Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My leavers drinks have been arranged for a day I can't attend

135 replies

okletsnott · 09/05/2023 09:33

Myself and one other colleague are leaving our company soon. An email has been sent out recently to the department giving details on our leavers drinks which are at a local bar in the evening after work - including date, time and location. I wasn't consulted about it, and it's at a time I can't attend due to needing to go and care for an elderly relative.

I really hate attention, and I also don't drink alcohol due to religious reasons and feel uncomfortable in bars (but can push through it). I'm also not particularly close with any colleagues and would feel awkward being there.

I'm on holiday for the rest of my notice period from next week, so there's not really any other time to arrange it before I leave.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Dreamwatchwait · 09/05/2023 12:03

I would email saying you can’t go and why and wish them all well . Whilst it’s poor form to organise it without consulting you - you never know in life when you will come across people again .

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 12:03

Ferferksake · 09/05/2023 11:27

Quick note back.

Thanks for arranging this, it's been great working with you all. Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to make it myself as I have prior commitments, but I'm sure (colleague) will be able to raise a glass with you all on both of our behalves. I'll be thinking of you all on the night and shall toast you from afar.

Don't send this! Why should OP be wishing them all well & saying she will toast them from afar, when they are so rude they didn't bother to ask her before arranging the date?

She should reply briefly saying she can't make it due to prior commitments & politely wish them well, but no need for overkill.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/05/2023 12:03

Win win, surely? Just don't go, especially as you weren't consulted about when it would be. Don't see the problem.

Sevenbells · 09/05/2023 12:04

lookitsmeagain I read it as she is on holidays from next week? So she could take in cake on friday and say her goodbyes then.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 09/05/2023 12:06

That's a bit of a slap in the face isn't it.

You don't have to go. That's OK.

If something like this happened to me I would be sending around an email saying something like

"Apologies for the miscommunication but just to clarify the leaving drinks event on Friday 19th is for Dave, not for myself and Dave as previously advertised.

My last day in the office is going to be on Thursday 11th and if anyone wants to say farewell, I will be having my afternoon cuppa at 15:00 in the purple chairs on the mezzanine and will be bringing in some cake to share - see you then if you can make it, but many thanks and best wishes to all if that timing doesn't work for you - I'm not one for big goodbyes."

Of course you don't have to do this if they are all bastards.

Whichnumbers · 09/05/2023 12:09

I think it looks bad that they have arranged your leavers drinks on a day you can't attend

Id email a goodbye on the last day you work and explain that you're sad that you are unable to attend the leavers do date due to a prior engagement and wish everyone a love time best wishes

Viviennemary · 09/05/2023 12:09

I think you should make an effort to attend and make other arrangements for your relative. But you should have been consulted about the date. But sounds like you don't wamt to go anyway.

Rollonannualeave · 09/05/2023 12:13

"dear colleague
Thank you for arranging the joint leavers do on x. Unfortunately I provide critical care for an elderly relative then and can't make that date. However as I'm not a big fan of pubs or the spotlight, please keep the date for the other individual and I will bring in some cake on my last day. Many thanks for arranging this anyway. "

Copy and paste. Sorted.

Swansandcustard · 09/05/2023 12:13

Like @fdgdfgdfgdfg says

Gulabjamoon · 09/05/2023 12:16

Doesn’t sound like a good place to work.

I’m a teetotal Muslim with mostly white/non-Muslim colleagues and we do inclusive things like lunch, bowling, escape rooms. We do go to bars but I don’t always go, happy for them to fo without me.

For my leaving do at my last place I organised bowling and karaoke.m

Did they arrange the drinks without checking dates with your other colleague too?

dudsville · 09/05/2023 12:26

This is an awkward situation. They've been careless, but it suits you to some extent as you do not want to attend. I would leave it. If you say anything now they may try to alter plans to accommodate you. What you risk by leaving it is looking passive agressive, so when (if ever) the topic is raised just say this, it was awkward but you really didn't want to attend so you didn't say anything. That takes the pressure off of them to try to rearrange to do something you still would not like to do. If the topic doesn't get raised to you by the time of your leaving then could you wrangle it into a conversation with someone in passing "Today's my last day, I saw the email about the leaving do, I already had plans I coudln't shift but that really isn't my thing anyway so I'm hoping to just sneak away quietly".

titchy · 09/05/2023 12:28

Reply to organiser, copying in everyone who has been invited:

'Hi Jane. Thank you for organising the leaving do for Sarah and me - that was very kind and thoughtful of you! Unfortunately as I mentioned I have caring commitments every Wednesday so won't be able to make it. I hope you all have a lovely time though, and best of luck for the future!'

