Annual Leave / Holidays

[TheSouthernNortherner2]

I’ve been a serial lurker for some time, but really need some help and advice currently. Sorry in advance that this is long.

The short - my partner is angry with me because I can’t go on holiday with her. AIBU?

The situation. Currently I live in the North and my DD lives with her mum and her mums husband in Cornwall. It’s a 7 hour drive away. As a result of the distance DD stays with me for the entirety of every school holiday, this includes summer holidays, Easter, half terms etc. term time she’s with her mum and stepdad and we only communicate via video calls.

Due to this arrangement, I only take my annual leave when she stays with me, so that we can have the quality time together without work getting in the way. The problem is, I only get around 5 weeks of annual leave per year meaning the rest of the time is spent like a military operation planning with my Rota team at work to only work nights during the remaining time my DD stays and I can’t take any further annual leave. I work for the Ambulance Service, so it’s not totally impossible to do block nights just takes a lot of forward planning and organisation - usually months in advance.

Cue currently partner. No kids. She knew the score from day one. Been together several years, don’t currently live together. Now she wants us to go on a 2 week break to the Caribbean and when I laughed at the mere suggestion she became very upset and angry at me. I explained this isn’t a possibility due to the fact I use my annual leave on DD’s holiday visits. She suggested taking 2 weeks just for us, and doing a “night shift” arrangement for 2 weeks during the summer instead of taking it as annual leave with DD. I said this wasn’t fair on DD, DP says it’s not fair on us that we never go abroad.

I tried to compromise, by suggesting we bring DD for the 2 weeks to the Caribbean, but DP not keen on this whatsoever and says it’s not a holiday when children are involved - sadly I have to agree, there’s never any relaxed moments when you’ve got to keep an eye on an adventurous 7 year old in a foreign land to ensure her safety. The choice of destination was anything but child friendly just to add - think more of an adult resort. This plan was further squashed by the fact DD’s mum is refusing to let her go this far across the world aged 7 as feels her anxiety with the distance would be too much (mums anxiety not daughters) which is totally understandable and her opinion is important to factor into this.

I’ve now dismissed the idea totally, telling DP I won’t take annual leave for anything but DD as it’s unfair to prioritise a holiday over quality time with DD. DP knows that the “night shift” arrangement doesn’t work at the best of times as I’m totally exhausted by the 12 hour shifts, then running on 4 hours sleep and in turn has a knock on effect on my concentration levels which means DD isn’t getting my undivided attention - can also mean a potential compromise in patient safety which cannot happen.

DP is telling me I’m being selfish, I’m holding her back from the normalities of a healthy relationship and why should she have to miss out just because I don’t want to be tired for 2 weeks. I told her to go alone or with friends / family but she says I’m missing the point and that this is about US going away not with someone else. The problem is, we do go away… I regularly take her for long weekends away, last year alone we did Edinburgh, Manchester, North Wales & London - and this was without me taking any annual leave and simply organising trips on my block days off... but this is apparently not the same as a tropical holiday abroad. It’s costing nearly £2,000 which I said could be spent in much better ways for example on a more local weekend away in the UK, and on home improvements like new bedding, blankets, scented candles, new cookware, etc. this could also be used to support local food banks with any surplus money.

DP’s response was that she wants a hot holiday abroad not new bedding and candles. Again, understandable from her perspective.

DP now refusing to compromise on this and has backed me into a corner saying what’s the point in having a relationship with someone who isn’t able or willing to grow, make memories and share moments together and quote “would rather not be tired than to go on an amazing holiday” .

I see her point but her immaturity at the situation feels like a school playground argument. However, at the same time I feel like maybe I am being a bit selfish by just devoting the limited annual leave I get entirely on my DD. None of this is a financial based argument either - we’re both comfortable enough to be able to afford this.

AIBU not agreeing to go on holiday with DP? Help a man out here.. sometimes it takes outside perspective to reflect differently on a situation.

TIA.

When your daughter is with her mum, she is in school, not 24/7 attached to her. You can also use holiday clubs - that’s what most working parents have to do.
it sounds very much like your girlfriend us good enough when your daughter isn’t there, but then had to disappear once your daughter shows up. Whilst your daughter absolutely should be a priority I can understand your girlfriend - going away with your partner is a very normal thing to look forward to.

