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Original poster

Would you leave/have a break from your husband for this?

101 replies

sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 09:49

Hi,

Name changed for this.

So I've been with my husband for 7 years. Married for 2 in July. He's always been the sort of person to lie and I did question ever marrying him to be honest.

I found out last year that he had a credit card with £6k on. I knew he had a credit card but was under the impression it had just been paid off every month.

This weekend I saw him using a card I hadn't seen before to which I later when borrowing his wallet to go to the shop found it was another credit card. I asked him about this and this has another just under £6k on. I'm absolutely livid.

I've just started working full time to help with money and I'm so tired and stressed all the time. We have a 4yo and 1yo. I'm doing side hustles to try and help too. But feel like this has all been thrown onto me and I didn't even know about it.

We booked a holiday but I've told him to cancel it which makes me sad as my daughter was so excited.

He's always been a bit of a liar and not told the truth about things and I'm seriously questioning our marriage.

I've told him to go to his mums for a few days but he doesn't want too.

I could honestly leave him right now I'm so angry. He gets really shouty and annoyed at the kids too as a side note which I hate.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I'm strong enough to kick him out as I feel bad and what if he did something stupid then it would be my fault.

I'm just looking for opinions as I don't want to talk to my friends about this as I'm embarrassed.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 09/05/2023 09:51

Doesn’t sound like the trust is there anymore. Is he in any way remorseful for this unexplained debt?

Xrays · 09/05/2023 09:51

Personally I’d find the shouting at the kids harder to cope with than the debt.

What has he been spending on? Is it because he isn’t earning enough to cover the basics or is it excess spending? Do you share finances?

OrwellianTimes · 09/05/2023 09:52

“what if he did something stupid then it would be my fault”

that sound like emotional blackmail- has he ever said that to you?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 09/05/2023 09:52

Doesn't sound like the trust has ever been there as he has always lied.

I couldn't stay with a person who raked up debt and didn't tell me.

I honestly would call an end to the marriage, but not just because of the debt.

7Worfs · 09/05/2023 09:53

He’s shouting and getting angry at 1yo and 4yo children, is manipulative and is secretly destroying your family’s financial position.

You know what you need to do.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2023 09:53

If there's no trust then there's no relationship.
Lying sounds like an intrinsic part of his personality, I wouldn't be able to build a future with someone like that.

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2023 09:55

I think it depends. Do you usually have financial transparency? Who manages the bills? Do you share the bill organising? Do you both talk about finances and spending?

NurseCranesRolodex · 09/05/2023 09:56

I could honestly leave him right now I'm so angry. He gets really shouty and annoyed at the kids too as a side note which I hate.

Doesn't sound like you are angry enough. This guy sounds like a lying, duplicitous selfish bastard. Think about your DC. If you were apart and he paid maintenance you would be able to ensure your little ones were looked after. Guys like this are overgrown man babies who treat debt like personal pocket money and female partners like Mummies.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2023 09:56

The shouting at the kids would be my bigger worry too!

He shouldn’t be misleading you about debt though, so that is also a good reason to be unhappy.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 09:57

You have a massive mistake in marrying him, and you know this. The sooner you end it, the better it will be for everyone involved.

billy1966 · 09/05/2023 09:58

OP,

Leave.

He's a liar.

Always has been, always will be.

You chose badly and you know it.

Get out now before he drags you into the gutter.

If he does something????? That will be on HIM and just more of his selfish bullshit.

You are being buried by him in HIS debt.

This is your future if you don't pull the plug.

Your children will be raised in a deeply stressful environment and it will destroy them and their childhood.

A shouty father who financially abuses his family.

A mother run ragged trying to keep the house going.

Don't do it to yourself and your children.

You know he's a dud.

Accept the mistake and don't allow your life and that of your children to be defined by it.

Get him out.

SpacePotato · 09/05/2023 09:58

I would leave.

You'll end up paying his debts forever and losing everything.

So many threads on here from women who've ended up losing their homes etc to their husband's hidden debts.

DucksNewburyport · 09/05/2023 09:59

He's a liar, he runs up debts and hides them, he shouts at the kids and it doesn't sound like he's apologetic about any of this. Ditch him OP.

Stratocumulus · 09/05/2023 10:00

Calm down take a breath and set aside time for an adult debt management conversation with him. Hopefully he will be agreeable to this and you can plan a way forward. If necessary get in touch with one of the debt management charities for advice.

it might help, for financial transparency, to know what the heck he’s spending this money on? Do you know?

