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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this reasonable? Holiday situation

118 replies

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:42

My family live abroad (we are in UK) and a close relative is getting married. Me and DH have been invited obviously and although it's a childfree wedding, a few family children are attending as they are in the wedding party (bridesmaids etc..) our DC (3yo) being one of them.

Because of the distance to travel we are staying with family for a week with the wedding happening in the middle.

We are not well off at the moment and haven't been able to afford an abroad holiday for a number of years, my mum and dad are covering a lot of families flights over there and we are staying at their house. I cannot wait as like I say we haven't had a holiday in ages and DC will have a fab time too (there is a pool and stuff there).

My husband's ex has hit the roof basically. She asked us to cover part of this week with DSC but obviously husband has had to say we can't as we are away and why. She is pissed off that we are 'going on holiday' without them when we have never taken them abroad (never been able to afford school holiday prices!) and she thinks it's terrible that we are going with our child and not them.

Tbf she does take them away most years and we never have other than the UK which we do every year but we can't afford it. She also goes away plenty on her own with her partner too but she says that's different because we are taking our child on this one (yes because they are part of the wedding!).

Husband is a bit of a worrier when it comes to his ex as she has on occasion refused to let him see them when she's annoyed at him (although this has never lasted more than a week or two).

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is fine, it's a family event, we aren't paying for it and it won't be every year.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:43

Just to add it doesn't fall over our week with DSC.

OP posts:
Suzannargh · 09/05/2023 15:45

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:43

Just to add it doesn't fall over our week with DSC.

Then YANBU at all.

If you were doing it over your time with SC and just expecting her to accommodate then you would be.

MaggieFS · 09/05/2023 15:47

She's probably most annoyed because for some reason she didn't want the kids hat week and may have been relying on you to have them.

What you're doing sounds fine and makes sense. But how old are the DSC? In my family SC are also invited and involved as part of the family, so my only thought would be how they feel about not being included (rather than missing out on a holiday / not-a-holiday).

Gymnopedie · 09/05/2023 15:48

So what does she want to do during her time with the DSC that she wants to palm them off onto you for? Something without the DSC obviously. She's not that bothered about including them in everything.

I agree with the first poster, if it was in your time then it would be trickier. But she's just mad that you're not able to facilitate her social life. Please try to stop your DH caving.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2023 15:48

Your dh is free to do what he likes when he doesn't have his child on visitation, so the ex can get to fuck basically.

However I'm also a little curious as to why dsc hasn't been invited to attend if their sibling has, as in our wider family we count step children (or in this case certainly half siblings!) the same as if they were full siblings.

Gymnopedie · 09/05/2023 15:49

But how old are the DSC? In my family SC are also invited and involved as part of the family, so my only thought would be how they feel about not being included (rather than missing out on a holiday / not-a-holiday).

It sounds like the wedding may be in school term time anyway. The OP's DC is only 3 so not affected. But given what OP says about holiday costs in school holiday time, the DSC clearly is.

regenerista · 09/05/2023 15:50

YANBU at all. It's your family's wedding and your child is in the wedding party. She will just have to suck it up I'm afraid. Have you told her your family are paying for flights?

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:50

Relative getting married has never met DSC aside from at our wedding and the wedding is childfree apart from kids in the wedding party (our child is a bridesmaid).

OP posts:
Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:51

Tbf to mum it's a business trip she's been asked to go on not a holiday which is why she asked us to cover a few days of that week (not the whole week).

It is in school holidays as there are other kids going who are in the wedding party who are school aged so had to be.

OP posts:
Suzannargh · 09/05/2023 15:52

regenerista · 09/05/2023 15:50

YANBU at all. It's your family's wedding and your child is in the wedding party. She will just have to suck it up I'm afraid. Have you told her your family are paying for flights?

I wouldn’t even get into that, it’s none of OP’s ex’s business.

If SC are upset (and this hasn’t even been mentioned) then OP and their dad can explain it to them directly.

gogohmm · 09/05/2023 15:54

I personally think families that don't include step children are mean, I think they should have been invited, but they haven't been so there's not a lot you can do.

