Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this reasonable? Holiday situation

118 replies

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:42

My family live abroad (we are in UK) and a close relative is getting married. Me and DH have been invited obviously and although it's a childfree wedding, a few family children are attending as they are in the wedding party (bridesmaids etc..) our DC (3yo) being one of them.

Because of the distance to travel we are staying with family for a week with the wedding happening in the middle.

We are not well off at the moment and haven't been able to afford an abroad holiday for a number of years, my mum and dad are covering a lot of families flights over there and we are staying at their house. I cannot wait as like I say we haven't had a holiday in ages and DC will have a fab time too (there is a pool and stuff there).

My husband's ex has hit the roof basically. She asked us to cover part of this week with DSC but obviously husband has had to say we can't as we are away and why. She is pissed off that we are 'going on holiday' without them when we have never taken them abroad (never been able to afford school holiday prices!) and she thinks it's terrible that we are going with our child and not them.

Tbf she does take them away most years and we never have other than the UK which we do every year but we can't afford it. She also goes away plenty on her own with her partner too but she says that's different because we are taking our child on this one (yes because they are part of the wedding!).

Husband is a bit of a worrier when it comes to his ex as she has on occasion refused to let him see them when she's annoyed at him (although this has never lasted more than a week or two).

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is fine, it's a family event, we aren't paying for it and it won't be every year.

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 17:33

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:43

Just to add it doesn't fall over our week with DSC.

Then she's bang out of order and should be embarrassed frankly

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 09/05/2023 17:35

You've done nothing wrong, ignore her and enjoy the wedding

OhmygodDont · 09/05/2023 17:35

So it’s not contact time, it’s a child free wedding apart from those in the wedding party, the wedding is aboard.

The ex needs to deal with her own issues. This isn’t a holiday in the sense you’ve gone of let’s go to Marbella but not take dsc for a week hahaha wicked laugh.

It’s a family wedding you have been invited to attend and your parents are footing the bill for accommodation and flights basically.

nta

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:42

AngryBirdsNoMore · 09/05/2023 17:30

How old are they?

They are 9&12

OP posts:
dammit88 · 09/05/2023 17:42

You say ALL nieces and nephews are invited - except your DSC - which suggests they are not seen as part of the family, or certainly not an equal part of the family. Im not sure of the rights and wrongs of this but depending on the age of the child and your relationship with them I can see that this might be a bit sad for them.

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:43

dammit88 · 09/05/2023 17:42

You say ALL nieces and nephews are invited - except your DSC - which suggests they are not seen as part of the family, or certainly not an equal part of the family. Im not sure of the rights and wrongs of this but depending on the age of the child and your relationship with them I can see that this might be a bit sad for them.

Yes I guess I don't class DSC as nieces and nephews and clearly neither do my family but I don't think that's odd considering most of my family have never met them. In the same way DSC don't consider my siblings aunt/uncle.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:43

All nieces and nephews are in the wedding party which is why they are invited.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 09/05/2023 17:45

Well what does she expect you to do exactly? Bring a child that's not invited? Magic the airfare from thin air? Or cancel going to the wedding because you all can't go?

She's being unreasonable and I'm sure wouldn't be half as bothered as it affects her work plans.

Just ask her what she's proposing, what would she do in your position? (She'd do exactly what you're doing)

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 09/05/2023 17:46

I think that you are not paying for it is relevant, if you are not paying then you don't call the shots. Its not up to you to invite the other children. And also frankly, a wedding is boring for older children, its not a 'proper' holiday, its lots of family functions and dinners. The ex is being unreasonable because her childcare plans fell though (you), and she really needs to deal with that herself.

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:46

SunshineAndFizz · 09/05/2023 17:45

Well what does she expect you to do exactly? Bring a child that's not invited? Magic the airfare from thin air? Or cancel going to the wedding because you all can't go?

She's being unreasonable and I'm sure wouldn't be half as bothered as it affects her work plans.

Just ask her what she's proposing, what would she do in your position? (She'd do exactly what you're doing)

I think she'd be fine with it providing our child wasn't going too because then it's not fair that we get to go on holiday as a family without DSC. But obviously I'm not going to not bring our child to their own families weddings just to save a few upsets, that would be unfair on our DC.

