Annual Leave / Holidays

[TheSouthernNortherner2]

I’ve been a serial lurker for some time, but really need some help and advice currently. Sorry in advance that this is long.

The short - my partner is angry with me because I can’t go on holiday with her. AIBU?

The situation. Currently I live in the North and my DD lives with her mum and her mums husband in Cornwall. It’s a 7 hour drive away. As a result of the distance DD stays with me for the entirety of every school holiday, this includes summer holidays, Easter, half terms etc. term time she’s with her mum and stepdad and we only communicate via video calls.

Due to this arrangement, I only take my annual leave when she stays with me, so that we can have the quality time together without work getting in the way. The problem is, I only get around 5 weeks of annual leave per year meaning the rest of the time is spent like a military operation planning with my Rota team at work to only work nights during the remaining time my DD stays and I can’t take any further annual leave. I work for the Ambulance Service, so it’s not totally impossible to do block nights just takes a lot of forward planning and organisation - usually months in advance.

Cue currently partner. No kids. She knew the score from day one. Been together several years, don’t currently live together. Now she wants us to go on a 2 week break to the Caribbean and when I laughed at the mere suggestion she became very upset and angry at me. I explained this isn’t a possibility due to the fact I use my annual leave on DD’s holiday visits. She suggested taking 2 weeks just for us, and doing a “night shift” arrangement for 2 weeks during the summer instead of taking it as annual leave with DD. I said this wasn’t fair on DD, DP says it’s not fair on us that we never go abroad.

I tried to compromise, by suggesting we bring DD for the 2 weeks to the Caribbean, but DP not keen on this whatsoever and says it’s not a holiday when children are involved - sadly I have to agree, there’s never any relaxed moments when you’ve got to keep an eye on an adventurous 7 year old in a foreign land to ensure her safety. The choice of destination was anything but child friendly just to add - think more of an adult resort. This plan was further squashed by the fact DD’s mum is refusing to let her go this far across the world aged 7 as feels her anxiety with the distance would be too much (mums anxiety not daughters) which is totally understandable and her opinion is important to factor into this.

I’ve now dismissed the idea totally, telling DP I won’t take annual leave for anything but DD as it’s unfair to prioritise a holiday over quality time with DD. DP knows that the “night shift” arrangement doesn’t work at the best of times as I’m totally exhausted by the 12 hour shifts, then running on 4 hours sleep and in turn has a knock on effect on my concentration levels which means DD isn’t getting my undivided attention - can also mean a potential compromise in patient safety which cannot happen.

DP is telling me I’m being selfish, I’m holding her back from the normalities of a healthy relationship and why should she have to miss out just because I don’t want to be tired for 2 weeks. I told her to go alone or with friends / family but she says I’m missing the point and that this is about US going away not with someone else. The problem is, we do go away… I regularly take her for long weekends away, last year alone we did Edinburgh, Manchester, North Wales & London - and this was without me taking any annual leave and simply organising trips on my block days off... but this is apparently not the same as a tropical holiday abroad. It’s costing nearly £2,000 which I said could be spent in much better ways for example on a more local weekend away in the UK, and on home improvements like new bedding, blankets, scented candles, new cookware, etc. this could also be used to support local food banks with any surplus money.

DP’s response was that she wants a hot holiday abroad not new bedding and candles. Again, understandable from her perspective.

DP now refusing to compromise on this and has backed me into a corner saying what’s the point in having a relationship with someone who isn’t able or willing to grow, make memories and share moments together and quote “would rather not be tired than to go on an amazing holiday” .

I see her point but her immaturity at the situation feels like a school playground argument. However, at the same time I feel like maybe I am being a bit selfish by just devoting the limited annual leave I get entirely on my DD. None of this is a financial based argument either - we’re both comfortable enough to be able to afford this.

AIBU not agreeing to go on holiday with DP? Help a man out here.. sometimes it takes outside perspective to reflect differently on a situation.

TIA.

I have a 6 year old and completely disagree there's no relaxed moments. Yes it's nothing like a couples only holiday but it's still a holiday and at the right place you can still have a decent amount of couple-only time.
On our recent holiday DD wanted to go to the kids club there on a few days, there was a reasonably priced evening babysitting service, and on the other nights we enjoyed unlimited cocktails on our balcony once she was asleep.
Maybe you could research some lovely places a bit closer with good provision for kids and persuade your partner to give a family holiday a try

Didnt she post about this a week or two ago?