(my mum always includes my dps dc in invites)

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 15:56

Absolutely nothing about this is unreasonable. From the fact that it's YOUR family, that the SDC aren't invited because they don't know them, that your family are paying for it, and that it's not over your contact time anyway.

There's nothing wrong with this at all.

REignbow · 09/05/2023 15:58

It sounds as though his ex is more miffed that you both cannot cover for whilst she is away.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2023 15:58

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:50

Relative getting married has never met DSC aside from at our wedding and the wedding is childfree apart from kids in the wedding party (our child is a bridesmaid).

So if you and dh had another child who wasn't bridesmaid (too young, or too old/said no thanks), would they then not be invited?

CwmYoy · 09/05/2023 15:59

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2023 15:58

So if you and dh had another child who wasn't bridesmaid (too young, or too old/said no thanks), would they then not be invited?

Show quote history

Daft question. There is no other child.

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2023 15:58

So if you and dh had another child who wasn't bridesmaid (too young, or too old/said no thanks), would they then not be invited?

Show quote history

They probably would have been asked to be in the wedding party too. All nieces and nephews are going because they are all part of the wedding. But we don't have another child so I obviously can't say for sure what would happen.

OP posts:
perfectimperfect · 09/05/2023 16:02

This isn't unreasonable at all. Is the DSC old enough to understand why they aren't going?
The mum will just have to suck it up and arrange alternative childcare.

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:03

DSC are old enough to understand although she says they'll be upset. I can imagine they might be a little as they do ask when we can go on a 'proper' holiday but obviously this time can't be helped. If we ever are able to afford it we will do.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:04

There have been comments in the past too about it all being about DC3 now too which I guess may be playing a part (although come from mum and not DSC directly so whether they actually did say it or not I don't know) but that was a long time ago now and DSC get on fantastic with their sibling.

OP posts:
darjeelingrose · 09/05/2023 16:06

gogohmm · 09/05/2023 15:54

I personally think families that don't include step children are mean, I think they should have been invited, but they haven't been so there's not a lot you can do.

(my mum always includes my dps dc in invites)

But that's not the point here at all. If anything, in normal circumstances, the OP would have had to refuse because it shouldn't have been their week.

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:09

darjeelingrose · 09/05/2023 16:06

But that's not the point here at all. If anything, in normal circumstances, the OP would have had to refuse because it shouldn't have been their week.

Show quote history

It's not our week no but I imagine their mum probably would have let them come anyway, we are pretty flexible both ways. But obviously that's not really relevant because they weren't invited to the wedding any way.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:10

I don't personally think it's mean they haven't been invited, they don't really know my family at all apart from my mum and dad who split their time between here and there but even them they don't see much. It's just how it is when my family lives so far away and weddings are pretty expensive without inviting guests you don't know

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 09/05/2023 16:17

YANBU, this is a wedding for someone they don't know well not a holiday. It sounds like if it had fallen on a week when you had dsc you might not have been able to afford to take all of you so your dh would have needed to stay home with them.

Darkchocolatekitkat · 09/05/2023 16:18

What’s unreasonable is this fuss about how going abroad is the only “proper” holiday. My children have never been abroad, they’ve had perfectly lovely, fun U.K. holidays and enjoyed spending time with us and doing different things. There’s kids in my son’s class who’ve never even left the county we live in. I just can’t feel sad for children who get a foreign holiday with one parent but not the other….

Stop framing it as a big holiday. You are visiting your family who happen to live abroad - family who’ve barely met your stepchild. It’s hardly unreasonable not to include stepchild, and it sounds like they’re only bothered because they see it as “exotic holiday”. If it was spending a week with your family and going to your relatives wedding in November in Milton Keynes would they be so keen?!

Inertia · 09/05/2023 16:18

It sounds as though Ex is now struggling to find cover for her business trip. If all of the planned wedding trip dates are outside of your DH's contact time with the SC, then you are not being unreasonable to be away- you are not expecting her to cover.

Are there any reliable grandparents who could help the Ex out?