Is this reasonable? Holiday situation

[YoHup]

My family live abroad (we are in UK) and a close relative is getting married. Me and DH have been invited obviously and although it's a childfree wedding, a few family children are attending as they are in the wedding party (bridesmaids etc..) our DC (3yo) being one of them.

Because of the distance to travel we are staying with family for a week with the wedding happening in the middle.

We are not well off at the moment and haven't been able to afford an abroad holiday for a number of years, my mum and dad are covering a lot of families flights over there and we are staying at their house. I cannot wait as like I say we haven't had a holiday in ages and DC will have a fab time too (there is a pool and stuff there).

My husband's ex has hit the roof basically. She asked us to cover part of this week with DSC but obviously husband has had to say we can't as we are away and why. She is pissed off that we are 'going on holiday' without them when we have never taken them abroad (never been able to afford school holiday prices!) and she thinks it's terrible that we are going with our child and not them.

Tbf she does take them away most years and we never have other than the UK which we do every year but we can't afford it. She also goes away plenty on her own with her partner too but she says that's different because we are taking our child on this one (yes because they are part of the wedding!).

Husband is a bit of a worrier when it comes to his ex as she has on occasion refused to let him see them when she's annoyed at him (although this has never lasted more than a week or two).

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is fine, it's a family event, we aren't paying for it and it won't be every year.

I does seem a bit divisive and mean. Children don’t understand the dynamics all they see is their dad swanning off on holiday with his new family.
Also you keep saying they’ve never met but if your husband or DC had never met them they’d still be invited because they are family, it’s a clear message that the DSC are not.

My older brother is a half brother, different dad. We lived with my dad growing up, and I remember him getting fancy holidays that I didn't every summer when his dad took him on their family holiday. I just saw them as an extra part of his life from the extra connection, it's not like your daughter goes on holiday with them for things on their mums side.

This. In all the time you’ve been with DH and since DC was born it looks like a choice not to introduce DSC to your sister, given the amount of contact and video calls

Yes, but then all the family children are in the bridal party. Not the step children though. They are not seen as family.

Is it so wrong for the OP to take a trip that doesn’t involve her step children?

I definitely think DSC will feel left out OP. You seem very adamant that your family has no real awareness or connection to them which is why they were not included in the wedding party, is this really how you want it to be? Can’t you see why they would feel pushed out? Don’t you want them to be included? Sure you can justify it if you really want to but wouldn’t you like to include them?

Does your DD3 know the family more than your step children?

I’m convinced that many posters are not step parents. My DSS would not have been remotely interested in my relatives, he would have found it all very boring!

Yes of course.

Don’t you want them to be included? Sure you can justify it if you really want to but wouldn’t you like to include them?

I don't feel one way or the other about it. It's their wedding and I totally understand why they haven't invited them. I don't think it's a big deal personally that they aren't invited to a wedding of someone they don't know. Our DC is different, it's their family, their aunt, their mothers sister and their grandparents/ cousins etc..

Yes, but then all the family children are in the bridal party. Not the step children though. They are not seen as family.

But that just really isn't an issue for everybody. My DSS hasn't been raised with any particular expectation to have any involvement with my family, he is happy with his own two sides of the family.

My mum was a SC and she doesn't know her step dad's family. It just isn't a thing.

Totally agree

If they wanted to do it differently I’m sure they would, so I imagine that yes, this is the way they want it to be. There’s no reason why they should want to do it differently.

my brother’s partner has a child. I know him vaguely but I’m not his aunt and nor does anyone expect me to act as if I am, and that’s absolutely fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well it’s a child free wedding apart from bridal party so what are you supposed to do? How is she expecting you to take them?

What a messy situation.

Is your husband your child's dad? So. Making the kids siblings or steps?
Do they have any relationship with the couple getting married?
Why have the bride and groom ignored kids from their own family all be it steps?

Its really messy and the only people getting hurt here is thr children who are pushed to the side as they aren't in the wanted group..

This epidemic of parents throwing in the towel of marriage when children are involved just causes more and more upset to the children left behind and ignored.

I’d be absolutely devastated if my husband’s family didn’t see my son as part of their family & only included our son. They didn’t treat my son any different to how they treat our son. My husband’s parent’s & brother see my son as their grandson & nephew just as much as their biological grandson/nephew. Obviously this isn’t the case for all families but I honestly find it really sad that even though you are married they are still not part of the family. We just don’t differentiate like in either mine or my husband’s family, marriage (or serious relationship) means family regardless of biology

It’s interesting you say that. My children have a half sister. When their dad was with the half sister’s mother my children referred to her mum as nanny so and so, and her sister as aunty ex and also her Gran and great granny y. They were quite young at the time though - maybe 5 and 8 at the time. Their dad did eventually split from her but they did call her side of the family with family names and they were treated by her side of the family as nieces/grand daughters and great grand daughters. They have no contact now though since their dad split with her and only just see their half sister when he has them.

But in the situation OP has mentioned I can see both sides. If his other Ex’s family had have had a wedding when they were together and mine weren’t invited I’m not sure I’d have been too upset. There were things mine didn’t get invited to that their half sister did.

It's a childfree wedding, bar the bridal party.

You can't possibly think that the couple should invite a child they have never even met to be in their bridal party? That would just be weird!