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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My leavers drinks have been arranged for a day I can't attend

135 replies

okletsnott · 09/05/2023 09:33

Myself and one other colleague are leaving our company soon. An email has been sent out recently to the department giving details on our leavers drinks which are at a local bar in the evening after work - including date, time and location. I wasn't consulted about it, and it's at a time I can't attend due to needing to go and care for an elderly relative.

I really hate attention, and I also don't drink alcohol due to religious reasons and feel uncomfortable in bars (but can push through it). I'm also not particularly close with any colleagues and would feel awkward being there.

I'm on holiday for the rest of my notice period from next week, so there's not really any other time to arrange it before I leave.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:

CantBeArsedOrAsked · 09/05/2023 11:15

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/05/2023 10:59

If you don't want to go then there's no issue, just chuck an email back saying "Sorry I can't attend on that date"

If you say this couldn't they rearrange the date so you're able to attend?

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2023 11:17

i really hate attention, and I also don't drink alcohol due to religious reasons and feel uncomfortable in bars (but can push through it). I'm also not particularly close with any colleagues and would feel awkward being there.

So why are you concerned that you can't make it? Sounds ideal to me.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 09/05/2023 11:21

okletsnott · 09/05/2023 09:40

No, to be honest I don't want to go. If it was down to me I'd just slip away quietly. I just think it will look bad/rude if I don't make the effort and go

No it won’t. Someone else is leaving too so that gives your other colleagues an excuse reason to have a booze up, that’s all they’ll care about. Just say oh dear, sorry I can’t attend, family commitments. Hope you all have a lovely evening. And leave it there.

OneTC · 09/05/2023 11:24

Sounds fortuitous to me

Bankholidayboredom23 · 09/05/2023 11:25

I've had this before too. I worked part time and it was decided that my leaving drinks would be combined with another leaver, then they went and scheduled it for a non-working day. I left them to it and slipped off quietly on my actual last day. Difference was I do drink and would have liked a leaving do but not if I have to beg for them to consider me in their drinking plans.

LlynTegid · 09/05/2023 11:26

It is unkind not to check when you are available before organising something for your leaving. If you had been contacted, you could have responded along the lines of wanting your other colleague to have a good send off, and not wishing to stop them, and not being offended you cannot join.

VintedoreBay · 09/05/2023 11:26

okletsnott · 09/05/2023 09:40

No, to be honest I don't want to go. If it was down to me I'd just slip away quietly. I just think it will look bad/rude if I don't make the effort and go

Why not say you can't make it but how about a quick lunch (with whoever takes their break at the same time) on a day that you can do? Is there a cafe or pub or restaurant near your work place? It'd be limited to the duration of your lunch break as well.

Ferferksake · 09/05/2023 11:27

Quick note back.

Thanks for arranging this, it's been great working with you all. Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to make it myself as I have prior commitments, but I'm sure (colleague) will be able to raise a glass with you all on both of our behalves. I'll be thinking of you all on the night and shall toast you from afar.

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/05/2023 11:27

I would just send an email saying you can’t go. It was lovely working with you all. Bye.

YouveGotAFastCar · 09/05/2023 11:28

Is it a shared drinks event with the other person?

I wouldn't just not attend. It's bizarre that it's been arranged without you being consulted so it won't occur to people that this happened, and you'll look rude for not going to have a drink with people who have made an effort to come for a leaving drink with you...

I'd either email the organiser directly and let them know you won't be able to attend, so they can update the invite; or respond to all with the same message and say that you can't make it.

It is a bizarre thing, but I'd presume it's an accidental slip-up and they've checked with the other person and forgotten that they haven't run it past you, or they've looked in your calendar and presumed you're free, rather than it being malicious or spiteful.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 09/05/2023 11:30

I can’t help but think this is incredibly poor form for whoever organised it. Surely the first thing you do is ask if it’s a good day and time?

if you don’t want to go OP and you said you can’t go then tell them!

drpet49 · 09/05/2023 11:31

SquarePegInRoundHole · 09/05/2023 09:40

Reply and say you can't make it but you hope everyone has a great night. Buy cakes for staff room on your last day.

