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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this reasonable? Holiday situation

118 replies

YoHup · 09/05/2023 15:42

My family live abroad (we are in UK) and a close relative is getting married. Me and DH have been invited obviously and although it's a childfree wedding, a few family children are attending as they are in the wedding party (bridesmaids etc..) our DC (3yo) being one of them.

Because of the distance to travel we are staying with family for a week with the wedding happening in the middle.

We are not well off at the moment and haven't been able to afford an abroad holiday for a number of years, my mum and dad are covering a lot of families flights over there and we are staying at their house. I cannot wait as like I say we haven't had a holiday in ages and DC will have a fab time too (there is a pool and stuff there).

My husband's ex has hit the roof basically. She asked us to cover part of this week with DSC but obviously husband has had to say we can't as we are away and why. She is pissed off that we are 'going on holiday' without them when we have never taken them abroad (never been able to afford school holiday prices!) and she thinks it's terrible that we are going with our child and not them.

Tbf she does take them away most years and we never have other than the UK which we do every year but we can't afford it. She also goes away plenty on her own with her partner too but she says that's different because we are taking our child on this one (yes because they are part of the wedding!).

Husband is a bit of a worrier when it comes to his ex as she has on occasion refused to let him see them when she's annoyed at him (although this has never lasted more than a week or two).

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is fine, it's a family event, we aren't paying for it and it won't be every year.

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 09/05/2023 18:26

This thread is Mumsnet dynamite, OP!

On Mumsnet all marrying couples must be allowed only to invite who they want or have a childfree wedding or only feed half the guests as it’s their day and entirely their choice and everyone else has to suck it up.

And yet equally on Mumsnet, step children must always be invited, for every single event, and without any nuance or consideration of what extended family complications there are.

Fascinating to see the explosive combination!

FWIW, it seems completely rational to me that blended families can have flexibility, on occasion. This particular occasion seems straightforward, mostly because the stepchildren have never really become part of your extended family because of distance. If they were going round regularly and were accustomed to being part of your extended family, it would be different, but they’re not.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your stepchildrens’ mum is likely to dramatize the whole thing, which is unhelpful. Managing their expectations and helping them rationalize (for example, they go abroad every year and your DC doesn’t) would be better for everyone.

I see also that she goes away with her partner when she doesn’t have the children there. Really sound like she likes to have everything her own way.

tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 18:27

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 17:53

They've met them once or not at all, it would be weird of them to consider themselves nieces/nephews. They are obviously step mum's family, rather than theirs.

Show quote history

That's the thing with step families. Especially if its an every other weekend plus part of the holidays arrangment. My family live nearish to me but they are not the priority for contact time.

If someone sees their kids every other weekend then lets say 1 in 4 of those they want to take them to their own parents that leaves 1 in 3, then there's other family events, birthdays etc so we're probably down to about 2 weekends every 2 months where you could see the stepparents family but they might be busy or you might want to do something else that weekend.

Blossomtoes · 09/05/2023 18:27

dammit88 · 09/05/2023 17:42

You say ALL nieces and nephews are invited - except your DSC - which suggests they are not seen as part of the family, or certainly not an equal part of the family. Im not sure of the rights and wrongs of this but depending on the age of the child and your relationship with them I can see that this might be a bit sad for them.

Yes, because those children are part of the wedding party. It’s a childfree wedding.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/05/2023 18:32

Surely the point is that only guests invited by the Bride and Groom get to attend a wedding. If they've asked for a childfree wedding they're not going to want extra DC being taken.

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 18:34

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/05/2023 18:11

So does your own DC know them well?

Show quote history

My own DC is their niece (it's my sisters wedding) and we video call a lot, she's been over here a few times, I've been out there before with her too.

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 09/05/2023 18:42

My wider family hardly know DSS, it’s never caused any bad feeling on either side! It’s got to be better than pretending strangers are actually close relatives.

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 18:45

whumpthereitis · 09/05/2023 18:24

Okay? Not every step family operates the way yours did, or wants to.

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I know that.

Was responding to a post saying not everyone understands blended family dynamic

Ailsamary · 09/05/2023 18:45

Problem is that they have extended it into a holiday though. And she has said that they will be doing holiday activities.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 18:52

Was responding to a post saying not everyone understands blended family dynamic

I was saying not everybody understands the dynamic where step children don't really have anything to do with their step parents family.

ELMhouse · 09/05/2023 18:53

YoHup · 09/05/2023 17:43

Yes I guess I don't class DSC as nieces and nephews and clearly neither do my family but I don't think that's odd considering most of my family have never met them. In the same way DSC don't consider my siblings aunt/uncle.

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You keep saying that the ‘bride’ has never met the DSC? How has the bride/bridal party met your child and not your DSC?

I know you can’t help who is invited to a wedding as it’s not up to you, but I would defo stop phrasing this as a ‘holiday’ and rather stick to a wedding as that then does start to split your child and your dsc apart and as a child that can really hurt.

tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 18:56

MeetMyCat · 09/05/2023 18:42

My wider family hardly know DSS, it’s never caused any bad feeling on either side! It’s got to be better than pretending strangers are actually close relatives.

This

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 19:00

ELMhouse · 09/05/2023 18:53

You keep saying that the ‘bride’ has never met the DSC? How has the bride/bridal party met your child and not your DSC?

