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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you leave/have a break from your husband for this?

101 replies

sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 09:49

Hi,

Name changed for this.

So I've been with my husband for 7 years. Married for 2 in July. He's always been the sort of person to lie and I did question ever marrying him to be honest.

I found out last year that he had a credit card with £6k on. I knew he had a credit card but was under the impression it had just been paid off every month.

This weekend I saw him using a card I hadn't seen before to which I later when borrowing his wallet to go to the shop found it was another credit card. I asked him about this and this has another just under £6k on. I'm absolutely livid.

I've just started working full time to help with money and I'm so tired and stressed all the time. We have a 4yo and 1yo. I'm doing side hustles to try and help too. But feel like this has all been thrown onto me and I didn't even know about it.

We booked a holiday but I've told him to cancel it which makes me sad as my daughter was so excited.

He's always been a bit of a liar and not told the truth about things and I'm seriously questioning our marriage.

I've told him to go to his mums for a few days but he doesn't want too.

I could honestly leave him right now I'm so angry. He gets really shouty and annoyed at the kids too as a side note which I hate.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I'm strong enough to kick him out as I feel bad and what if he did something stupid then it would be my fault.

I'm just looking for opinions as I don't want to talk to my friends about this as I'm embarrassed.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
randomuser2020 · 09/05/2023 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:37

OrwellianTimes · 09/05/2023 09:52

“what if he did something stupid then it would be my fault”

that sound like emotional blackmail- has he ever said that to you?

Not in those words exactly! More like I don't know what I would do with life without you and the kids. I've just been through a lot of mental health myself so always worry about that

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:39

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2023 09:55

I think it depends. Do you usually have financial transparency? Who manages the bills? Do you share the bill organising? Do you both talk about finances and spending?

To be fair we both haven't been great with finances. And his family have never ever talked about these things or anything at all like that which hasn't helped.

OP posts:
randomuser2020 · 09/05/2023 22:40

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:42

Stratocumulus · 09/05/2023 10:00

Calm down take a breath and set aside time for an adult debt management conversation with him. Hopefully he will be agreeable to this and you can plan a way forward. If necessary get in touch with one of the debt management charities for advice.

it might help, for financial transparency, to know what the heck he’s spending this money on? Do you know?

If the talk doesn’t work or he’s resistant to forward plan, cut up the cards etc, then you might feel you’ve done your best and can plan an exit.

Thank you so much.

This was probably one of the better comments. This is basically what my plan is. If things don't change it's done!

OP posts:
SheSaidHummingbird · 09/05/2023 22:43

This will be just the tip of the iceberg.

Look around you. Do you see 12K worth of investments? Home improvments? Gifts for you and your children?

Or was the money spent impulsively on things for his own benefit? Gambling? Drugs?

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:47

AuntieJune · 09/05/2023 10:14

Things that jump out:
He's got £12k in debt - what was the money spent on
He's shouty with the kids - is this poor parenting skills or is he massively stressed/depressed
You're worried he'd do something (ie self harm or suicide) if you left him - has he threatened this? Do you think he's depressed?
He's been watching you put in extra hours to raise more money but still has unexplained debt

First off - no one is ever responsible for another person's decision to self harm or kill themselves. That's that person's decision alone. You can't go through life thinking you're responsible for someone else's decisions about that.

Secondly - yep, he's not covered himself with glory and I'd be livid the same as you. The question is - what's actually going on?

I could imagine he might be thinking he needs to be the breadwinner, but can't quite earn enough, gets into debt that way, massively stressed and depressed and worried about the effect on you, doesn't want to tell you, can't talk to anyone, bottles it up, loses temper with kids easily etc - that's one scenario.

Another scenario is that family life is hard and he can't be arsed putting the effort in and making the sacrifices needed so he buys god knows what - food, clothes, entertainment or even other women and nights out etc on credit cards and keeps it secret from you because he knows you can't afford to do the same. And is snappy because he doesn't want to be found out and have to face the music.

You need to get to the bottom of why the debt came about, why he didn't tell you about it, what's actually going on.

Thank you @AuntieJune

I strongly believed the breadwinner situation is spot on. As I know him as a person and I would be surprised if he was doing anything maliciously. However we will find out when I see the bank statements.

If it was another woman there would be no chance I'd be out the door. That's the one thing I would never be able to get over especially if it was debt and another woman. I really don't think it is but who knows what he could lie about ☹️ my heart just really hurts

OP posts:
tenbob · 09/05/2023 22:47

What is annual income? What is your general financial situation like?

Unless he is on NMW, it’s not a catastrophic amount, and this could be a big wake up call for him, especially if he is getting debt counselling and financial management advice from Stepchange

FiddleLeaf · 09/05/2023 22:47

I would insist on seeing his credit rating. You can try ClearScore or MSE for starters. It’ll show all of his credit agreements & whether there’s more to this.

Personally, I couldn’t be in a relationship like this. He sounds more like a wayward teenager lying to his mum/you than your partner. And to hell with working extra hours to cover his ass. He should be dealing with the result of his actions.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/05/2023 22:52

It's still really unclear to me what he sent that amount of money on, because thst might be a big problem.

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:56

SheSaidHummingbird · 09/05/2023 22:43

This will be just the tip of the iceberg.

Look around you. Do you see 12K worth of investments? Home improvments? Gifts for you and your children?

Or was the money spent impulsively on things for his own benefit? Gambling? Drugs?

I really really believe and hope it wasn't drugs. He just isn't that sort of person but who knows anymore?!

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:58

tenbob · 09/05/2023 22:47

What is annual income? What is your general financial situation like?

Unless he is on NMW, it’s not a catastrophic amount, and this could be a big wake up call for him, especially if he is getting debt counselling and financial management advice from Stepchange

We do okay especially now with both working full time. Just over £50k before tax.

I think you are right it could be a big wake up call. I have forgiven him far too easily in the past for little things I should think he thinks I will for this but I certainly won't.

We will see what he does. But he knows there's no more chances if I find out there's anything else its over.

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 09/05/2023 23:08

Yes I think you're right to want to see the statements to know what the money has actually gone on. I think it's likely stress from the debt has been impacting on him at home and has possibly affected his approach to your older child too. Often when people tell small white lies that aren't particularly malicious or harmful t's because they have low self esteem or are used to an upbringing where any reactions to mistakes etc were overly dramatic so they can become fearful of judgement or reactions even as an adult without knowing why.

Or... it can be a form of gaslighting and mismanagement of money can be a form of control and abuse in itself. You say your gut tells you it's not that type of malicious intenention so I'm taking that at face value.

I think you sit down with him. Go through the money. And then plan out a budget. I would tbh go for couples counselling to help you both improve your communication and help him to understand why he lies about things and why he couldn't come to you about this. It might reassure him and help you get on the same page as a team.

I would work out a repayment plan that works for the entire family but I do think bulk of it should come from him sacrificing at least some of his luxuries since he ran up the debt and was irresponsible. But its a big debt so it depends on how fast you need it to be paid off. I'd also open a savings account and pay into it while you're paying off the loan so that if something untoward happens while you're repaying you aren't tempted to take out more credit or miss a repayment which would affect your credit rating.

I think there's more than one way to betray trust than cheating and he needs to work to regain your trust now. Obviously he's remorseful but unless he takes action to get in control of things and start communicating better then it means very little. I think there needs to be a blanket agreement that no financial decisions will be made without prior discussion and agreement between you both.

Boomboom22 · 09/05/2023 23:13

I think it entirely depends what he spent it on. Household expenses that are necessary or not excessive, fine you can deal with that and his stress. Stuff for himself secretly? Not so much.

PimpMyFridge · 09/05/2023 23:18

"So I've been with my husband for 7 years. Married for 2 in July. He's always been the sort of person to lie and I did question ever marrying him to be honest."

Well it started like this and isn't going to get any better, he isn't going to change who he is, so this is your life unless you step away.

The foundation of your joint life is deceit. So you either try to 'manage' him and limit the damage he will wreak (exhausting and probably doomed to fail), or you bail.

unsync · 09/05/2023 23:26

You need to see his credit file, nor just statements. This will show all his credit cards, loans etc.

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 23:26

Ilovetea42 · 09/05/2023 23:08

Yes I think you're right to want to see the statements to know what the money has actually gone on. I think it's likely stress from the debt has been impacting on him at home and has possibly affected his approach to your older child too. Often when people tell small white lies that aren't particularly malicious or harmful t's because they have low self esteem or are used to an upbringing where any reactions to mistakes etc were overly dramatic so they can become fearful of judgement or reactions even as an adult without knowing why.

Or... it can be a form of gaslighting and mismanagement of money can be a form of control and abuse in itself. You say your gut tells you it's not that type of malicious intenention so I'm taking that at face value.

I think you sit down with him. Go through the money. And then plan out a budget. I would tbh go for couples counselling to help you both improve your communication and help him to understand why he lies about things and why he couldn't come to you about this. It might reassure him and help you get on the same page as a team.

I would work out a repayment plan that works for the entire family but I do think bulk of it should come from him sacrificing at least some of his luxuries since he ran up the debt and was irresponsible. But its a big debt so it depends on how fast you need it to be paid off. I'd also open a savings account and pay into it while you're paying off the loan so that if something untoward happens while you're repaying you aren't tempted to take out more credit or miss a repayment which would affect your credit rating.

I think there's more than one way to betray trust than cheating and he needs to work to regain your trust now. Obviously he's remorseful but unless he takes action to get in control of things and start communicating better then it means very little. I think there needs to be a blanket agreement that no financial decisions will be made without prior discussion and agreement between you both.

Thank you so much!

This is my plan of action basically but if it happens again it's done and he needs to know that so I won't be nicey nicey about this.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 09/05/2023 23:35

The trouble with saying "if it happens again " is you won't be aware until another massive debt is built up.
You've said he'd always told little lies, which normally build to much bigger lies, and you can never trust a liar.

Hope it all works out for you OP but I'd never fully trust him again.

EllandRd · 09/05/2023 23:47

None of your business if he has credit cards, you don't own him.

itsrainin · 09/05/2023 23:49

So he’s £12k in secret debt? Yes, that is something that would have me questioning the marriage. £6k is at least somewhat manageable but I’d find £12k to be really stressful

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 23:55

EllandRd · 09/05/2023 23:47

None of your business if he has credit cards, you don't own him.

Alright keyboard warrior. It is my fucking business when it's my children who are involved. You absolute a**hole.

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 23:56

itsrainin · 09/05/2023 23:49

So he’s £12k in secret debt? Yes, that is something that would have me questioning the marriage. £6k is at least somewhat manageable but I’d find £12k to be really stressful

I feel exactly the same. The £6k felt manageable and I was like fine we can deal with this. But another £6k and he's lied about it. Just makes me worry what if there's more!

OP posts:
randomuser2020 · 09/05/2023 23:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2023 00:10

I wouldn't be married to a liar, especially when it came to lying about money.

Lying about debt seems so easy, but it's such a slippery slope and leads to such disasters.

AutumnCrow · 10/05/2023 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

It's ridiculous, isn't it? How could anyone actually miss this from the actual opening post

I've just started working full time to help with money and I'm so tired and stressed all the time. We have a 4yo and 1yo. I'm doing side hustles to try and help too.