This. Job done.

ISeeTheLight · 09/05/2023 11:35

That reflects worse on the company than on you.
That said, bonus if you don't want to go - as per PP, just email back saying you have a prior commitment so won't be able to make it but hope that everyone else has a good time.
And yes I'd take cake/doughnuts on your last day. They definitely can't claim you're rude then.

knobheeeed · 09/05/2023 11:37

okletsnott · 09/05/2023 09:40

No, to be honest I don't want to go. If it was down to me I'd just slip away quietly. I just think it will look bad/rude if I don't make the effort and go

Well they were a bit rude by not asking all the leavers if they were available on that date.
You can't go. What a shame!! Just say sorry, not able to attend, thanks for the invite and have a good time.
Bring in a cake or something for coffee break if you want to.
And if someone thinks it looks bad/rude - so what? - you're leaving anyway.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/05/2023 11:39

Did those who are suggesting the OP bring cakes/donuts/whatever for the break room on the last day not read that the OP is on leave until their last day. They are already out of the building, not at work and taking cakes into a building you're no longer working in would be counter productive.

OP - just send the person who organised the drinks an email saying that you're sorry you can't make the drinks session on X day because you have a prior arrangement that can't be moved and you've enjoyed your time working in the company and you wish everyone well.

No need for cakes at this stage.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/05/2023 11:41

Could you bring in cakes/buns/muffins for your last day in the office (so not matching up with your very last day but the last day you'll be around)?
That could be your farewell.

If colleagues are still working from home that's their look out but you've made a gesture and that's more than most people are doing at the moment.

Pluvia · 09/05/2023 11:41

I'd let whoever has organised the leaving drinks that you're not going to be able to be there and thank them for their effort.

I'd arrange to go to lunch or a post-work coffee/ drinks for the handful of colleagues you'll miss and may want to stay in touch with, possibly a day or two before your last day.

On the day I was leaving I'd offer cake/ doughnuts/ fruit/ crisps, nuts and nibbles and a cup of tea or coffee mid-afternoon for my department. 15 minutes for you to say goodbye and them to say goodbye to you.

Verigio · 09/05/2023 11:41

If it was me I’d wait until the day of the drinks and message saying ‘sorry, I’ve only just seen this on my calendar, unfortunately I’m unable to attend as I have prior commitments.’

howlismoving · 09/05/2023 11:50

They probably assumed you wouldn't want to go so they didn't consult you on the times - it would have put pressure on you to go then! If I were you I'd just politely decline and take a cake in or something to share and say goodbye during the day rather than the evening.

"Sorry I can't make it but I'm not usually up for bars/drinks anyway, I'll bring in a cake to share with everyone and say my goodbye during the day'

IsItThough · 09/05/2023 11:56

"Thankyou so much for organising leaving drinks for me. Sadly this is planned at a time I can't attend due to caring responsibilities. Please do go ahead and raise a glass to me in my abscence, and bid farewell to X"

Send it as close as possible to your leave.

whynotwhatknot · 09/05/2023 11:57

you wont be i the office so it wont be awkward just say sorry you cant make it

DannyZukosSmile · 09/05/2023 11:57

Sounds like you don't want to go anyway. So what's the problem?

midsomermurderess · 09/05/2023 11:59

You hate attention, don't drink alcohol, feel uncomfortable in bars and are not particularly close with any colleagues. It does rather sound that, in their arrangements, they are doing you a favour. You can duck out quite honourably.

FictionalCharacter · 09/05/2023 12:02

Of course you’re not being rude. You weren’t consulted on the date and you have carer’s responsibilities that day. Just say that due to other commitments you can’t make it, hope everyone has a nice evening etc.

Sevenbells · 09/05/2023 12:02

Take in some cakes or something on your last day and say goodbye to key people then, and don't worry about the night at the pub, especially if you don't drink. You'll never see them again anyway.

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