I know you can’t help who is invited to a wedding as it’s not up to you, but I would defo stop phrasing this as a ‘holiday’ and rather stick to a wedding as that then does start to split your child and your dsc apart and as a child that can really hurt.

Show quote history

This

And the holiday aspect is going to affect your DSC far more than your DC, just because of their respective ages and the context of what you’ve shared.

The focus on power struggle with their mother has eclipsed other things shared about context of holidays for you and your blended family

Original poster
YoHup · 09/05/2023 19:03

You keep saying that the ‘bride’ has never met the DSC? How has the bride/bridal party met your child and not your DSC?

Quite easily, I've been out there before with our DC although not much, I video call her all the time and she's met our DC when she's been in the UK a fair few times. It's just never really corresponded with meeting DSC as well during those times, I don't think it's a priority for anyone really given the distance involved and the relationships.

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 09/05/2023 19:06

As someone said earlier, unless you’re a step parent you probably won’t understand that your step children, particularly if they’re with you EOW for example, don’t automatically meet all your relatives. Why would they? Why try to force relationships?

FloweryName · 09/05/2023 19:13

I can understand completely why the ex is pissed off if she needs help from the father of her children so that he can work but he’s going on a free holiday instead.

Sadly it’s just part of the shit that goes along with people creating step families, but that doesn’t mean it’s always going to be easy to deal with.

MeetMyCat · 09/05/2023 19:16

FloweryName · 09/05/2023 19:13

I can understand completely why the ex is pissed off if she needs help from the father of her children so that he can work but he’s going on a free holiday instead.

Sadly it’s just part of the shit that goes along with people creating step families, but that doesn’t mean it’s always going to be easy to deal with.

I think the OP said the trip didn’t coincide with their days to have the step children, so in theory the DH could go to the moon if he wanted?

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 19:17

I think, when a lot of SP have a DC that is a half sibling to their SC they really do blend. Even get quite angry with own family of origin that won’t recognise their SC. There’s a lot of variation of course, but that’s what I’ve seen on threads here.

Even on this thread a SM says she wouldn’t attend if her SC weren’t invited.

Of course it’s individual choice but some posters here have tentatively suggested the affect on relationships going forward. SC will meet sister at some point? DC is only 3 now - but they’ll see photos later on and notice absence of their siblings.

cordelia16 · 09/05/2023 19:18

MeetMyCat · 09/05/2023 19:16

I think the OP said the trip didn’t coincide with their days to have the step children, so in theory the DH could go to the moon if he wanted?

Show quote history

Yes, and she has a partner who can surely help?

whynotwhatknot · 09/05/2023 19:22

here we go evil step parents time

if the wedding was in hull would she or anyone else feel the same-no

youve ruined her plans she doesnt like it so is making up shit about it being unfair

whumpthereitis · 09/05/2023 19:22

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 19:17

I think, when a lot of SP have a DC that is a half sibling to their SC they really do blend. Even get quite angry with own family of origin that won’t recognise their SC. There’s a lot of variation of course, but that’s what I’ve seen on threads here.

Even on this thread a SM says she wouldn’t attend if her SC weren’t invited.

Of course it’s individual choice but some posters here have tentatively suggested the affect on relationships going forward. SC will meet sister at some point? DC is only 3 now - but they’ll see photos later on and notice absence of their siblings.

Presumably all the children understand, or will understand, that they may be siblings but they don’t share all the same family members, and as such will have different relationships.

waterrat · 09/05/2023 19:23

OP - the wedding is a small part of the holiday - can't your step kids come for the holiday?

Surely it's a cheap way of giving them a nice holiday - could you afford to pay for their flights ??

I can't imagine as a parent going on a nice holiday like this and not taking some of my children. Particularly if it's not something I was usually able to do.

whynotwhatknot · 09/05/2023 19:24

FloweryName · 09/05/2023 19:13

I can understand completely why the ex is pissed off if she needs help from the father of her children so that he can work but he’s going on a free holiday instead.

Sadly it’s just part of the shit that goes along with people creating step families, but that doesn’t mean it’s always going to be easy to deal with.

Maybe learn to read

GOW56 · 09/05/2023 19:31

OP - the wedding is a small part of the holiday - can't your step kids come for the holiday?
And who will look after them during the wedding? OP is staying at her parents house would there be room for 2 extra people? Also flights for two extra people are expensive OP has said her parents are contributing to her flights they can't be expected to also pay for two extra.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 19:31

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 19:17

I think, when a lot of SP have a DC that is a half sibling to their SC they really do blend. Even get quite angry with own family of origin that won’t recognise their SC. There’s a lot of variation of course, but that’s what I’ve seen on threads here.

Even on this thread a SM says she wouldn’t attend if her SC weren’t invited.

Of course it’s individual choice but some posters here have tentatively suggested the affect on relationships going forward. SC will meet sister at some point? DC is only 3 now - but they’ll see photos later on and notice absence of their siblings.

And more have said that they wouldn't expect SC to be invited. I certainly would not be angry if they weren't, I'd be surprised if they were.

And no I can't imagine why SC would see pictures, why would they unless you showed them or hung them on your wall? And if my DSS did see my DD's at an event with my family, it would be no different to him than the events he goes to with his mum's family.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2023 19:33

You keep saying that the ‘bride’ has never met the DSC? How has the bride/bridal party met your child and not your DSC?

Weird question with an obvious answer - the SC don't live there all the time.

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