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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being mum means missing out - again!

125 replies

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:25

AIBU? My partner and I have two small children (4 year old and 5 month old). We’ve been invited to a surprise birthday party for one of our friends and initially said we would go, but now we don’t think it’s wise due to wanting the baby kept in a routine at bedtime. My partners first suggestion was that he would go and I would put the baby to bed, then get to the party later once I’d handed over to a relative to stay with the children. (Why not both arrive late and go together??!)

I thought from further conversation we were on the same page about neither of us going, however my partner told me today he’s planning on going and needs to be there early for the ‘surprise’, which means not only am I not going but I’ll be doing bedtime for both children on my own.

OP posts:

Nearamir · 09/05/2023 20:15

Sorry OP, but I think you’re being a bit precious.
1 it’s his friend
2 why do you need his help to put two kids to bed? I’m sure you can manage one night doing it by yourself
3 or just let the sitter put the kids to bed for one night. Never deviating from their ‘routine’ is just making a rod for your own back down the line.

RJnomore1 · 09/05/2023 20:16

Is this another scenario where you’ve had a baby and he just carries on with his life as normal and assumes you will do all the heavy lifting?

Motheranddaughter · 09/05/2023 20:18

My DH was very hands on when the DC were young,and is very supportive generally
But in a situation like this he would not have seen any reason why we could not have left the DC with the babysitter to do the bedtime routine
If I had insisted he would have left me to it

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 09/05/2023 20:20

I get the feeling that your partner would happily let the babysitter put the kids to bed but you’re (I say this gently) inflexible about the children. He doesn’t want to miss the surprise/the party when his friend comes in so he’s saying he’s going anyway. FWIW, I don’t blame him.

The baby will be fine if someone else puts them to bed as long as the someone follows your usual routine. Go and have fun with your husband, raising babies and children doesn’t have to be so rigid.

Blanketpolicy · 09/05/2023 20:25

If it was your friends birthday surprise would he have put the kids to bed and let you go early and he joined you later?

If not then HIBU.

MouseTime · 09/05/2023 20:37

If I was him I'd have done the same. However if it was your friends I'd assume I was sorting the kids and you would go to the surprise part of the party.

It seems silly for you both to stay home when it's his friends party.

TheRowdy3 · 09/05/2023 20:38

If it's his friends, he should go. He should sort the baby sitters. It is still a bit cheeky for him to agree to stay home and then decide you will stay and get DC settled.

You need to book a night out asap and leave your DP to bedtime.

Strawberrydelight78 · 09/05/2023 20:39

If it's family or close friend I just used to take them with me take the pram for baby. They had a great time. Sometimes you have to disrupt they're routine like on holiday. We would miss out on a lot of the entertainment if we revolved around the kids routine all the time. Just don't have a drink. You don't have to have alcohol to enjoy yourself.

Namechangethisonetime · 09/05/2023 20:43

Bertbear · 09/05/2023 19:28

😂 I like your thinking! It would be tempting but I hate going to things on my own and its
more his friends than mine

So it’s his friend, really?

He goes first, you follow later. This is a no-brainer really. Why on earth would you be happy with him missing his friend’s birthday party? I think you need to examine that tbh

Joeylove88 · 09/05/2023 20:48

It's each to their own but like others have said it's not the end of the world for a 5 month old to be put to bed by someone else for 1 night. Strict routines aren't needed for babies that young but it's how you feel about it that matters. Your partner was a bit cheeky to agree with you about not disrupting the bedtime to then just decide he was going to go and leave early anyway but it makes sense for him to be there early for his friend. I would say both of you go early and let your hair down!

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 09/05/2023 20:50

You have loads of options your just being a martyr. Why is putting the kids to bed yourself such a big deal most people do this every night, do you really need him to help with that, what would you do if you become a single mum

Deathbyfluffy · 09/05/2023 20:51

You let him go to this one, but agree next time there’s a social event you’ll go and he’ll stay at home.

It baffles me that this is so simple yet so difficult it seems - works fine for me and my wife.

celticmamabear · 09/05/2023 20:58

I think honestly you're being unreasonable. It's understandable to be annoyed by missing out but it's his friends. If it was your friends the situation would be different. Me and my partner were together 8 years before we had our first child so I obviously got on really well with his friends and we did loads together. When our son came along and there was an event that was happening for one of his friends, if babysitters weren't an option I'd never dream of him missing any of the party just to help me with the kids. It's not as though the baby is a newborn. I understand the annoyance you're feeling but I don't think your husband assumed anything because you're the mother, I think he assumed it because they are his friends. Sometimes we have to step back and take a look at it rationally. If the situations were reversed and he expected you to miss the surprise part of your friends surprise party, what would your thoughts be then?

Username84 · 09/05/2023 21:05

It's not the going out that's the problem, it's always being the default parent. He had kids too, they can inconvenience him as well.

Sahlife · 09/05/2023 21:07

Regardless of who should/shouldnt go to the party, you should be able to handle putting both children down by yourself. That's pretty basic.

ReadersD1gest · 09/05/2023 21:08

It's your rigidness about bedtimes that's the issue, not being a Mum 😵‍💫
Either allow your relative to take over for one night or do it yourself.
Not sure what other option you think there might be?

Oblomov23 · 09/05/2023 21:10

It's one bedtime! What is all this 'missing out' nonsense. Why on earth are you allowing yourself to miss out? At all. This martyr me attitude isn't helping anyone.

Dungaree · 09/05/2023 21:11

No point in you both missing it. If they are his friends and you want to put the DC to bed then he should go on and you go later or get a babysitter to put them both to bed.

Tickabillar · 09/05/2023 21:14

Really? It's once! Nothing bad will happen if your kids have one late or out of the ordinary bedtime. Get a grip!

Timehaspassed · 09/05/2023 21:41

OP I hope you are ok and not feeling bullied by the comments
It’s unfair when there is the assumption that you will be the one to stay at home to the settle the kids and other half goes out. I think that is what you are trying to highlight and it’s got a bit lost hence the responses

NewNovember · 09/05/2023 21:42

A five month can't be left alone in their cot anyway so why can't your sitter keep them downstairs rather than spending the evening in your bedroom. Then no normal routine needed.

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 21:43

NewNovember · 09/05/2023 21:42

A five month can't be left alone in their cot anyway so why can't your sitter keep them downstairs rather than spending the evening in your bedroom. Then no normal routine needed.

Of course they can.

NewNovember · 09/05/2023 21:44

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 21:43

Of course they can.

Show quote history

No under six months all skeep including naps needs to take place in the same room.

ReadersD1gest · 09/05/2023 21:44

Timehaspassed · 09/05/2023 21:41

How is it unfair when it's op's choice not to let the babysitter take over?
It would be unfair on her oh if she got her way, which is for both of them to do bedtime together meaning they're both late.

NewNovember · 09/05/2023 21:45

*sleep

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