Being mum means missing out - again!

[Bertbear]

AIBU? My partner and I have two small children (4 year old and 5 month old). We’ve been invited to a surprise birthday party for one of our friends and initially said we would go, but now we don’t think it’s wise due to wanting the baby kept in a routine at bedtime. My partners first suggestion was that he would go and I would put the baby to bed, then get to the party later once I’d handed over to a relative to stay with the children. (Why not both arrive late and go together??!)

I thought from further conversation we were on the same page about neither of us going, however my partner told me today he’s planning on going and needs to be there early for the ‘surprise’, which means not only am I not going but I’ll be doing bedtime for both children on my own.

@NewNovember no they don't.

Dont be daft, no it doesn't.

You think the official sleep guidance to prevent SIDS is "daft" I hope you joined this app for the gardening forum for example and are not yet a parent.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/

Babies should always be in the same room as you for the first six months for sleep, day and night. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet, but for most of the time when they are sleeping they are safest if you are close by
There are no devices on the market that will substitute a parent or carer being in the same room as baby for safer sleep.

Being mum does not mean you need to miss out, you not wanting the sitter to put your children to bed is the reason you are missing out, which is your choice.

Yes they can be. There is advice around infant sleep and that’s exactly what it is, advice, nothing written into law about it. My baby went to bed every night from a couple of weeks and we slept in the same room with her, she didn’t stay down here all night and we didn’t go to bed the same time she did. It’s a choice.

It's a guideline which not everyone follows.

I think it's fair as it's his friend to be fine for him to go....my DH had a work mate's birthday party next weekend we were invited to.
Our girls are very tricky/clingy with bedtimes, and the only person we feel comfortable leaving them both with in the evenings is my mum who is busy next weekend.
So I said to DH to still go, but he said he would rather not.His decision though as its someone who is his contact not mine.If he went out with mutual friends and was leaving me out that's different.

I think if you're just not leaving your little ones due to abit of a different routine, don't worry and just let it go it's only one night.If its more that you think they will struggle to cope emotionally without you doing the bedtime routine that's a different matter.

Sometimes as hard as it is, parenting does involve missing out, but its okay to feel abit resentful about that.
I missed 2 friends evening hen do's when DD1 was little, as she wouldn't settle to sleep without me breastfeeding her, which i was sad about, but would never have relaxed and enjoyed it knowing she was crying at home.

Goodness me, someone called the Judgy Police out didn’t they!

It’s pretty normal around most people I know tbh, don’t really know anyone who keeps their babies with them 24/7. It wouldn’t be for me and, as I said, not really the norm for anyone I know.

I missed the comment but just to say I’m the same. I have a 5 month old who has a 7pm bedtime and also is in his own room, has been since 3 months.

I’m very comfortable with the decision. Don’t let judgemental comments bother you.

Thank you, I really appreciate your post. Perhaps I really haven’t made myself understood properly but I do feel a lot of comments are incredibly harsh/judgemental of my character and ability as a parent. I am in no ways trying to be a martyr nor selfish about my partner spending time with friends. And I am certainly not saying I am in incapable of putting two children to bed on my own - I do do this from time to time. I am
not a stickler for routine (my children have been out late/had changes to their days) but we cannot take them to the party nor do we feel the babysitter will manage bedtime with the baby (usual babysitter is unavailable). My point was, as someone else pointed out, is that we chose as a couple to become parents yet when we get invited to things or have plans to enjoy something together, if there is an issue with that plan due to childcare I end up being the default parent. I’m sure this is the case for many mums and I don’t think this should be the case.

Of course my partner has priority to attend his friends stuff (and I with my friends). My issue was that we both felt the same way about not attending and then suddenly he tells me he’s going without actually asking how I would feel about this.

As much as some of these AIBU threads are helpful in getting us to consider things from other perspectives, I do think posters should be more empathic and less condescending in their comments.

Jesus Christ, it’s one night. Which will literally have no impact on the baby WHATSOEVER. Please get some perspective, go have a good time, and stop making a rod for your own back. Children should only ever add to your life, not take away from it.

When we become parents, life changes, as you become responsible for small people who can't be left alone.
You (as a couple) then have choices to make ...... how important is it to you to keep a 'bedtime routine' ? There's no 'right' answer, but people who choose to be routine driven without exceptions, then obviously will miss out on invitations to things, or going to anything that starts at a set time (theatre or sporting event or whatever).
If you (as a couple) feel that any particular event or night out is important enough, then you get a sitter. If you don't, then you miss it. I know which I would choose, but that doesn't make other people 'wrong' fro choosing differently.
If you (as a couple) decide the best thing is for one of you to go to something, then, yes, you've already answered that I hate going to things on my own and its more his friends than mine which gives you 2 reasons for it making more sense for him to go on this occasion.

This isn't to do with 'being the Mum' (as opposed to being the Dad, it is to do with you being parents, and the choices you are currently making, and of course the fact it is his friend and not yours, and adding in you wouldn't go on your own anyway.

You're being a martyr because you're saying he had already floated the idea of you following after and then you assumed from other conversations this had changed and were annoyed it hadn't, without presumably confirming you were on the same page.

If this is a regular occurance then, yes, he's being an AH. But for this case, it makes sense for things to happen this way.

BTW you wouldn't really be alone since you're joining him. And if you can't even make a journey alone then there may be bigger problems

I think you both need to stay at home.. its not like you are 12 and bummed over missing someones party lol-right?

We all have different things that work for us don’t we. My baby sleeps really well and has done since she was very little. She’s 18 months now so more a toddler and she’s fabulous so no regrets here! Glad it’s all going well for you too :-)

You need to establish some boundaries then. Stop taking charge of everything. Arrange to do some things and leave him in charge of the children, for at least a whole weekend.

Don't be that Mum who leaves a fridge full of home cooked food, fully sticked cupboards and a minute by minute list of how to look after them. Leave him to work it out for himself and then make sure he cleans up afterwards.

Exactly. Mine sleeps very well too, 7-7 like clockwork since he was 8 weeks. 😊

Being a mum often means we miss out because we priorise our children, over others. Because it's his friend, I'd let him go. When it's your friend, then you go. My husband and I take turns to go out, the remaining one looks after the children.

Surely the point of a babysitter is to put them to bed. Their routine isn’t sacred. Go out and have fun

I honestly think you should go and not stress about one night of routine? I have a 5 month old baby too and one evening a week me and my husband drop her at my mums at tea time while we go to a weekly group meet up thing that we've gone to for years. We pick baby up at about 10 and drive her home asleep. Baby usually falls asleep around the time she usually does but while my mum is cuddling her on the sofa and not in her crib
It's not messed up anything with creating a bedtime routine for her at home.
Go and have fun!

More his friend means he gets to go that's how it works in our house if only one of us can go cause of kids

I'd agree to him going, but use this opportunity to discuss downtime for you.

Have a think about what you'd like, do you have a hobby you want to take up, friends you want to see, date nights with a him? Discuss with him how you can achieve these things. It's hard being a Mum, I lost myself to it and looking back I should have stood up for myself and insisted I have 'my' time and didn't always become the default parent. I think as mothers we do this without thinking, and before we know it, we have become the default parent.

Unless your baby will only breast feed from you then just go together. Your kids will be fine with a relative.
start arranging outings with your friends and leave partner to do night time