I’ve been a serial lurker for some time, but really need some help and advice currently. Sorry in advance that this is long.
The short - my partner is angry with me because I can’t go on holiday with her. AIBU?
The situation. Currently I live in the North and my DD lives with her mum and her mums husband in Cornwall. It’s a 7 hour drive away. As a result of the distance DD stays with me for the entirety of every school holiday, this includes summer holidays, Easter, half terms etc. term time she’s with her mum and stepdad and we only communicate via video calls.
Due to this arrangement, I only take my annual leave when she stays with me, so that we can have the quality time together without work getting in the way. The problem is, I only get around 5 weeks of annual leave per year meaning the rest of the time is spent like a military operation planning with my Rota team at work to only work nights during the remaining time my DD stays and I can’t take any further annual leave. I work for the Ambulance Service, so it’s not totally impossible to do block nights just takes a lot of forward planning and organisation - usually months in advance.
Cue currently partner. No kids. She knew the score from day one. Been together several years, don’t currently live together. Now she wants us to go on a 2 week break to the Caribbean and when I laughed at the mere suggestion she became very upset and angry at me. I explained this isn’t a possibility due to the fact I use my annual leave on DD’s holiday visits. She suggested taking 2 weeks just for us, and doing a “night shift” arrangement for 2 weeks during the summer instead of taking it as annual leave with DD. I said this wasn’t fair on DD, DP says it’s not fair on us that we never go abroad.
I tried to compromise, by suggesting we bring DD for the 2 weeks to the Caribbean, but DP not keen on this whatsoever and says it’s not a holiday when children are involved - sadly I have to agree, there’s never any relaxed moments when you’ve got to keep an eye on an adventurous 7 year old in a foreign land to ensure her safety. The choice of destination was anything but child friendly just to add - think more of an adult resort. This plan was further squashed by the fact DD’s mum is refusing to let her go this far across the world aged 7 as feels her anxiety with the distance would be too much (mums anxiety not daughters) which is totally understandable and her opinion is important to factor into this.
I’ve now dismissed the idea totally, telling DP I won’t take annual leave for anything but DD as it’s unfair to prioritise a holiday over quality time with DD. DP knows that the “night shift” arrangement doesn’t work at the best of times as I’m totally exhausted by the 12 hour shifts, then running on 4 hours sleep and in turn has a knock on effect on my concentration levels which means DD isn’t getting my undivided attention - can also mean a potential compromise in patient safety which cannot happen.
DP is telling me I’m being selfish, I’m holding her back from the normalities of a healthy relationship and why should she have to miss out just because I don’t want to be tired for 2 weeks. I told her to go alone or with friends / family but she says I’m missing the point and that this is about US going away not with someone else. The problem is, we do go away… I regularly take her for long weekends away, last year alone we did Edinburgh, Manchester, North Wales & London - and this was without me taking any annual leave and simply organising trips on my block days off... but this is apparently not the same as a tropical holiday abroad. It’s costing nearly £2,000 which I said could be spent in much better ways for example on a more local weekend away in the UK, and on home improvements like new bedding, blankets, scented candles, new cookware, etc. this could also be used to support local food banks with any surplus money.
DP’s response was that she wants a hot holiday abroad not new bedding and candles. Again, understandable from her perspective.
DP now refusing to compromise on this and has backed me into a corner saying what’s the point in having a relationship with someone who isn’t able or willing to grow, make memories and share moments together and quote “would rather not be tired than to go on an amazing holiday” .
I see her point but her immaturity at the situation feels like a school playground argument. However, at the same time I feel like maybe I am being a bit selfish by just devoting the limited annual leave I get entirely on my DD. None of this is a financial based argument either - we’re both comfortable enough to be able to afford this.
AIBU not agreeing to go on holiday with DP? Help a man out here.. sometimes it takes outside perspective to reflect differently on a situation.
TIA.