Also another thought, could you maybe go on holiday when your ex takes your daughter on holiday?

Work it out with her so that over the summer she goes on holiday with your daughter and you go on holiday with your partner In the same week.

So your ex has some "child free time" when she could actually choose to go away on holiday with a partner, but you don't? That doesn't seem very fair either. I agree with PP that your lifestyles are just incompatible, neither are wrong but you both may have to accept that you need to go your separate ways.

See the thread on here with information about your right to take parental leave to spend with your dd, it’s unpaid but it’s meant gor parents

I don’t mean to spend with your gf but just thought you’d like to know about this leave as it might help instead of doing nights etc for the extra week

I think you really hit the nail on the head with this post… can’t thank you enough and all the other posters here who have contributed to this.

It never occurred to me that the real issue grating on DP here could be the possibility that my ex gets 13 weeks child free plus holidays and yet I can’t give DP - the woman I love - the same in return.

DP and I besides this are otherwise in a very happy and healthy relationship which is why I’ve ignored a lot of the more negative comments saying that I can’t provide emotionally or invest - it’s far from that at all; we both work long hours for the emergency services and our relationship is spot on. We are on a very similar set of shifts most of the time so this really helps with our relationship, feeling connected and having the time to do things together. Recently we discussed living together - this has been the only problem , the fact she wants a holiday with me and for it to just be us and me not being willing or able to sacrifice time with DD for this.

I think reading a lot of the posts here has been enlightening to see things from other perspectives. I’ll be speaking to DP tonight to make a plan… and making up for the fact I did laugh at her; which was cruel and insensitive of me and wrong to do. I have some ideas of things to make this right thanks to you all, and will be discussing with DP later on today.

Your dp is acting like a spoilt brat. She knew the situation when you got together, and now doesn't like it. In your position I would tell her to take a hike. You have offered her many options, but it seems that a 2 week holiday in the Caribbean is the only one she will accept.
You have a child, she is your priority. She won't be young forever.
Put the ball in your dps position and ask exactly where she is willing to compromise. As a pp said, in a few years your daughter will be less inclined to want to travel to spend time with you. Don't waste the time while you have it. It's so important for your relationship with your dd that you make this time about her.

This 7 year old has such a disrupted life.

picked up and plonked for every holiday with another parent - leaving friends and her mother for weeks on end.

Then picked up and plonked back with mother but then doesn’t see other parent for months.

No chance of building deep friendships in long term. And apart from one parent for months and then the other
awful

Oh and one of the parent has a selfish twat for a partner

just lovely

DP and I besides this are otherwise in a very happy and healthy relationship

forgive me if I don’t trust what you perceive to be a “very happy and healthy relationship

And he has 39 weeks a year child free.
The fact is she has the majority of his time. It is up to them to find ways to utilise this that work for them both. Whether that be using unpaid leave or booking trips away around his shifts.
It should absolutely not be time with his child that has to give in this situation.

It never occurred to me that the real issue grating on DP here could be the possibility that my ex gets 13 weeks child free plus holidays and yet I can’t give DP - the woman I love - the same in return.

it’s like the “prize” for the adults in this shit show is to not have this 7byear old child

It's interesting that the vast majority of replies have either condemned the OP's girlfriend or commended him for putting his child first (or both), and not mentioned his ex at all, but his replies are all about how the thread has made him realise how unreasonable his ex is. Almost like he's making up his own replies with what he wants to hear...

I had my children 100% of the time. Hot holidays involved short haul villas with 2 bedrooms. It wasn't exactly the same as a romantic break for 2 but it was still nice.

If this was me I would be applying for a week of unpaid leave every year to go on a holiday with your DP and adding it to the overall cost of the holiday.
or 2 weeks every two years.
To be taken during term time of course when your dd is not there.

Is there really no compromise? For instance, rather than a 2-week holiday to the Caribbean, how about a 1-week holiday to somewhere a little closer to home? That way you only take one week out of your 5-week holiday allowance?

Or do two weeks with your DD, but somewhere closer to home that your ex could cope with. Would she accept France or Spain or somewhere in Europe? There are lots of child-friendly holidays that include kids clubs that would give you and your DP some alone time as a couple, if so.

