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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being mum means missing out - again!

125 replies

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:25

AIBU? My partner and I have two small children (4 year old and 5 month old). We’ve been invited to a surprise birthday party for one of our friends and initially said we would go, but now we don’t think it’s wise due to wanting the baby kept in a routine at bedtime. My partners first suggestion was that he would go and I would put the baby to bed, then get to the party later once I’d handed over to a relative to stay with the children. (Why not both arrive late and go together??!)

I thought from further conversation we were on the same page about neither of us going, however my partner told me today he’s planning on going and needs to be there early for the ‘surprise’, which means not only am I not going but I’ll be doing bedtime for both children on my own.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/05/2023 19:42

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:37

The reason I said it was because of ‘being mum’ is because I often feel like my partner assumes I’ll deal with the children and he will do what he wants socially. Yes it would be a shame for both to miss out but I surely decisions should be made between couples rather than just one deciding and telling the other

Is he happy for a baby sitter to put baby to bed?

Thisweeksname · 09/05/2023 19:42

It’s one bedtime, it’s not going to make much difference. Have a night off and enjoy yourself.

Zezet · 09/05/2023 19:48

It really depends.

If you both insist the baby needs a parent for bedtime, yet he insists it must be you, that's unreasonable and sexist.

But if you are more precious than he is about your baby, and he would be happy for a sitter to do it, well, I don't think he has an obligation to rise to your desired level of precious. That is you making a rod for your own back, IMO.

Lockheart · 09/05/2023 19:49

Just ask the relative to come earlier and go to the party. No need to have a martyr drama about missing out.

Rockingcloggs · 09/05/2023 19:50

One night out of 365 really won't hurt the babies routine. Don't be a martyr to routine, especially not at 5 months. Or alternatively, put your foot down firmly and go late together.

itsgettingweird · 09/05/2023 19:51

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 19:28

Being mum means missing out - again!

Nope, this has everything to do with your partner and nothing to do with being a mum.

This.

You have said you do t want to go don't want to disrupt the baby's bedtime.

You'd hoped he agree.

Where the issue is is that he won't go later with you. But also you don't need to miss out by getting a sitter and going earlier with him.

So in many ways YABothBU but him more so for insisting it's you that goes later.

So get a sitter. And go with him.

SchoolShenanigans · 09/05/2023 19:52

YABU on the basis that they're more his friends than yours and that you're not joined at the hip.

There will always be times when one of you has to do the childcare on your own, that's life.

He gets this night out, you get another. It's nothing to do with being a mum and more they they're his friends and it's a surprise party that's nice to celebrate.

Original poster
Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:53

Thank you, I was beginning to think I really must be being unreasonable given the comments. Perhaps I didn’t make it clear with my OP but it was exactly this. I mentioned my concern about bedtime and DP said he’d also been thinking about that and didn’t think it was a good idea to ask someone else to do bedtime.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/05/2023 19:56

They're his friends so you can go later. It's fine.

There's no point you both missing out for bedtimes sake.

LaMaG · 09/05/2023 19:58

Sorry OP bit think YABU here. Its really not a big deal putting the kids down if that's what you want, or alternatively leaving them with a sitter to go early if you prefer. If its his friend and he feels strongly about being there for the surprise then he should go. Even if its a mutual friend and he wants the sitter but you do not, then its only fair its you that stays as that's your choice. I know having a little one is tricky but you will regret missing these 1 off occasions and they don't come around that often. If it were up to me I'd say get the sitter earlier and enjoy a fun night out together.

UnbeIievabIe · 09/05/2023 19:58

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:37

The reason I said it was because of ‘being mum’ is because I often feel like my partner assumes I’ll deal with the children and he will do what he wants socially. Yes it would be a shame for both to miss out but I surely decisions should be made between couples rather than just one deciding and telling the other

But you're ok to decide you're both not going? I don't understand people who put their life on hold for a rigid routine, and then complain about it.

