Annual Leave / Holidays

[TheSouthernNortherner2]

I’ve been a serial lurker for some time, but really need some help and advice currently. Sorry in advance that this is long.

The short - my partner is angry with me because I can’t go on holiday with her. AIBU?

The situation. Currently I live in the North and my DD lives with her mum and her mums husband in Cornwall. It’s a 7 hour drive away. As a result of the distance DD stays with me for the entirety of every school holiday, this includes summer holidays, Easter, half terms etc. term time she’s with her mum and stepdad and we only communicate via video calls.

Due to this arrangement, I only take my annual leave when she stays with me, so that we can have the quality time together without work getting in the way. The problem is, I only get around 5 weeks of annual leave per year meaning the rest of the time is spent like a military operation planning with my Rota team at work to only work nights during the remaining time my DD stays and I can’t take any further annual leave. I work for the Ambulance Service, so it’s not totally impossible to do block nights just takes a lot of forward planning and organisation - usually months in advance.

Cue currently partner. No kids. She knew the score from day one. Been together several years, don’t currently live together. Now she wants us to go on a 2 week break to the Caribbean and when I laughed at the mere suggestion she became very upset and angry at me. I explained this isn’t a possibility due to the fact I use my annual leave on DD’s holiday visits. She suggested taking 2 weeks just for us, and doing a “night shift” arrangement for 2 weeks during the summer instead of taking it as annual leave with DD. I said this wasn’t fair on DD, DP says it’s not fair on us that we never go abroad.

I tried to compromise, by suggesting we bring DD for the 2 weeks to the Caribbean, but DP not keen on this whatsoever and says it’s not a holiday when children are involved - sadly I have to agree, there’s never any relaxed moments when you’ve got to keep an eye on an adventurous 7 year old in a foreign land to ensure her safety. The choice of destination was anything but child friendly just to add - think more of an adult resort. This plan was further squashed by the fact DD’s mum is refusing to let her go this far across the world aged 7 as feels her anxiety with the distance would be too much (mums anxiety not daughters) which is totally understandable and her opinion is important to factor into this.

I’ve now dismissed the idea totally, telling DP I won’t take annual leave for anything but DD as it’s unfair to prioritise a holiday over quality time with DD. DP knows that the “night shift” arrangement doesn’t work at the best of times as I’m totally exhausted by the 12 hour shifts, then running on 4 hours sleep and in turn has a knock on effect on my concentration levels which means DD isn’t getting my undivided attention - can also mean a potential compromise in patient safety which cannot happen.

DP is telling me I’m being selfish, I’m holding her back from the normalities of a healthy relationship and why should she have to miss out just because I don’t want to be tired for 2 weeks. I told her to go alone or with friends / family but she says I’m missing the point and that this is about US going away not with someone else. The problem is, we do go away… I regularly take her for long weekends away, last year alone we did Edinburgh, Manchester, North Wales & London - and this was without me taking any annual leave and simply organising trips on my block days off... but this is apparently not the same as a tropical holiday abroad. It’s costing nearly £2,000 which I said could be spent in much better ways for example on a more local weekend away in the UK, and on home improvements like new bedding, blankets, scented candles, new cookware, etc. this could also be used to support local food banks with any surplus money.

DP’s response was that she wants a hot holiday abroad not new bedding and candles. Again, understandable from her perspective.

DP now refusing to compromise on this and has backed me into a corner saying what’s the point in having a relationship with someone who isn’t able or willing to grow, make memories and share moments together and quote “would rather not be tired than to go on an amazing holiday” .

I see her point but her immaturity at the situation feels like a school playground argument. However, at the same time I feel like maybe I am being a bit selfish by just devoting the limited annual leave I get entirely on my DD. None of this is a financial based argument either - we’re both comfortable enough to be able to afford this.

AIBU not agreeing to go on holiday with DP? Help a man out here.. sometimes it takes outside perspective to reflect differently on a situation.

TIA.

Well I don’t agree it is immature to want to go on holiday with a partner, I would consider that quite normal. Sounds like incompatibility rather than anybody is actually wrong here.

think this is a situation where theres no right or wrong but i would say i know if i was in your DP's situation i would want a longer holiday with my partner and i doubt im the only one

You prioritise your daughter, whom you don't see for long periods of time. Good for you.

Totally YANBU. Right now your child is still young and the contact arrangements are working for those who count - the child, you, and her mum. Your DP needs a different partner if they want 2 weeks in the sun right now. In 5-10 years perhaps you'd be able to. But it's not reality right now. I was going to suggest the weekends away - including abroad - but it looks like you've already thought of it! Time to rethink your relationship.

I see both sides.

I would want a holiday with my partner. Is there any way you could maybe not have the daughter one half term in the year as a compromise? I appreciate that would be 12 weeks without seeing her though. Can't see an easy solution here

Its good to hear that you are prioritising your dd.

But its worth considering how this looks for the future, as presumably partners will want to go on holiday with you at some point, it's not unreasonable.

Also, as your dd gets older, she may prefer to spend some of her school holiday time at her mums with local schoolfriend etc.

Does dd never go on holiday with her mum?

Does that mean you get every Christmas with dd?

Are term time only contracts a thing in the ambulance service?

Can definitely see this from both sides. This is why when I was a single woman dating I would never date anyone with kids. Sounds like your lives are incompatible sorry…

You are obviously prioritising your daughter but honestly, this wouldn't work for me at all. It is completely normal to want to go on holiday with your partner rather than just long weekends in the UK. I don't think either of you are wrong here but you will struggle to maintain a relationship and if it was my friend I would tell her to walk away.

