A complete idiot. Strung along for 5 years

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Met partner 30 years ago. He was my Big Boss. Vvvv well known womaniser.
I returned 15 years ago as a v senior member of his staff but in a strange situation where each director was located in different town .
No clue what his view my appointment was but I was strongest candidate and 10 person panel including politicians. Think he probably wasn’t my greatest supporter
Been together 4.5 years. Long past us both retiring. Live v close 3 mins walk Didn’t move in together.
In Covid tho did everything together.
He said he would marry me on his significant birthday. Suddenly convo dropped not long before the big birthday

Our reason for marrying was that if whoever died last got £1500 every month till the day the survivor died, pension deal. Tbf we both wanted our wealth for our own children. Never expected anything except pension. None of our children or estate to be shared We are the only people who could benefit. Otherwise it goes back into the general pension pot for our profession

Last birthday he went to NZ after my birthday but before the weekend. Just me but I don’t ever celebrate before Would have liked a party.
This year (wedding year) nothing happened, ok but I would have liked a ring.
No discussion.
No Xmas present and a guide book for NY ( he’s taken at least 4 others before) for birthday.

can anyone explain any of this? I know he doesn’t want to marry me but I have been kind and I can’t explain how much this hurts.

I know I need to end it, but can anyone give me positive stories. I feel such a fool

I thought I was smart and saw him for a year before I slept with him.he’s now impotent. Just feel I have wasted those years and how do I rebuild at 61?

I'm sorry you are hurting so much over this idiot.
You say you first knew him as a well known womaniser so ... I suspect he doesn't want to be tied to one woman.
Frankly, I'd not marry solely for a monthly pension, especially when you have your own assets and means.
Please be the one to proactively end it, rather than sit by for further indignities.
Look after yourself.

61 is young!
You start to rebuild by knowing that you have taken a positive step for yourself by making the decision to walk away.
You can do it.

He's marking time with you. You're just company for him to see out his days so he isn't lonely at the end of his life.

I'd leave him personally

61! You write like someone who thinks they are 81! Why have you included so much information about work, jobs and pensions? It's a very weird way to frame your relationship. Why is getting married to this colleague so important to you? Have you been married before?

I am really confused by all this talk about pensions and some monthly advantage or not... He's impotent, so all you'd be getting is some company and this pension thing and a man you describe as a "womanizer" who is not keen to marry you, as the plus side. Not a great deal to be losing out on. You could have (in another universe, ie) married him four or five years ago and he could be dead by now. What would you do then? You would regather yourself and rebuild your life. But if you'd rather wait around for this man to dispense the odd bit of affection, and end up as his unpaid nursemaid sooner or later, then that is also a choice.

You could tell him how you feel, give him an ultimatum or you walk - I don't know. I think men are really overrated beyond a certain point. Many women of your age and older are perfectly happy as single women.

He’s impotent and shows no loyalty to you
You could do so much better
it would be like a business arrangement

Book your own holidays to exciting places !

You don't need this man in your life !

He will not marry you

There are much more pleasant & exciting people to meet malle & female

I disagree with PPs - 61 is not young. You’re too long in the tooth to be wasting the rest of your life with a man that sounds like a complete waste of space. If he’s impotent you’re not even getting the benefits of having a man around. Ditch the tosser and enjoy the rest of your life.

It sounds like you’ve got a good job and can support yourself. Are you really putting yourself through all of this for a £1500 a month pension?

To be blunt, what you do is get on with your life without this charmer. Why are you waiting around for a person who really doesn't care two hoots for you? Get up and do something else for you. Your life doesn't have to revolve around a person and his pension,unless of course that's the only reason you want to be with him?

Positive stories....? I could, but they're not simple (my mother met the love of her life at 59 for example). You need to write your own. You can.

I do know how money can distort thinking but please stop focusing on the pension and make your own plans. Start living your life properly, at 61 just as you did at 41 or 21. If you love him, and this rather distant connection is enough for you, that's actually OK. But it doesn't sound like it. What would the life you want look like? Start making it happen.