If the talk doesn’t work or he’s resistant to forward plan, cut up the cards etc, then you might feel you’ve done your best and can plan an exit.

WibblyWobblyWineyTimey · 09/05/2023 10:00

No one’s asked the question so I will, any ideas what he’s spending all that money on? Surely you’d notice thousands of pounds worth of stuff? If you haven’t… where is it going? Gambling, drugs, other woman? It’s going somewhere and I’d try and find out if I were you, it could be anything!

N4ish · 09/05/2023 10:03

The shouting at tiny children would be the deal breaker for me. If the debt was the only issue and everything else was good I'd probably try to find a way to work through it together.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 10:05

N4ish · 09/05/2023 10:03

The shouting at tiny children would be the deal breaker for me. If the debt was the only issue and everything else was good I'd probably try to find a way to work through it together.

The debt already isn't the only issue. The man is a liar who can't be trusted. That's the issue.

shelbabab · 09/05/2023 10:05

He needs to come clean about all it it. Cards on the table (quite literally) CUT THEM UP.

I'd be telling him the marriage is at stake and u will be taking care of the finances from now on. All money pooled together and standing order for an allowance (same amount for both of u).

If he doesn't seem sorry and agree to this I'd have to seriously think of leaving.

You are not responsible for his actions, he is. If u need to kick him out or leave then don't worry about what he might do.

randomuser2020 · 09/05/2023 10:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

randomuser2020 · 09/05/2023 10:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

AuntieJune · 09/05/2023 10:14

Things that jump out:
He's got £12k in debt - what was the money spent on
He's shouty with the kids - is this poor parenting skills or is he massively stressed/depressed
You're worried he'd do something (ie self harm or suicide) if you left him - has he threatened this? Do you think he's depressed?
He's been watching you put in extra hours to raise more money but still has unexplained debt

First off - no one is ever responsible for another person's decision to self harm or kill themselves. That's that person's decision alone. You can't go through life thinking you're responsible for someone else's decisions about that.

Secondly - yep, he's not covered himself with glory and I'd be livid the same as you. The question is - what's actually going on?

I could imagine he might be thinking he needs to be the breadwinner, but can't quite earn enough, gets into debt that way, massively stressed and depressed and worried about the effect on you, doesn't want to tell you, can't talk to anyone, bottles it up, loses temper with kids easily etc - that's one scenario.

Another scenario is that family life is hard and he can't be arsed putting the effort in and making the sacrifices needed so he buys god knows what - food, clothes, entertainment or even other women and nights out etc on credit cards and keeps it secret from you because he knows you can't afford to do the same. And is snappy because he doesn't want to be found out and have to face the music.

You need to get to the bottom of why the debt came about, why he didn't tell you about it, what's actually going on.

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 10:14

He's always been a bit of a liar, you questioned marrying him in the first place, he's racked up debt iin secret (which is joint debt as you are married, and if you divorce you will be liable for half of this debt and any other debt accrued by him) and most worryingly he gets angry and shouts at the kids. There are several issues going on here.

Contact a Debt Management charity (I think there's one called Step Change but someone will have a better clue on this) and get some specific advice.

Try and stay very calm and see if you can get him to share the full picture, sit down at the kitchen table and ask him to put you in the picture, no judgement. Make sure you've got all the info, all the monthly household payments and any debts, any savings, all earnings, and pension info.

Then book an appointment with a solicitor, and find out what the situation would be likely to look like should you divorce in the current financial situation.

Then you can make up your mind about what you need to do and when, as the angry shouting is more damaging than the cancelled holiday disappointment.

Luckydip1 · 09/05/2023 10:16

People like this never change.

DidyouNO · 09/05/2023 10:23

I married a man who would tell 'little' lies. Have you put the washing on?, 'yes' then he'd rush downstairs to do it because he hadn't. He got worse and worse. Would lie then laugh about it and not even try to correct it. Then he started with credit cards. He didn't 'lie' apparently. He just failed to mention them. Then he started cheating. Because he had always got away with holding things back, lying to cover his arse and getting away Scot free. I divorced him. He's never changed.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2023 10:25

7Worfs · Today 09:53
He’s shouting and getting angry at 1yo and 4yo children, is manipulative and is secretly destroying your family’s financial position.

You know what you need to do”

This. Is he gambling?