Would you leave/have a break from your husband for this?

[sofedup2]

Hi,

Name changed for this.

So I've been with my husband for 7 years. Married for 2 in July. He's always been the sort of person to lie and I did question ever marrying him to be honest.

I found out last year that he had a credit card with £6k on. I knew he had a credit card but was under the impression it had just been paid off every month.

This weekend I saw him using a card I hadn't seen before to which I later when borrowing his wallet to go to the shop found it was another credit card. I asked him about this and this has another just under £6k on. I'm absolutely livid.

I've just started working full time to help with money and I'm so tired and stressed all the time. We have a 4yo and 1yo. I'm doing side hustles to try and help too. But feel like this has all been thrown onto me and I didn't even know about it.

We booked a holiday but I've told him to cancel it which makes me sad as my daughter was so excited.

He's always been a bit of a liar and not told the truth about things and I'm seriously questioning our marriage.

I've told him to go to his mums for a few days but he doesn't want too.

I could honestly leave him right now I'm so angry. He gets really shouty and annoyed at the kids too as a side note which I hate.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I'm strong enough to kick him out as I feel bad and what if he did something stupid then it would be my fault.

I'm just looking for opinions as I don't want to talk to my friends about this as I'm embarrassed.

Thanks in advance xx

However we will find out when I see the bank statements.

I'm astounded you don't have access to them as a matter of course.

You're supposed to be a team. You have two young children together.

When I was married we had total transparency on money matters, outgoings, income, etc. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Now I'm divorced, and being in the internet age I have up to date info on my all my bank and credit card info, bills etc. in a few clicks 24/7.

Couldn't live with a man who was not transparent, life, money etc.

Wishing you all the best OP.

He has agreed to show me credit card/bank statements so will see what they show.

He needs to show you his credit report too. It would be all too easy for him to select the statements for 'just' the cards you know about. He may even have another bank account he doesn't show you. If he won't let you see the credit report, it's time to leave. It means that whatever he's shown you, it's not the full story.

He has not told you the whole truth even now. There will be more debt. He will just get better at hiding it. Or worse. Do you own your own home?

Hills are that way >>>>>>>> starting running

If you haven’t done so already, you should check you credit score, and if you can, his too. Be very sure that there is no debt in your name.

I would be very surprised if those are the only two cards.

@sofedup2 I hope it isn't drugs, either. But has or that money being spent on you, his wife, or your children? Or has it been invested in the house?

Or, has he spent it selfishly?

Do you even know?

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Did you not wonder how you all were affording things when the family was on just one income? If with two incomes you are now on £50k as a family, I’m assuming it would have been difficult for a family of 4 to live comfortably say on £35k.

I couldn't be in a marriage with someone I knew was lying/ had lied to me. It goes against everything that I think marriage should be.

This is a great idea.

It is very much OPs business if her husband is running up debts on the credit cards, because she's married to him, and any debt is marital, ie also her responsibility.

Has he explained where it has gone op? My ex spent his on golf and the pub. Very much my business when I was borrowing off family to pay essential bills...

To be fair my partner and I both have credit cards the other doesn't know about. Our finances are our own business and don't effect each other. His debts are his own problem. Maybe we are just more relaxed about it but neither of us feel a need to tell eachother what cards we have and what's on them. Does him having credit card debt impact on you directly?

Are you married?

I believe if you are married you become responsible for it too ☹️ hence my concerns!

If you are married any assets, as well as any debts are marital ie both of your responsibility

i would get legal advice about if any of the debt would come to you in the case of divorce, but tbh, marrying him if you were having doubts was a bit daft. Although probably for the better since you already had one child.

Can you go somewhere for a week or two, with the DCs? Have a think about what it is you want from this relationship, and how much of it you are realistically going to get from him. Think about compromises you would be prepared to make.

But in your shoes? I'd be planning my exit strategy.

Not if they are not in shared name afaik. Personal debts are personal debts.

In case of divorce, the assets and debts are marital.

It is OP's business because if they were to divorce then half the debt becomes hers since they are married.

When I separated from ex we were not married and the solicitor said that was a good thing considering his debt.

My ex didn't change.

I think if OP can show that in some respects they have shared finances, but in others not, she is less likely to have to take on this debt if she split from her DH.

But it is always worth getting legal advice.

One thing I'd add, OP, is if you decide to stay (It seems you're veering that way) you should agree on either complete shared finances & transparency, or you each contribute in an agreed way to household bills and everything above that, is yours to do with as you like (but again, I'd check how that stands, legally, should your DH build up a load of secret debt and you decide to hit the high road)

Yes but that doesn't mean responsibility. The courts look at why and how the debt happen.
If it is not joint and was spent on personal stuff eg watch, gambling etc, the court will most likely keep responsibility to the person, not divvy it up.
Personal debts gets divided between couple if both or the overal family unit benefitted. Eg house repairs, family holidays, daily household expenditure.

So it would depend what this one spent the money on

I'm married, and we made the decision right at the beginning to keep our finances completely separate - as long as the bills (and the joint mortgage) are paid, whatever else we earn is ours to do with as we please and not be questioned.

That doesn't mean we don't share stuff, or help each other out - just that it's not done in a possessive or I-have-a-right-to-this manner (eg I bought DP a car and paid for the initial repairs last year, because that need was more important than anything I was going to spend the money on).

That's why, when I 'fessed up about the gambling and what I planned to do about it, there was no lecturing or moralising about it, just happiness and moving on. I really don't understand why anybody would do it differently, because it only ever seems to result in more negativity than would otherwise be there - best-case, it can only ever be neutral.

This.

I wouldn't believe a word from his mouth.

He's a liar.

Once a liar, always a liar.

OP, I understand you want to save your marriage, but this will be your life going forward, never trusting, never feeling peaceful.

It's an awful life, and a dreadful environment for children.

You deserve better.

You need to protect yourself and your children.

What does he spent that much money on, can he show you what it’s gone too? Also what is his react to this coming to light? Remorseful? I personally would forgive my husband if he lied to me as a one off debt out of embarrassment or shame etc, but I would not tolerate him being a constant liar, that is a horrible personality trait/problem.

I think you either have to see a psychologist together and work on this and he has to commit to being honest to you as his wife or it just won’t work. The shouting at the kids sucks, my husband and I always call each other out if we are too harsh and are constantly trying to be better. I think everyone makes mistakes if he is trying his best as a dad that’s the main thing but if he constantly yells and doesn’t care I wouldn’t be able to parent with someone like this, the lying is the cherry on top.

So I've been at my mums for a few days but need to go home at least Saturday morning as the children have clubs on Saturday and my mum lives 1.5 hours from me.

I don't even know where my head is at. I feel like I need to run for the hills. But how would I afford the mortgage?

I can just about scrape together for childcare and bills but the mortgage I would struggle.

Would I be entitled to UC?

@sofedup2

I'm unsure if someone else has suggested this (I've really read your posts) but do check online with, eg: Equifax or Experian, if there's any other debt he may have but is still too afraid to tell you about.

Regarding UC, someone else may be able to give you the facts but you can also check on www.entitledto.co.uk. You also need to claim child maintenance from him and I'm assuming you get child benefit paid directly to you. Also don't forget to claim your 25% single adult discount on your council tax. You can do that online on your council's website.

Hope you're OK and good luck for the conversation to come. 🌹