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 17:46

dammit88 · 09/05/2023 17:42

You say ALL nieces and nephews are invited - except your DSC - which suggests they are not seen as part of the family, or certainly not an equal part of the family. Im not sure of the rights and wrongs of this but depending on the age of the child and your relationship with them I can see that this might be a bit sad for them.

Tough though. They are old enough to get it.

tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 17:48

SunshineAndFizz · 09/05/2023 17:45

Well what does she expect you to do exactly? Bring a child that's not invited? Magic the airfare from thin air? Or cancel going to the wedding because you all can't go?

She's being unreasonable and I'm sure wouldn't be half as bothered as it affects her work plans.

Just ask her what she's proposing, what would she do in your position? (She'd do exactly what you're doing)

Oh no don't ask her! She'll come up with something bonkers like DH now HAS to take DSC abroad somewhere with a pool so they still feel loved..

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:50

Or she'd be fine if DH wasn't going as well but I don't see why he shouldn't

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 17:53

YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:50

Or she'd be fine if DH wasn't going as well but I don't see why he shouldn't

Ah well never mind. Let her kick up a fuss. She's being stupid and upsetting her kid by acting like a toddler. Waaaaah it's not faaaaair.

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 17:53

It’s a shame your family aren’t including them and it could affect DSC relationship with your DC down the line.

In the short term it’s easy to focus on annoying behaviour of their mother and her kicking off - but that’s just a distraction - her being annoying doesn’t negate what’s going on behind that. Your family of origin have hardly met your DSC (but your parents have) but DSC have met your own child many many times and when they do so, it’s as part of your and partner’s family?

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 17:53

dammit88 · 09/05/2023 17:42

You say ALL nieces and nephews are invited - except your DSC - which suggests they are not seen as part of the family, or certainly not an equal part of the family. Im not sure of the rights and wrongs of this but depending on the age of the child and your relationship with them I can see that this might be a bit sad for them.

They've met them once or not at all, it would be weird of them to consider themselves nieces/nephews. They are obviously step mum's family, rather than theirs.

coronation2023 · 09/05/2023 17:56

@Katherine1985 I really can't understand what your point is

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:59

namechange3394 · 09/05/2023 16:18

I think it's rude to invite half a family to a wedding tbh. I would be upset if my family members didn't invite my DSC and we probably wouldn't go.

Fair enough you think this is fine, but Dsc's mum doesn't, and she's allowed to have that opinion - I think it's a perfectly reasonable one.

I wouldn't dream of not attending just because they haven't invited DSC. I wouldn't expect them to. It's expensive as it is nevermind having essentially strangers there too which they are to the person getting married.

OP posts:
Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 18:08

coronation2023 · 09/05/2023 17:56

@Katherine1985 I really can't understand what your point is

Never mind, my point has been better expressed by a couple of other posters who can’t see why DSC isn’t invited

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/05/2023 18:11

YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:10

I don't personally think it's mean they haven't been invited, they don't really know my family at all apart from my mum and dad who split their time between here and there but even them they don't see much. It's just how it is when my family lives so far away and weddings are pretty expensive without inviting guests you don't know

So does your own DC know them well?

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 18:12

Never mind, my point has been better expressed by a couple of other posters who can’t see why DSC isn’t invited

Lack of experience of this common family dynamic, is the answer to why you and they can't see why they weren't invited.

EpicChaos · 09/05/2023 18:19

And where does his ex think the kids would sleep? A bit much to presume that during a family event, that there would be spare room for extra guests to sleep, especially when any extra space could have gone towards saving a couple of invited adult wedding guests from paying for a hotel.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/05/2023 18:20

@tikkanaan good point! No ask her OP.

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 18:21

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 18:12

Never mind, my point has been better expressed by a couple of other posters who can’t see why DSC isn’t invited

Lack of experience of this common family dynamic, is the answer to why you and they can't see why they weren't invited.

I’ve been the SC invited to the SP’s sibling’s wedding - but ok

whumpthereitis · 09/05/2023 18:24

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 18:21

I’ve been the SC invited to the SP’s sibling’s wedding - but ok

Show quote history

Okay? Not every step family operates the way yours did, or wants to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread