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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this reasonable? Holiday situation

118 replies

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:42

My family live abroad (we are in UK) and a close relative is getting married. Me and DH have been invited obviously and although it's a childfree wedding, a few family children are attending as they are in the wedding party (bridesmaids etc..) our DC (3yo) being one of them.

Because of the distance to travel we are staying with family for a week with the wedding happening in the middle.

We are not well off at the moment and haven't been able to afford an abroad holiday for a number of years, my mum and dad are covering a lot of families flights over there and we are staying at their house. I cannot wait as like I say we haven't had a holiday in ages and DC will have a fab time too (there is a pool and stuff there).

My husband's ex has hit the roof basically. She asked us to cover part of this week with DSC but obviously husband has had to say we can't as we are away and why. She is pissed off that we are 'going on holiday' without them when we have never taken them abroad (never been able to afford school holiday prices!) and she thinks it's terrible that we are going with our child and not them.

Tbf she does take them away most years and we never have other than the UK which we do every year but we can't afford it. She also goes away plenty on her own with her partner too but she says that's different because we are taking our child on this one (yes because they are part of the wedding!).

Husband is a bit of a worrier when it comes to his ex as she has on occasion refused to let him see them when she's annoyed at him (although this has never lasted more than a week or two).

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is fine, it's a family event, we aren't paying for it and it won't be every year.

OP posts:

namechange3394 · 09/05/2023 16:18

I think it's rude to invite half a family to a wedding tbh. I would be upset if my family members didn't invite my DSC and we probably wouldn't go.

Fair enough you think this is fine, but Dsc's mum doesn't, and she's allowed to have that opinion - I think it's a perfectly reasonable one.

Workawayxx · 09/05/2023 16:19

YANBU. It can't be helped in this situation. Although I can't help but imagine feeling sad for my DC if his Dad and step mum were taking their (imaginary as they don't have one!) joint child to a wedding and holiday abroad and he was left out. I know he'd feel sad about it too as he's never been abroad with his Dad. So I'd probably try to be a bit understanding too but just say it really is a very specific situation that can't be helped.

ASGIRC · 09/05/2023 16:22

Darkchocolatekitkat · 09/05/2023 16:18

What’s unreasonable is this fuss about how going abroad is the only “proper” holiday. My children have never been abroad, they’ve had perfectly lovely, fun U.K. holidays and enjoyed spending time with us and doing different things. There’s kids in my son’s class who’ve never even left the county we live in. I just can’t feel sad for children who get a foreign holiday with one parent but not the other….

Stop framing it as a big holiday. You are visiting your family who happen to live abroad - family who’ve barely met your stepchild. It’s hardly unreasonable not to include stepchild, and it sounds like they’re only bothered because they see it as “exotic holiday”. If it was spending a week with your family and going to your relatives wedding in November in Milton Keynes would they be so keen?!

Right? I was just about to say this.

I never EVER went abroad with my parents. We had local holidays, and they were great! They were definitely proper holidays as well!
Even more, my step siblings have been on holidays abroad with my mom and step dad, but my brother and I havent. Never was a problem.

Even now, where Im from, it is much more common to holiday in our country than it is to go abroad (though I do live in a sunny/warm/beachy country, that many in the UK travel to for holidays!).

OP YANBU!

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 16:28

YoHup · 09/05/2023 16:10

I don't personally think it's mean they haven't been invited, they don't really know my family at all apart from my mum and dad who split their time between here and there but even them they don't see much. It's just how it is when my family lives so far away and weddings are pretty expensive without inviting guests you don't know

It's not - this is just how it is when SC don't know their SP's family or only know them a very small amount. A lot of people that aren't in that situation don't get it.

Batalax · 09/05/2023 16:29

You aren’t going on holiday. You are visiting your family who happen to live abroad!

viques · 09/05/2023 16:34

Batalax · 09/05/2023 16:29

You aren’t going on holiday. You are visiting your family who happen to live abroad!

this, I very much doubt as much fuss would have been made about the other children not being invited if the wedding for people they have never met was in Cleethorpes ( lovely as Cleethorpes is). It is the magic words “abroad” and “pool” that have stirred things up.

TonTonMacoute · 09/05/2023 16:41

She is being unreasonable.

It's a holiday for you, but DSC probably wouldn't want to spend their holiday with your family and go to a boring old wedding of someone they don't know!

You can make it up to them another way, sounds like she just wants to be difficult!

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 09/05/2023 16:45

as they do ask when we can go on a 'proper' holiday

Good lord, how spolit! What's wrong with holidays in the UK? There's so so much to do in this country, as the millions of tourists who come here each year might suggest.

YANBU at all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2023 16:49

It’s just one of those things, isn’t it?

Maddy70 · 09/05/2023 16:53

Just tell her it's a family wedding and the dc isn't invited and it's child free apart from those in the wedding party

If this was a normal kind of holiday I would agree with her tbh they should all be treated the same but it's a wedding

Naddd · 09/05/2023 16:54

gogohmm · 09/05/2023 15:54

I personally think families that don't include step children are mean, I think they should have been invited, but they haven't been so there's not a lot you can do.

(my mum always includes my dps dc in invites)

Did u not read the post?
The only children who are going are in the bridal party.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/05/2023 16:55

gogohmm · 09/05/2023 15:54

I personally think families that don't include step children are mean, I think they should have been invited, but they haven't been so there's not a lot you can do.

(my mum always includes my dps dc in invites)

Although the OP does say that the couple getting married have not met DSC apart from at the OP’s wedding, and that apart from the children in the wedding party itself, the rest of it is child free.

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2023 17:00

Some of these responses are a bit bonkers. The SC have time with both parents; when they’re with their dad, they’re there to spend time with him. And, by extension, his family. Not to be spending loads of time visiting their dad’s wife’s siblings/cousins. So they don’t know the people getting married and certainly wont regard them as “their family”. Nothing about this is unreasonable. The OP and her DH and her child are going to her relative’s wedding on a week that the DSC are with their mother. What’s unreasonable about that?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2023 17:01

One of those things that you need to do this but unfortunately can’t afford a family holiday abroad in the school hols.

I think she’s probably got over fixated on what is fair or is perhaps projecting some other issue onto this one, as it’s quite obvious you aren’t doing anything wrong.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2023 17:02

Maddy70 · 09/05/2023 16:53

Just tell her it's a family wedding and the dc isn't invited and it's child free apart from those in the wedding party

If this was a normal kind of holiday I would agree with her tbh they should all be treated the same but it's a wedding

Also this

Toomanylatenightprogs · 09/05/2023 17:02

Would your step children really want to go to the wedding of people they’ve never met, or be babysat by someone they’ve never met before if they couldn’t attend the wedding? Most children wouldn’t, unless you’re a bridesmaid weddings are pretty boring for children.
I wouldn’t describe it as a holiday they’re not included in, you’re going to a wedding and the flights are out X day, back Y day as that’s the way they fall.

pam290358 · 09/05/2023 17:04

namechange3394 · 09/05/2023 16:18

I think it's rude to invite half a family to a wedding tbh. I would be upset if my family members didn't invite my DSC and we probably wouldn't go.

Fair enough you think this is fine, but Dsc's mum doesn't, and she's allowed to have that opinion - I think it's a perfectly reasonable one.

The bride and groom don’t know the DSC, and the only children who are going are in the wedding party itself - which is the only reason the OP’s child is going. The rest of the wedding is child free, so why would that not apply to DSC ? The OP has already said they can’t really afford it and parents are covering some of the costs for them. And it sounds as though the only reason DSC’s mum doesn’t think it’s fine is because the OP and her DH can’t accommodate the DSC when she wants. Don’t see the problem.

Original poster

YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:05

Toomanylatenightprogs · 09/05/2023 17:02

I don't think it's the wedding they'd be jealous of but obviously the rest of the time we are going to be there will be spent doing normal holiday type things, pool, beach, meals out etc.. the wedding is only one day over the week and admittedly we have stretched it to a week so we can have a bit of a holiday / break whilst we are over there!

We've not been out there as a family, me and DH for ages and never together with our DC although I've taken our child out there to see my family before but without DH, so I'm looking forward to it.

OP posts:

adriftinadenofvipers · 09/05/2023 17:09

There are some really silly comments here!

The SC were never going to be asked to the wedding, because the only children that are will be in the wedding party. Unless of course you think they should have been included in that too, by a bride and groom who don't know them.... and should the OP's parents have been expected to cough up for their flights as well??

EggInANest · 09/05/2023 17:16

Don’t ever refer to it as a holiday, but as ‘the wedding’.
Be clear that your parents are paying
and that your DH accepted the invite to your parents house for a week because it was not his week with his older kids.

purpleboy · 09/05/2023 17:18

I know it's not the point but we did invite stepchildren of family members we didn't know to our wedding abroad. I just couldn't ignore half a family because I hadn't met them.

I also have a dd who was left out of holidays by dads new girlfriend so I'm probably a bit biased, but I really think it's cruel.

Having said that, the children weren't invited, there is nothing you can do about that.

gettingoldisshit · 09/05/2023 17:20

namechange3394 · 09/05/2023 16:18

I think it's rude to invite half a family to a wedding tbh. I would be upset if my family members didn't invite my DSC and we probably wouldn't go.

Fair enough you think this is fine, but Dsc's mum doesn't, and she's allowed to have that opinion - I think it's a perfectly reasonable one.

What a load of rubbish! This is a child free wedding apart from the children in the wedding party! The bride and groom are hardly going to invite children they don't know to be in the wedding party are they!!! Op you are doing nothing wrong.

wistfullyfocused · 09/05/2023 17:26

Surely this is what happens with blended families? It can't be helped and wasn't intentional.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 09/05/2023 17:30

How old are they?

drpet49 · 09/05/2023 17:31

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 15:56

Absolutely nothing about this is unreasonable. From the fact that it's YOUR family, that the SDC aren't invited because they don't know them, that your family are paying for it, and that it's not over your contact time anyway.

There's nothing wrong with this at all.

This!

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