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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being mum means missing out - again!

125 replies

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:25

AIBU? My partner and I have two small children (4 year old and 5 month old). We’ve been invited to a surprise birthday party for one of our friends and initially said we would go, but now we don’t think it’s wise due to wanting the baby kept in a routine at bedtime. My partners first suggestion was that he would go and I would put the baby to bed, then get to the party later once I’d handed over to a relative to stay with the children. (Why not both arrive late and go together??!)

I thought from further conversation we were on the same page about neither of us going, however my partner told me today he’s planning on going and needs to be there early for the ‘surprise’, which means not only am I not going but I’ll be doing bedtime for both children on my own.

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 19:26

Can you leave before he does and leave him with the kids?

jc12689 · 09/05/2023 19:26

Who's party is it?

GalileoHumpkins · 09/05/2023 19:27

It's one bedtime, is it really that disruptive just to leave them both and go to the party? Is there another reason he doesn't want you to go?

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 19:28

Being mum means missing out - again!

Nope, this has everything to do with your partner and nothing to do with being a mum.

shivawn · 09/05/2023 19:28

For the sake of one night I wouldn't worry too much about sticking rigidly to baby's routine. I have an 18 month old and I've made the mistake of missing out on stuff because I was obsessing over his sleep and his routine. I've relaxed a lot since then. It's one night, it'll be fine, go enjoy yourself with your husband.

Original poster
Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:28

😂 I like your thinking! It would be tempting but I hate going to things on my own and its
more his friends than mine

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 09/05/2023 19:29

What do you want to happen?

Outoftheupsidedown · 09/05/2023 19:29

It’s one bedtime!

Stopsnowing · 09/05/2023 19:29

Either he does bedtime or you do or the sitter does or you take the kids. No need for you to both miss out.

TeenDivided · 09/05/2023 19:29

More his friend - he goes.
Another time, with your friend, you go.

Whichnumbers · 09/05/2023 19:29

If you don't want to leave baby with a sitter to do the bedtime routine - then you'll miss out - but that doesn't mean you dp should miss out due to your choices

SeasonFinale · 09/05/2023 19:30

Why can't the relative who will takenover just come earlier and do bedtime too?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/05/2023 19:30

If it was his friend, I’d stay home and expect the same courtesy from him if it was my friend.

One night off the routine won’t cause any issues though, you could get a sitter.

Anoisagusaris · 09/05/2023 19:30

It’s his friend’s party. Nothing to do with you being a mum.

DucksNewburyport · 09/05/2023 19:31

Who's the closer friend out of the two of you?

I think it would be a shame for both of you to miss it completely.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 09/05/2023 19:31

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:28

😂 I like your thinking! It would be tempting but I hate going to things on my own and its
more his friends than mine

Here is your answer!
They're his friends and it’s one night and it’s also been suggested you meet him later! What’s the issue?!

Greybutterfly · 09/05/2023 19:32

Stop putting your whole life on hold for the sake of a bedtime routine. It’s also important that you spent time with your friends and your partner

WaitingfortheTardis · 09/05/2023 19:32

One night won't affect a 5 month old's routine, I think you can both go without anyone feeling left out or annoyed.

bringincrazyback · 09/05/2023 19:33

Greybutterfly · 09/05/2023 19:32

Stop putting your whole life on hold for the sake of a bedtime routine. It’s also important that you spent time with your friends and your partner

This.

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 19:34

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:28

😂 I like your thinking! It would be tempting but I hate going to things on my own and its
more his friends than mine

Then you’re being unreasonable. If you aren’t going to both go together it’s his friend so it makes sense for him to go.

zeddybrek · 09/05/2023 19:34

Could you agree that he goes to this one and you go to the next one so you get a night out too with the peace of mind that the kids are at home and not being disturbed. It won't always be like this remember, the kids will grow up soon and it won't be so difficult to leave them if you want to go you. Both of mine were so clingy, we called them velcro babies so I was at home missing out a lot, but it's only a phase. Also to offer an alternative view, the few times I did try to go out and think it'll be fine 'its just one night' it was never fine. Kids would be tired and cranky and I didn't enjoy myself at all. So if you're kids a routine kids then maybe try to find a way of keeping them at home and you go out, with or without DP.

StrugglingWeight · 09/05/2023 19:34

Personally I think it's absolute madness that you both miss out on this party for the sake of one night of your babies bedtime

It's his friend, that means he has priority. Personally I would just get the relative to come earlier and both go, but if not possible I really dont see what's wrong with him going first and you joining later. When it's your friend you swap

Cosyblankets · 09/05/2023 19:36

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:28

😂 I like your thinking! It would be tempting but I hate going to things on my own and its
more his friends than mine

His friend.
He goes.
You follow on if you're not prepared to compromise on one bedtime.
If it was your friend it would be the other way round

Original poster
Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:37

The reason I said it was because of ‘being mum’ is because I often feel like my partner assumes I’ll deal with the children and he will do what he wants socially. Yes it would be a shame for both to miss out but I surely decisions should be made between couples rather than just one deciding and telling the other

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 09/05/2023 19:39

Well being a parent often means on missing out on things.

Can you ask your relative to come earlier, that way you both get to go at the right time.

If that can't happen then of course it makes sense that he would be the one to go because they are his friends more than yours. I don't like being late for things either so I can understand where he's coming from.

Doing one bedtime on your own is hardly an issue tbh