Cherryblossoms85 · 09/05/2023 19:59

You're not setting yourself up for harmony here. I don't quite see the issue with him going first if it's his friend and you're not willing to leave the kids with someone else. It's one night, admittedly 4 months is a hard time but you'll just be resentful if you don't go out too. Sounds like there's babysitting available, use it.

grumpycow1 · 09/05/2023 19:59

But why both stay at home and miss out. Also if they’re more his friends than yours it’s not just because you’re mum is it. I would absolutely want my partner to be there for the surprise for his friend if I for some reason had to stay home. When my second was 4 months I left DH with 2 kids to do bedtime and went to a wedding for my friend. And he had nights out too. But if I was that bothered about missing the party. I would absolutely find a babysitter/ one night is not going to mess up the routine that much. If I’m being honest, you sound a bit of a control freak OP, sorry to say it 😬

ShowUs · 09/05/2023 19:59

I hate going to things on my own and its
more his friends than mine

YABU

Your title is very misleading.

Its more his friend and you wouldn’t want to go on your own anyway, so what’s the problem?

If it was more your friend and he was refusing to stay home instead of you then it would be different.

grumpycow1 · 09/05/2023 20:00

UnbeIievabIe · 09/05/2023 19:58

But you're ok to decide you're both not going? I don't understand people who put their life on hold for a rigid routine, and then complain about it.

Show quote history

This!

Isheabastard · 09/05/2023 20:01

Can you use going late to as leverage to get a lie in the next morning?

LaMaG · 09/05/2023 20:01

Only seeing update now - so he was the one against the earlier sitter. So either way you can't go early together.... I'd still say let him go and you follow and make sure the favour is returned when it's your friend or family next time.

FernGully43 · 09/05/2023 20:02

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:37

The reason I said it was because of ‘being mum’ is because I often feel like my partner assumes I’ll deal with the children and he will do what he wants socially. Yes it would be a shame for both to miss out but I surely decisions should be made between couples rather than just one deciding and telling the other

Then you have bigger problems than one party

Iwasafool · 09/05/2023 20:02

Turn it round the other way, if it was your friend's party and only one of you could go how would you feel if he said it wasn't fair that you were going? Would you expect to be the one going?

Apart from that I agree with other posts, one night isn't going to matter. You can make yourself a slave to a baby's routine.

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 20:02

LaMaG · 09/05/2023 20:01

Only seeing update now - so he was the one against the earlier sitter. So either way you can't go early together.... I'd still say let him go and you follow and make sure the favour is returned when it's your friend or family next time.

They're both against the earlier sitter. She mentioned it and he said he'd had the same thought.

offyoufuckcuntychops · 09/05/2023 20:05

It's fine not to want to disrupt your children's routine.

They are your partner's friends more than yours, so you either not going or going later is no big deal (so long as you would get to be the one who goes early when it's one of your friends - if that's what you want to do).

You worrying about doing bedtime on your own is a bit mind-bending. Gazillions of parents do bedtime single-handed. I did it most days.

FWIW, I wouldn't have left my 5 month old at all, so you're doing pretty well if you're happy to do this.

I agree with you, though, that the problem is your partner's expectation that he can do whatever suits him and you will just fit in or do something you're unhappy with (i.e. leave the children before bedtime or disrupt them). My ex husband went in for this a fair bit and it did piss me off when he said he was going cycling one Sunday when it was the school fair. Not that I cared that he was going,nbut it was the lack of consultation and the expectation that I would just automatically be the one doing 'child' stuff.

Pippa12 · 09/05/2023 20:08

If you don’t like going out alone, and it’s more your husbands friend that yours why would you not want him to go? Seems abit tight to me.

Who is having the children? Are they happy to put them to bed?

If I was you I’d go to the party together and enjoy a ‘night off’. Keeps your marriage alive and your mum brain sane!

FloweryName · 09/05/2023 20:09

You could go to the party if you wanted to, so I don’t see the big problem.

Why did you want him to agree to not going at all after he suggested you just getting a taxi later?

He just wants to go and be part of the surprise for his friend which isn’t unreasonable.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/05/2023 20:12

What do you both think is going to happen if someone else puts baby to bed instead of a parent for one night? Do you think they won't follow the bedtime routine?

I have a 5 month old too and we started leaving him at 6 weeks for bedtimes but we also trust the person watching him to follow his routine and be sure that he's in bed at 7.

I can understand if you are concerned they might mess up any sleep progress you've made and in that case, since it's DH's friends then he should go this time but be sure that it is you that goes next time.

You don't have to be the one to always miss out.

YouveGotAFastCar · 09/05/2023 20:14

We did this for a friends wedding reception a few weeks ago… I went first. DH did bedtime and then joined me once DS & babysitter were settled.

It makes sense.