Clementinesucks · 09/05/2023 12:32

If those drinks really were for you then they would have checked with you first. You are an afterthought. Leave and don’t look back.

Itwasnaeme · 09/05/2023 12:32

drinks not great for a colleague who doesn't drink, but things like escape rooms and bowling are SO much more expensive, which is probably why "drinks" is a popular suggestion

Merangutan · 09/05/2023 12:35

I think this is a really easy one for you, tbh! You just say that you aren’t able to go at that time, which is the truth. If leaving drinks are organised without asking the leavers if they can even make it (who does that?!) then it’s really only an after-work social and you have zero obligation to change your existing commitments to attend.

ItsCalledAConversation · 09/05/2023 12:38

JuneShitfield · 09/05/2023 09:36

I never go to leavers’ drinks, including my own! I don’t drink either and I’m not a loud bars person.

I used to take something nice in on my last day. Some fruit, a cake, some baklava, cookies… something treaty to share out. You could do that instead maybe?

This is a nice suggestion. It doesn’t sound like you’d actually enjoy the drinks that have been arranged anyway. Just takes some cakes or sweets or whatever in on your last day. Weird they didn’t consult you, any idea why not?

Wishimaywishimight · 09/05/2023 12:38

If you can't go you can't go, you're leaving anyway so what does it matter.

You could just say "it's a pity no-one ran the date by me before booking. Unfortunately I can't make it. Have a great night though!"

Honestly, most people are just up for any excuse for a night out, they won't be terribly bothered that you can't make it.

TheKobayashiMaru · 09/05/2023 12:39

I can't see what the issue is. You don't want to go and can't go, so you don't go. If asked, just say you can't make it but to go ahead without you.

SlightlyJaded · 09/05/2023 12:40

Hi All

I see that leavers drinks have been organised for me - thank you for thinking of me.

I don't want to seem ungrateful but as you may know, I don't drink (for religious reasons) and I can't make that date due to a family commitment. Please PLEASE go ahead and toast me in my absence and maybe I could pop in for a slice of cake one afternoon instead?

x

Beautiful3 · 09/05/2023 12:41

Just reply to the email to say, unfortunately you won't be able to make that date. Also you don't drink alcohol, so would prefer just to bring treats in on the last day.

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/05/2023 12:41

I just think it will look bad/rude if I don't make the effort and go

It's not rude when they haven't made an effort to check if you can make it.

Survey99 · 09/05/2023 12:48

SlightlyJaded · 09/05/2023 12:40

Hi All

I see that leavers drinks have been organised for me - thank you for thinking of me.

I don't want to seem ungrateful but as you may know, I don't drink (for religious reasons) and I can't make that date due to a family commitment. Please PLEASE go ahead and toast me in my absence and maybe I could pop in for a slice of cake one afternoon instead?

x

This sound fair to me and unlikely to cause offense, I would do a slight amendment to "with a slice of cake".

You don't need to go back in if you don't want to, but sounds better if you are offering the cake!

Napoleonsjosephine · 09/05/2023 12:57

Don’t overthink, just message and say sorry i can’t do this date but thank you for the thought, please go ahead anyway.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/05/2023 12:59

SlightlyJaded · 09/05/2023 12:40

Hi All

I see that leavers drinks have been organised for me - thank you for thinking of me.

I don't want to seem ungrateful but as you may know, I don't drink (for religious reasons) and I can't make that date due to a family commitment. Please PLEASE go ahead and toast me in my absence and maybe I could pop in for a slice of cake one afternoon instead?

x

🤦🏻‍♀️

diddl · 09/05/2023 13:00

Just let them know that you can't make it.

I'd probably not go in your circumstances if I was already on leave by that point even if I didn't already have a commitment.