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Original poster

Would you leave/have a break from your husband for this?

101 replies

sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 09:49

Hi,

Name changed for this.

So I've been with my husband for 7 years. Married for 2 in July. He's always been the sort of person to lie and I did question ever marrying him to be honest.

I found out last year that he had a credit card with £6k on. I knew he had a credit card but was under the impression it had just been paid off every month.

This weekend I saw him using a card I hadn't seen before to which I later when borrowing his wallet to go to the shop found it was another credit card. I asked him about this and this has another just under £6k on. I'm absolutely livid.

I've just started working full time to help with money and I'm so tired and stressed all the time. We have a 4yo and 1yo. I'm doing side hustles to try and help too. But feel like this has all been thrown onto me and I didn't even know about it.

We booked a holiday but I've told him to cancel it which makes me sad as my daughter was so excited.

He's always been a bit of a liar and not told the truth about things and I'm seriously questioning our marriage.

I've told him to go to his mums for a few days but he doesn't want too.

I could honestly leave him right now I'm so angry. He gets really shouty and annoyed at the kids too as a side note which I hate.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I'm strong enough to kick him out as I feel bad and what if he did something stupid then it would be my fault.

I'm just looking for opinions as I don't want to talk to my friends about this as I'm embarrassed.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 09/05/2023 10:52

He is spending like a King and you are running around like a fool trying to keep a roof over your children's head and food in their bellies! What will make you understand how serious this is, When you and the children have to go without new clothes that are needed or when there is no food in the house or will you wait until the debt collectors turn up to take your things or will you finally say enough is enough when the eviction notice comes in ? This is the life you are setting yourself and your children up for if you stay. Your choice OP you choose your children's childhood.

barbarahunter · 09/05/2023 11:20

I married a liar and they are not capable of change. Don't let him drag you down, because he will if you stay. Your life will be full of uncertainties, bailiffs at the door and final demands on debt you didn't even know about. You will never be able to save, you will never have a nice future to look forwards to. I know because I've been there along with countless others who trusted.

Let him threaten all he likes. You will feel such a lightness when you finally get rid of him. Sounds like you'll be doing your children a favour too if you divorce him.

Whatonearthisgoingonnnn · 09/05/2023 11:25

He has 2 credit cards with £6k on each one? Am I reading that right?

If so - I’d need to know exactly what those cards were used for and how the debt was accrued

On a further note, if you do a credit check such as with Credit Karma, money supermarket etc, any existing debts will show up on those. If he has lied to you about having these 2 cards, there is the possibility that he has more. And even worse, potentially secured debt on your property

xyxygy · 09/05/2023 11:33

Luckydip1 · 09/05/2023 10:16

People like this never change.

Sure they do.

I was exactly the same - credit cards and loans up to my eyeballs, never catching a break, stressed as hell, leading to shouting over trivial rubbish, all because of a gambling problem, and I lied to hide it because of the shame.

Was.

Now I'm looking at the end of the debt, all sources of stress have been removed from our lives (both financial and non-financial), the gambling's gone, and life is good. And, believe it or not, none of it was down to DP - it was just the fact that I didn't want either of us to have that life any more.

It's hard, but it can be done.

Poppyblush · 09/05/2023 11:39

Leave.

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2023 11:42

Has he got life insurance?!

CalistoNoSolo · 09/05/2023 11:45

You married and had children with a known liar. Said liar turns out to be a nasty person too (suprise surprise). It's clearly not going to get better is it? And will probably get much worse. Kick him out before you invest any more time/money into your dead relationship.

steppemum · 09/05/2023 12:12

xyxygy · 09/05/2023 11:33

Sure they do.

I was exactly the same - credit cards and loans up to my eyeballs, never catching a break, stressed as hell, leading to shouting over trivial rubbish, all because of a gambling problem, and I lied to hide it because of the shame.

Was.

Now I'm looking at the end of the debt, all sources of stress have been removed from our lives (both financial and non-financial), the gambling's gone, and life is good. And, believe it or not, none of it was down to DP - it was just the fact that I didn't want either of us to have that life any more.

It's hard, but it can be done.

Show quote history

It is amazing that you have turned your life around and I have seen a couple of people do this.
But the vast majority don't.
And when they do it is always because th eperson reaches the point where they want to change. It doesn't sound like the OP's dh is in that place.

So I would leave, or make him leave.

The marriage is over, there is no trust and he is effectively stealing the food out of the mouths of your kids with his debt. And watching you working longer hours to try and cover it. He is a slimeball.

Like others have said I would want to know what the money is going on too.

Leave. If he miraculously changes and turns his life around I would be telling him - 2 years clean and straight and then we can try again.

caringcarer · 09/05/2023 13:20

You need to have that conversation with him. Ask him to be totally honest with you about how much debt he has. Ask him to cut cards up in front of you, whilst he pays the debt down. If he refuses you know he does not care about your worries. You need to make him see how serious it is. Find out what he has spent money on. Is he gambling? It sounds like a lot of money to be spent in a relatively short time.

onefinemess · 09/05/2023 13:34

Depends on how much money the debt is in relation to his income.