Your DP sounds rather rigid in her demands, but it's not unreasonable to want to go on holiday with her DP; even if you insist that your DD comes along too, since you're a package and your girlfriend knew you had a DC from the start. If a compromise cannot be reached, I fear this relationship won't last.

When you are are a parent you can not just dump your child to go on holiday with your partner for 2 weeks. If you are lucky you may manage to sneak a weekend away.

Your partner needs to realise that you and your dd come as a package and you are rightly prioritising your daughter.

Im a bit surprised at the replies here that op should be prioritising a holiday with his partner over time with his DD.
Maybe it's just me but I haven't had a child free holiday in 20 years. DH has never complained or suggested that we should go away without the kids, even though one is not his. He has always accepted we come as a package.
Op you spend most of your time with just your partner, you have weekends away etc... I think she is in the wrong here. Your time with DD is limited as it is, you certainly shouldn't be giving up that time.

I think your partner us unreasonable to expect you to holiday without your child. She needs to accept she is your family and part of the package, holidays with just grown ups are for when she's older and less interested in spending time with you!
The compromise is a less fancy holiday including your DD. It's a shame your partner can't see that.

THIS!!
The ex is not unreasonable, she has your daughter approx 39 weeks per year. She probably deals with everything related to school, any after school clubs / activities, parties, play dates, she has your daughter 39 weekends and she probably works during the week?
You could put your daughter in holiday clubs when you have her then you don’t need to use as much leave but you shouldn’t be reducing your time with your daughter, you only see her 13 weeks as it is.

I wouldn't say that's fair to say at all. She has her for 6-8 week chunks between school holidays. Whilst I initially did think this is not fair on the ex, when does she get time with her DD, I see her point. As your ex my response would be fair enough, let's have a half the holidays and every other weekend arrangement. Or you move up here and we can do 50/50. As you say you enjoy your child free time, your willing to do your bit but you're hardly going above and beyond. I would suggest not dating until your DD is older, your arrangement isn't fair on child free women. I say this as someone who has no back up childcare but for that reason I would date other parents.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You’re right to put your Dd first.

It does seem odd that you have all the holidays and your ex has all the term time - when does she spend quality time with your joint Dd?

YANBU. Your DD won't be little for long and I think you're right to prioritise her when you already spend a lot of the year not seeing her at all. The long weekends away you've done with DP sound great, it's not like you aren't doing anything fun together!

I have my son around 60-70% of the time and I wouldn't want to go away for 2 weeks to an amazing hot place without him. Tbh, he'd be really upset if I did! And my DP's has an old grumpy dog who he can't leave with anyone so we can't go abroad anyway. It's a shame but it is what it is and both of us understand each other's situation. Your DP is sounding a little spoilt in this instance.

Maybe if your parents could have DD for 3 days (could they cope with that rather than a week? You might be able to find a holiday club or something that you could get her in for the day times) and you could take 3 days holiday you could do nearly a week somewhere slightly further afield like Egypt, Morocco etc? You could also get an all inclusive in Europe that has a kids club and take DD? If she went to kids club on some days at least you and DP would get some alone time together.

Take 7 weeks unpaid parental leave to cover summer holidays?

Then take annual leave in term time for actual holiday.

I think you could consider 2 weeks extra unpaid leave next year and use it to cover half terms and then use 2 weeks annual for your holiday.

Appreciate the statutory amount for unpaid childcare is (roughly) 16 or 18 weeks until your child is 18(ish)but realistically, as you've said, she wont want to be with you all half terms until she is 18 and she wont need the same level of direct supervision at 15 as she does at 7.

If you plan to holiday next year then you can financially plan this into the cost if taking a holiday.

Alternatively, you may need to consider if you are happy with this arrangement and whether you want to formalise it or seek amendments through legal routes. My layman's view is that expecting you to do all half terms and holidays without exception is unreasonable and may lead to burnout. An alternative may be a week of holiday clubs X

What Queencoconut said. I'd suggest increasing the amount of family or unpaid leave by a week or two, if one week you might be able to arrange a ten night break with your partner if you factor in weekends/your shift patterns. This seems like a reasonable compromise.