Your DP is selfish - dump her. A 2 week overseas holiday isn't a need it's a want. You've had weekends away why not try long weekend out of UK - lots of sunny places a few hours flight away.

Tbh, I can see both sides. I feel there must be options for a compromise where you can make at least a week work? Perhaps your DD’s mum could have her for an extra day or two at the start/end of school hols through the year allowing you to build up some days to put towards the hols - or you could add an extra day or two to each set of nights you do (rather than an additional solid block) to build up time. Or, you could use a week or two of parental leave (would be unpaid of course) to cover some of your time with your daughter to free up annual leave for other times of year.. Another option would be for your dd’s mum to have her for a week in the hols when you can go away - though would mean you holidaying in school hols (maybe not issue if going to adult only type resort).

Is there any way you could take block unpaid parental leave for some of the weeks with dd, so that you could use some paid annual leave for a proper holiday with your partner? It's great that you're prioritising your daughter but if the relationship with your partner is to last then you need to find a way through this, together.

YANBU to prioritise your child. I am a lone parent so I was exactly the same, all my annual leave was used up on DS in school holidays, I would not have gone away for 2 weeks without him.

If she knew the score from the beginning then she shouldn't have got into a relationship with you. I'd be rethinking whether you're right for each other honestly.

My now dh knew that i would always prioritise my child and that would affect what we could do as a couple , and never once complained. We did child friendly holidays

It was 10 years before we had anything other than a weekend away on the uk together. Our honeymoon was one night in the uk.

Incompatible. And I think you deserve better

I don't even have children and I commend you and your ex for being so reasonable. So many decent men struggle to get access at all.

You both need to compromise a little. I understand her point but your daughter will always come first.

Could you go on a slightly shorter overseas break, still somewhere hot, on your allocated off days? Take her for some winter sun before Christmas. You can get some great deals just after half term for example.

I can see why your partner is fed up of never being your priority but that’s what she signed up for- you sound like a great dad and this arrangement won’t be forever - once your daughter is older then it’ll change. Maybe you can come to a compromise though- a long weekend or a week in Europe somewhere hot; use a couple of days AL and then have your daughter a couple less.

Can you not do annualised hours whereby you work extra shifts during the school holidays to complete your hours. This would mean taking less leave during the school holidays and mean you can take annual leave outside of school holidays to go away?

Sorry work extra shifts during term time

Thanks for your replies so far.

I’ve asked DD’s mum to have her for one of the school holidays but she won’t agree to this as she says that’s her “child free time” which I get… I mean I can’t for one minute sit and complain about that when I spend a good 3/4 of the year child free myself. The school holidays are around 13 weeks of the year.

I get a lot of people saying we’re incompatible however I’ve tried dating single parents in the past and this was worse because my majority child free lifestyle tends to not fit in with the routine of a parent with children - especially with the unsociable hours I work… was more disruptive than beneficial which is why I sought to only date someone without children as it fit better.

I have suggested DD has one half term with grandparents (my parents) and this would give us the chance to go abroad - DP was initially overjoyed with this, and said it was a totally practical solution however grandparents don’t agree to this and say it’s too much responsibility for them due to age and health…

it’s frustrating because I know in a few years DD will more than likely want to spend a half term or two with friends locally - but that’s not now, and she’s still at an age where she’s beyond excited and come and stay. Unpaid leave I already take to help compensate for some of the 8 weeks of the year I have DD and cannot take annual leave.

I do feel like it’s a no win situation here. Besides this our relationship is absolutely incredible. It’s beyond frustrating.

I thought about pulling a sickie… you know, telling DD’s mum I’m too sick to have DD but feel this is letting DD down and would be hard to explain to DD’s mum why I was too sick to have her yet was well enough to fly abroad for a holiday. 🙄

Good suggestion actually, having DD a few days less and using the extra time as a holiday for me and DP but then DD’s mum would never agree to that as it’s “pick her up day 1 of holiday bring her back day before she goes back to school” arrangement. Although, anything’s worth asking, might have to look into this. Thank you.

Why do you live so far away from DD? Can you move closer?

Your partner is uttterly selfish.

You are an amazing dad, bringing up a secure child, who knows she is the most important person in her dads life.

Plan a Caribbean holiday with this woman, in the week after your daughter finished school. The partner may not last this long.

After reading your update I suggest staying single until DD is old enough to make her own decisions. I would hate to date somebody like you, you obviously live the part time parent life for most of the year and then bam the child appears. This is not fair on your partner either

I think your partner does have a point, although the fact that this arrangement was in-place from before the relationship started does mean that she hasn't got very much of a leg to stand on. However if you aren't willing to invest anything in your relationship due to prioritising your daughter, you should not be pursuing a relationship and should live happily single until your DD is an adult. If you want a relationship you do need to invest in it.

I think you should be making more use of your right to Unpaid Parental Leave. You have the right to request this and if agreed essentially means you can have extra weeks off, albeit without salary so yes there would be a small drop in income. If you covered 2 weeks of the school summer holidays with Parental Leave rather than Annual Leave you could use the 2 weeks for a holiday with your partner. You would then only get 50 weeks pay per year rather than 52 - so that's significant but if you are in a position to consider these high expenditures anyway then probably not unaffordable.

Hey, yes DD does go on holiday with mum but she pulls DD out of school during term time to do this.. which I’m totally on board with as it’s a £60 fine compared to the hundreds extra the travel companies try to charge during school holidays. The fine far outweighs the additional cost with minimal disruption to her learning. I wish she’d take her one school holiday, but no, she insists this is her “child free time” and won’t budge on that.