12k might be nothing to some people.

And not all debit is bad.

Debt builds credit, which if used responsibly can make your life much easier.

Is it unaffordable debt?

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 09/05/2023 13:39

Sounds very stressful. Do you think there is hope to re build your relationship or is it time to go your separate ways? Think that's the big question here

Crunchymum · 09/05/2023 13:42

Do you usually have financial transparency?

I'm guessing not if he's got secret credit cards.

@sofedup2 you can do better for your kids by having a lying, miserable, manipulative man ruining all your lives.

Bonbon21 · 09/05/2023 13:43

He is a liar.
He got into £6k debt.
He is a liar
He got into another £6k debt.
And if he does something to himself it will be you fault?
Does that mean he thinks the £12k debt is your fault too?
He needs to grow up.
And you need to let him.
All by himself.

And he is still a liar.

5128gap · 09/05/2023 13:45

I wouldn't necessarily leave some one for running up debt. I would however leave someone who's 'a bit of a liar'.

barbarahunter · 09/05/2023 13:49

The trouble with liars is that you can't believe you've ever found out the full truth of everything they've done/owe. To this day, I am convinced that I only ever knew the tip of the iceberg with my ex's lies.

Plus, you're never sure how wide-ranging the lies are: Is it 'only' money? Or is it other women? Driving offences? Is he actually going to work or is he pretending to have a job?

All of the above featured in the lies told by my jerk ex. AND they're the ones I found out about. Goodness knows what I never uncovered.

Take back a liar?? Get away from him now, OP!

Turfwars · 09/05/2023 13:54

What is he spending it on?

Luckydip1 · 09/05/2023 21:37

There are two aspects of this, the deceit and the overspending.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/05/2023 21:41

You need to end the relationship. It will just get worse.

IamRoyFuckingKent · 09/05/2023 21:45

Hang on, the Ltb crowd are out in force!

Do you work? Why not? Is it all on him?

Don’t just LTB, have a conversation fgs.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 09/05/2023 21:50

I divorced my dh for being deceitful about money. His wages and his spending...
Best decision I made..
You need to get a financial severance ASAP when you file for divorce.. If you don't he will drag you down financially and emotionally.. He is a prize cunt op.
Stay and you and your dc will never have anything..

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 21:57

IamRoyFuckingKent · 09/05/2023 21:45

Hang on, the Ltb crowd are out in force!

Do you work? Why not? Is it all on him?

Don’t just LTB, have a conversation fgs.

Thing is Roy, you can try and have a conversation with a proven liar, but it's a bit like p+ssing into the wind.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2023 22:08

NurseCranesRolodex · 09/05/2023 09:56

I could honestly leave him right now I'm so angry. He gets really shouty and annoyed at the kids too as a side note which I hate.

Doesn't sound like you are angry enough. This guy sounds like a lying, duplicitous selfish bastard. Think about your DC. If you were apart and he paid maintenance you would be able to ensure your little ones were looked after. Guys like this are overgrown man babies who treat debt like personal pocket money and female partners like Mummies.

This. You’re nowhere near angry enough and you need to leave.

DilemmaDelilah · 09/05/2023 22:09

I was in a similar situation. I knew he was bad with money so I told him before we got married that I would not marry him on the condition that I managed all the money. He lied, he got a credit card and ran up debt which was just because he wanted spending money (I didn't have any and I was the higher earner). I was trying to manage on my maximum overdraft each month because he couldn't keep a job and he was taking money out on a credit card so that he could go to the pub. I got rid of him and it was such a relief!

Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:35

I kinda agree with you. But yes I do work I work 35 hours a week over 4 days.

I was probably a bit harsh with the 'getting angry at the kids' part as I did write this in the heat of the moment. I should have stated he doesn't get angry with the 1yo obviously but he does seem to argue a lot with the 4yo.

I'm currently having some space away from home with the children but do believe this hasn't been done maliciously. He has agreed to show me credit card/bank statements so will see what they show.

He said it got out of hand when I was on Mat leave and he didn't want to look like he couldn't provide. He's applied to Step Change so hopefully they can help.

He has lied before this but mainly little 'white lies'. Others may be quick to leave but the thought of it is gut wrenching to me as I love him so much and don't want to break our family up without trying.

I do strongly believe the getting stressed with the kids is because he's stressed about the situation.

However I have strongly strongly made it clear that this is the ONLY chance and if it happens again or there are more lies then we are over.

OP posts:
Original poster
sofedup2 · 09/05/2023 22:36

OrwellianTimes · 09/05/2023 09:51

Doesn’t sound like the trust is there anymore. Is he in any way remorseful for this unexplained debt?

He is very remorseful and very upset about it!

OP posts: