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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annual Leave / Holidays

122 replies

TheSouthernNortherner2 · 09/05/2023 07:16

I’ve been a serial lurker for some time, but really need some help and advice currently. Sorry in advance that this is long.

The short - my partner is angry with me because I can’t go on holiday with her. AIBU?

The situation. Currently I live in the North and my DD lives with her mum and her mums husband in Cornwall. It’s a 7 hour drive away. As a result of the distance DD stays with me for the entirety of every school holiday, this includes summer holidays, Easter, half terms etc. term time she’s with her mum and stepdad and we only communicate via video calls.

Due to this arrangement, I only take my annual leave when she stays with me, so that we can have the quality time together without work getting in the way. The problem is, I only get around 5 weeks of annual leave per year meaning the rest of the time is spent like a military operation planning with my Rota team at work to only work nights during the remaining time my DD stays and I can’t take any further annual leave. I work for the Ambulance Service, so it’s not totally impossible to do block nights just takes a lot of forward planning and organisation - usually months in advance.

Cue currently partner. No kids. She knew the score from day one. Been together several years, don’t currently live together. Now she wants us to go on a 2 week break to the Caribbean and when I laughed at the mere suggestion she became very upset and angry at me. I explained this isn’t a possibility due to the fact I use my annual leave on DD’s holiday visits. She suggested taking 2 weeks just for us, and doing a “night shift” arrangement for 2 weeks during the summer instead of taking it as annual leave with DD. I said this wasn’t fair on DD, DP says it’s not fair on us that we never go abroad.

I tried to compromise, by suggesting we bring DD for the 2 weeks to the Caribbean, but DP not keen on this whatsoever and says it’s not a holiday when children are involved - sadly I have to agree, there’s never any relaxed moments when you’ve got to keep an eye on an adventurous 7 year old in a foreign land to ensure her safety. The choice of destination was anything but child friendly just to add - think more of an adult resort. This plan was further squashed by the fact DD’s mum is refusing to let her go this far across the world aged 7 as feels her anxiety with the distance would be too much (mums anxiety not daughters) which is totally understandable and her opinion is important to factor into this.

I’ve now dismissed the idea totally, telling DP I won’t take annual leave for anything but DD as it’s unfair to prioritise a holiday over quality time with DD. DP knows that the “night shift” arrangement doesn’t work at the best of times as I’m totally exhausted by the 12 hour shifts, then running on 4 hours sleep and in turn has a knock on effect on my concentration levels which means DD isn’t getting my undivided attention - can also mean a potential compromise in patient safety which cannot happen.

DP is telling me I’m being selfish, I’m holding her back from the normalities of a healthy relationship and why should she have to miss out just because I don’t want to be tired for 2 weeks. I told her to go alone or with friends / family but she says I’m missing the point and that this is about US going away not with someone else. The problem is, we do go away… I regularly take her for long weekends away, last year alone we did Edinburgh, Manchester, North Wales & London - and this was without me taking any annual leave and simply organising trips on my block days off... but this is apparently not the same as a tropical holiday abroad. It’s costing nearly £2,000 which I said could be spent in much better ways for example on a more local weekend away in the UK, and on home improvements like new bedding, blankets, scented candles, new cookware, etc. this could also be used to support local food banks with any surplus money.

DP’s response was that she wants a hot holiday abroad not new bedding and candles. Again, understandable from her perspective.

DP now refusing to compromise on this and has backed me into a corner saying what’s the point in having a relationship with someone who isn’t able or willing to grow, make memories and share moments together and quote “would rather not be tired than to go on an amazing holiday” .

I see her point but her immaturity at the situation feels like a school playground argument. However, at the same time I feel like maybe I am being a bit selfish by just devoting the limited annual leave I get entirely on my DD. None of this is a financial based argument either - we’re both comfortable enough to be able to afford this.

AIBU not agreeing to go on holiday with DP? Help a man out here.. sometimes it takes outside perspective to reflect differently on a situation.

TIA.

OP posts:
VisionsOfSplendour · 09/05/2023 08:11

GeraltsBathtub · 09/05/2023 08:03

Why do you live so far away from DD? Can you move closer?

Maybe the mum moved away post split and the OP needs to live where he lives for other reasons

The man isn't always the bad guy

LIZS · 09/05/2023 08:12

It seems as if she is asking you to reprioritise so you have leave together. Nothing necessarily unreasonable about that, if you are planning a future together, however two weeks would be a large chunk though. How established is the relationship? She needs to a ceot dd as part pf the deal.

How old is dd, can she spend time alone while you work, is there family nearby she might also like to spend time with? Does she want to spend her whole summer up north?

Original poster
TheSouthernNortherner2 · 09/05/2023 08:14

GeraltsBathtub · 09/05/2023 08:03

Why do you live so far away from DD? Can you move closer?

Wasn’t by choice, but no, I can’t move closer. I have a career, family, friends and a home up here and cannot afford to live down south where property prices are much higher than prices in the North. It would be simply unaffordable to do solo and wouldn’t be something DP would be interested in doing as a joint venture. Property prices in the West Country are extortionate in comparison to North West.

OP posts:
Gemstar2 · 09/05/2023 08:15

You sound like a lovely dad! I think requesting more unpaid parental leave for some of the holidays so that you then have time for a (perhaps a week-long) holiday with your DP is the easiest compromise here, if you can afford it.

AlisonDonut · 09/05/2023 08:16

Who looks after your daughter when you are working nights?

OrigamiOwls · 09/05/2023 08:16

I don't think either of you are wrong. I don't think your DP wanting a holiday makes her immature. However if you think like this your relationship might as well be over. And she's probably now thinking there isn't a chance of going abroad until your DD is 18+.
You priorities are different things. These things do not seem to be compatible.
Your ex seems to be ruling your roost.

AtChoService · 09/05/2023 08:17

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2023 07:50

I can see why your partner is fed up of never being your priority but that’s what she signed up for- you sound like a great dad and this arrangement won’t be forever - once your daughter is older then it’ll change. Maybe you can come to a compromise though- a long weekend or a week in Europe somewhere hot; use a couple of days AL and then have your daughter a couple less.

I don't even need to imagine the responses if a man came on here proposing to have his kid less so he can go on holiday with the step mother, without the child.

Jesus christ.

Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 08:19

You’ve had this arrangement for your daughter longer than you’ve been in a relationship. So ultimately your partner knew in advance what the situation was. If going abroad is more important than a relationship with a parent and the restrictions that involves, then I’m afraid the relationship isn’t going to work out in the longer term.

also the cost of a holiday like that could be spent on holidays with your daughter, and remember than when you work to the point of exhaustion, your stress levels are high, and when you do finally relax you’re liable to get ill.

maybe offer a compromise of some nice long weekend city breaks, some lovely places for visits in Europe

Tinkerbyebye · 09/05/2023 08:27

She’s not immature and that’s a nasty comment from you. Whilst I understand you prioritise your daughter, it’s wrong of you to refuse to take her abroad because of your ex’s anxiety, especially as she takers her abroad!

whilst a cruise is perhaps not conducive to a child, other options to go abroad are. Perhaps a compromise is a week abroad, all inclusive on the premise it’s to see how it goes, then another week later on, just the two of you.

as others say there is the option of unpaid parental leave. I guess the question is how much do you care for your partner. I would not be staying with someone so inflexible where there are ways round it.

megletthesecond · 09/05/2023 08:37

I think you need to accept you can't date for a decade or so. Putting your daughter first is better.

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 08:40

isthewashingdryyet · 09/05/2023 08:04

Your partner is uttterly selfish.

You are an amazing dad, bringing up a secure child, who knows she is the most important person in her dads life.

Plan a Caribbean holiday with this woman, in the week after your daughter finished school. The partner may not last this long.

I disagree! It’s not selfish of her to want something like a holiday with her partner alone. Not at all. I think there's got to be a little flexiblity on both parents' side when it comes to childcare- meaning mum should be flexible a day or two here and there and vice versa.

This couple do not live together, and I can totally understand her wanting time alone - more than a weekend away in Englad (sorry wouldn't cut it for me as an answer or solution either). She does not have kids, so she wants to have a little time, just the two of them. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think there is too much of an expectation on the person that doesn't have kids in the relationship. Yes, kids, the majority of the time should come first, but the person who has kids should also understand that the one in the relationship that doesn't have children has needs and wants too and those should be met. It goes both ways. As much as she got into with someone who has kids he choose someone who doesn't.

Sidge · 09/05/2023 08:40

I think it’s commendable that you are making every effort to have your DD in the school holidays.

I find it odd that her mum NEVER has any school holiday times with her. I mean she has weekends during term time, but NO half terms or holidays. No stretches of time with her daughter longer than 2 days.

I can sort of see both sides, I can understand your partner wanting a holiday longer than a weekend. But she knew what she was getting in to, and can’t throw her toys out of the pram now really. I guess she can either suck it up until your daughter is older and doesn’t want to spend all the school breaks with you, or she breaks it off.