Well I'd love two weeks in the Caribbean with just my husband too but we have 3 kids and no childcare and so it's just not possible. That's life! I think she's expecting too much. If you chose a partner with children you have to accept some things will not always be possible or will be off the table for a while the same they would if it was your own child.

For one week when she is with you, put her j to a summer club and then use that one week leave for a holiday with your partner in term time. Seems like a simple solution.

This.

Her mother does it, for every single holiday!

The partner is not selfish or immature or anything else. It's not a bad thing to want one holiday with your DP after years of putting the childs needs above everything else.

Of course the child comes first, but that doesn't mean the adult partner is not worthy of respect and consideration too. Some of these comments are vile. All because she wants a tiny bit of what you have. Shame on you.

Presumably if you go on holiday with your partner only that will in term time so doesn’t affect having your daughter in the holidays just the time off work to look after her so see if you can find a solution for her being with you whilst you work - kids club, sports camp, your parents staying at yours etc, your partner helping with childcare etc

@Tinkerbyebye Its funny because if this was a women saying her partner is demanding she take a holiday in place of having her daughter there would be uproar and the partner would be called much more than immature. This Dad is doing as much as he can to see his daughter, keep the peace with his ex and keep his career going, seems like what all of MN expects of a single Dad - and yet he still isnt enough for you!

OP (@TheSouthernNortherner2) - could you move some shifts around to get a 4/5 day period off, then take your partner away somewhere short haul? Then agree once DD is old enough to want to spend time in the holidays with her friends for a week or two then take your partner long haul then?

Good for you. You sound like a great parent. Children come first.

I do think your partner needs to understand you are a parent and therefore just easily can’t go away for two weeks without your daughter. If she wants a 2 week holiday she should accept that your daughter will be joining.

He only sees his daughter 13 weeks a year. OP stated they have been together for multiple years. I don't think wanting a one off holiday in one of the 39 weeks of the year he doesn't have his child is all that unreasonable!

Wanting a holiday is not unreasonable

Expecting it to be possible is

Ok but then he needs to find additional childcare for a week of the school holidays rather than taking his daughter for 1 week less. Lots of parents don’t go on holiday without their children as they want/need to save their annual leave to cover the school holidays.

Correct. And he has options there. He can look into swapping shifts and working nights rather than using annual leave when he has his daughter, which he already does. He can also look at sourcing childcare like many parents do - e.g. holiday clubs to make that easier. If he is feeling tired what if there was a half day club, daughter could sleep at parents house, they drop her off at club, dad picks up when he's had time to sleep. Then he can save an extra weeks annual leave to holiday with his partner. They've been together multiple years, he should be able to suck it up this one year then next year have a normal year.

Very good that you prioritise your daughter. I can see your partner's point but you're making the right choice. Is there a middle ground of going somewhere hot for one week and doing the odd extra shift?

However this bit below... what on earth?! What sort of man person thinks that new bedding and candles is better than a proper holiday?

"It’s costing nearly £2,000 which I said could be spent in much better ways for example on a more local weekend away in the UK, and on home improvements like new bedding, blankets, scented candles, new cookware, etc. this could also be used to support local food banks with any surplus money.'

I feel like you’re really trying to come across as a good person here, with your daughter first, staycation weekends, night shifts and quip about the foodbanks…

But.

Your arrangement is absolutely ludicrous and totally untenable in a relationship.

Put your kid first, sure, but wanting a holiday with you is not so ridiculous that you were justified in laughing at her.

I really don’t think you should be with her.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Your situations aren’t compatible at all. I understand you prioritising your daughter but honestly I could never be in a relationship with such a lack of flexibility and compromise. Wanting to go on holiday with your partner is a totally normal expectation.

Also agree with this…the mr nice guy act is making me want to hear her side of the story.
food banks? Really??

I totally see where she’s coming from. It’s not unreasonable for her to want to be prioritised by you at times, and offering her a week in the UK is not going to be a substitute for a tropical holiday in the Caribbean. She’s been very clear here about what she wants and needs from you - which is to have time as a couple that doesn’t revolve around your ex and child. She doesn’t need to stick around in a relationship where she always comes last, and dismissing her and laughing at her is one surefire way to get her to that realisation quickly.

Tbh this was another reason why I’ve never dated single parents.

And he chose a partner that doesn’t have kids, so he needs to accept that he too will have to compromise. It isn’t all on her to do so.

Could another option be a combination of holiday club and your parents? So they only have to do mornings and evenings not all day? I don't know how your finances are but if you can take leave when you don't have your daughter, do that and take more unpaid/parental leave when you do have her.

Incidentally, I do also think laughing at her was out of order.