If you have children, don’t complicate their inheritance by marrying again. For all you know, he could have gambling debts that you’d then be liable for, if he died. I can see the temptation of £1500 a month, but still not worth it.

So he’s done you a favour in not marrying you. Sounds to me like it perhaps wasn’t the money you really wanted, but the wedding and the confirmation of his love and commitment that would have given you.

Honestly, I think you’d be better off alone. Find a friend to do things with. There must be others around who have lost their husbands and would appreciate some company.

Sorry but it sounds like you’re hanging in for the pension pot. He doesn’t want to marry you. Cut ties and go your own way. You never know you may meet the man of your dreams.

There's nothing to positively explain, unfortunately. As you said, he doesn't want to marry you.

He’s impotent too and he doesn’t want to marry you. There’s nothing left of this ‘relationship’. I know it hurts horribly. Grieve, be angry, cry, do all of that and pick yourself up again. Find someone who can properly love you.

Is marriage important for you?

Personally if you are happy and you’re not planning any more kids then why not just enjoy the relationship?

I definitely wouldn’t want to go through with the faff of being married when I’m 60.

Him being impotent needs a sensitive discussion and a trip to the GP.
I’m not sure why that’s relevant about you wanting to still marry him though.

There are many relationships that started and developed during covid times.
The majority of these relationships won’t last which can be seen from the multiple threads on here.

It is very possible that if this all happened during covid times he promised you the world because it was a bit of a crazy time and now everything’s back to normal he’s realising he actually doesn’t want that anymore.

I'm 61 too. Wasted 18 years with a similar man. I realised I don't need a relationship to be happy and I've learnt to love myself. You should too.

You know him as a womaniser.
You think he wasn’t your greatest supporter when you joined his staff
He doesn’t appear to care about you even on your birthdays
You have never lived together
He promised to marry you but then dropped that promise without explanation or challenge from you.
He doesn’t include you on holidays
You admit he doesn’t want to marry you - it’s just a (pretty poor) pension deal.
You are only 61 but retired years ago
He used you for company during covid when he couldn’t go anywhere else or use anybody else
He’s impotent.
You already know you have to end it.

Not much to end really is there. You cling on to this non-relationship for a bit of extra pension which you can’t really rely on at all, knowing how he goes back on his word.
Wake up and turn your life around. Stop relying on whatever fantasy you have of him and stop feeling so disappointed about it. He’s just somebody you used to work for. Find the positives within yourself. Tell him you don’t need his pension and you don’t want to be his carer.
Rely on yourself like you always used to. Use your kindness on yourself now. Stop wasting it on him. You have loads of life left in front of you and loads of successes to enjoy.
Make it happen !

What I can’t figure out from your post is whether you are unhappy at the relationship as a whole, or if you’re upset at not being married.

Either way, your happiness is in your hands. You’re only 61, hardly over the hill! I know several people who have met someone in their 60s and subsequently got married. Don’t put your happiness on him and focus on what you want from life.

OP, you can't marry someone just for the pension pot - you know that really. Don't worry about the 4.5 "wasted" years - the only time when I think it's relevant to say that you've "wasted" years in a relationship is if you want kids and you've spent your fertile years with a man who doesn't want them, which clearly isn't relevant to you. It sounds like you've had an interesting life and this is part of the tapestry of it. Move on to better things. My grandma met the love of her life in her late 50s.

Off topic but if you both have CEO/director level jobs, why are your occupational pensions worth only £1500 each? It doesn't extrapolate.

My positive story is that I'm 63, met DH when I was 53, we were mad about each other from day 1, and he wanted to get married. Which we did. I've never been happier.

You need to think about what you want out of this relationship - you seem to be getting very little . Personally I'd move on. Life is too short to put up with this.

@LAMPS1 message may sound blunt @Viviennethebeautiful but it is spot on.
You deserve better. Make it happen.

Probably because it's a widow(er)'s pension which is a smaller amount for the survivor?