Tellmeimcrazy · 09/05/2023 08:41

Tinkerbyebye · 09/05/2023 08:27

She’s not immature and that’s a nasty comment from you. Whilst I understand you prioritise your daughter, it’s wrong of you to refuse to take her abroad because of your ex’s anxiety, especially as she takers her abroad!

whilst a cruise is perhaps not conducive to a child, other options to go abroad are. Perhaps a compromise is a week abroad, all inclusive on the premise it’s to see how it goes, then another week later on, just the two of you.

as others say there is the option of unpaid parental leave. I guess the question is how much do you care for your partner. I would not be staying with someone so inflexible where there are ways round it.

Totally agree with this

GeraltsBathtub · 09/05/2023 08:42

VisionsOfSplendour · 09/05/2023 08:11

Maybe the mum moved away post split and the OP needs to live where he lives for other reasons

The man isn't always the bad guy

Show quote history

I wasn’t assuming he was the bad guy (in fact I figured this probably was what happened) but it’s useful to know of the constraints.

Unfortunately it sounds like the GF will just need to accept that child free Caribbean holidays aren’t on the cards for now! If she’ll accept a long weekend in Europe that sounds like it could be a good compromise though.

Original poster
TheSouthernNortherner2 · 09/05/2023 08:44

From reading a lot of your comments I guessed it’s only really dawned on me how her mum doesn’t have her for any extended periods of time. I never saw it like that. My view was very much - she has her every day for majority of the year.. maybe I should be more bold and say “this half term I can’t have her” and just see what happens….

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 09/05/2023 08:44

YANBU and you sound like an excellent father. Well done for putting your DD first.

Neededanewuserhandle · 09/05/2023 08:44

YANBU. When did a 2 week holiday in the Caribbean become compulsory?

ThatFuckingPaddington · 09/05/2023 08:47

If your girlfriend posted, I’d be telling her to put you back.

The prioritization of your child is great, but your list currently looks like this-

  1. Child
  2. Ex
  3. Yourself
  4. Work
  5. Girlfriend

She needs to leave and you might eventually find someone who will put up with your unusual situation.

Fandabedodgy · 09/05/2023 08:47

YANBU

But I get where she is coming from and why she is disappointed.

I think this is a no win situation unfortunately.

notacooldad · 09/05/2023 08:50

Your dd won't be young forever. It seems to fly by in a blink of an eye. Therefore I'm siding with you on this discussion.
Your partner knew the score when she got together with you. Although I understand her frustration, in her shoes I would make the most of going away with friends and having the UK holidays with you.
This situation is why, in my younger days, I wouldn't date a bloke with kids.

margaritainthesunshine · 09/05/2023 08:53

I see it from both sides and I think that if my partner suggested we give the money to food banks instead of spending quality time together, I'd be more than a bit miffed. It is usually possible to do both, have a lovely break and support your community.

Could you come to a better arrangement with your DD's mum? Using some of your block days, spend long weekends with your daughter (maybe meet halfway or something) and then free up some AL for your partner? Yes, your daughter is important but it's also important to invest in your relationship.

Merryoldgoat · 09/05/2023 08:54

I think that you and your partner are fundamentally incompatible. However, I think your life is fundamentally incompatible with a relationship.

The reality is anyone will want a life with their partner long-term which involved holidays, random annual leave days for special events, spur of the moment stuff.

There will be times that’s entirely impossible of course, but your life makes it impossible - period.

You are both being unreasonable - her for allowing herself to get so involved with someone unavailable and you for thinking you can have a ‘normal’ relationship in the situation you’re in.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/05/2023 08:55

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

It's natural for you to prioritise your DD but I totally understand why your partner is upset as well.

235rssf · 09/05/2023 08:56

TheSouthernNortherner2 · 09/05/2023 08:44

From reading a lot of your comments I guessed it’s only really dawned on me how her mum doesn’t have her for any extended periods of time. I never saw it like that. My view was very much - she has her every day for majority of the year.. maybe I should be more bold and say “this half term I can’t have her” and just see what happens….

I thinknyou partner is being unreasonable. You are happy to go away with her and you DD for a week or longer weekends. The reality isbher mum has her for 40 weeks a year and your partner gets you child free for those same 40weeks a year. You only see her for 13 weeks which is only a quarter of the time. So actually her mum does have her loads and is not being unfair. Your partner doesn't quite get what it's like to date a parent. If you DD lived nearby then she would be over half the time or on weekends and your partner's life would be much more disrupted than now.

neverenoughchelseaboots · 09/05/2023 08:56

You both have valid points. The fairest compromise that I can see is a holiday abroad with DD but somewhere short-haul for the mother’s reassurance and more family friendly.

If you had children together you’d have to take them away with you, so if at that point your GF still doesn’t agree I think you have incompatible personal priorities.