree with you!

No you can't but as somebody with an autistic child and an autistic ex-husband, I'd say there was a very good chance that this is an issue.

Nope, I can start smelling from pretty much as soon as the water boils. Only really with boiled though, barely has a smell at all to me when steamed or stir fried.