A complete idiot. Strung along for 5 years

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Met partner 30 years ago. He was my Big Boss. Vvvv well known womaniser.
I returned 15 years ago as a v senior member of his staff but in a strange situation where each director was located in different town .
No clue what his view my appointment was but I was strongest candidate and 10 person panel including politicians. Think he probably wasn’t my greatest supporter
Been together 4.5 years. Long past us both retiring. Live v close 3 mins walk Didn’t move in together.
In Covid tho did everything together.
He said he would marry me on his significant birthday. Suddenly convo dropped not long before the big birthday

Our reason for marrying was that if whoever died last got £1500 every month till the day the survivor died, pension deal. Tbf we both wanted our wealth for our own children. Never expected anything except pension. None of our children or estate to be shared We are the only people who could benefit. Otherwise it goes back into the general pension pot for our profession

Last birthday he went to NZ after my birthday but before the weekend. Just me but I don’t ever celebrate before Would have liked a party.
This year (wedding year) nothing happened, ok but I would have liked a ring.
No discussion.
No Xmas present and a guide book for NY ( he’s taken at least 4 others before) for birthday.

can anyone explain any of this? I know he doesn’t want to marry me but I have been kind and I can’t explain how much this hurts.

I know I need to end it, but can anyone give me positive stories. I feel such a fool

To everyone who responded, thank you.
Sorry my earlier post was confusing I just couldn’t think straight.
Yes I retired 6 years ago (I know how lucky I am) with a v healthy pension. While rules have now changed they are not retrospective so we do need to be married to benefit.
I suppose I focus on the pension as that is the one practical reason for marriage.
I do love him but i don’t think he loves me any more.
I was on my own for 10 years after a pretty shitty long marriage.
Never thought I would find anyone else so it was a huge surprise when this happened.
It started a year before Covid. COVID definitely changed the dynamics though as we could only see each other.
We do holiday together mostly but he did go to see his new grandson in New Zealand as soon as restrictions lifted The week of my 60th birthday.
He was 70 this year and I really made a huge deal of it yet 6 weeks later I get a guide book to New York a place he had taken 4 women to before (that I know of). I gave him a guide book for his birthday but we jetted off to that place the next day.
You helped me see I wouldn’t lose a lot if we split. I worry about being lonely but don’t we all?
@LAMPS you are spot on and @AuntieJune soft cocked chancer made me laugh. Thank you
i know I am fortunate financially. But I still hurt and fear being lonely

Survivors’ pension payout is a lot less. When my DH died his occupational pension passed to me and it was less than half the full amount.

OP, I started again at 62. My DH died when I was 59 and I met the man who is now my husband the year after. It took a while to get to anything more than friends - partly because I was still grieving and nowhere near ready for a relationship and partly, I think, because of the natural caution that comes with age.

Don’t write yourself off - it’s never too late, and there are decent men out there. I think you know you need to end things, and I think after a while you’ll be surprised by the peace of mind it’ll give you to realise that you have the freedom to do as you wish, without worrying about what the future holds for you with this unreliable and selfish man.

Surely it's lonelier to be in an unloving marriage with someone you're never sure of, than it is to be on your own, especially if you have adult children in the picture?

@Viviennethebeautiful I don't think his issue is about you. You say he has a long record of being a womaniser, and that doesn't appear to have changed. Did you think he would change for you? Or just that increased age would limit his norty ways? Neither of these have happened. So, it doesn't sound it is personal, and please try not to let it knock your self esteem. I think any woman in a relationship with him would be in this situation now. Personally, I would concentrate on moving on, and seeing what other options there are.

He's a future-faking, womanizing knob.
Just bin him OP.
I know it's upsetting but he's just been stringing you along, wanting someone there in his later years - you're 10 years younger than him so he probably thinks you'll see him out as it were.
It's weird how you only mention the pension pot as a reason to marry him. Just shows you aren't that into him either.
At 61 you aren't young anymore as other people are saying.... you do have limited years yet and health issues could strike at any time, so you absolutely should not be wasting another minute of your precious life on him.

If you took away the pension pot, what are you staying for?

Even if you did stay for the pension, there’s no telling who will die first or how long after the other would survive.

hes a well known womaniser - when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Sure he may not have the swagger he once had but the mentality that goes with the womaniser hasn’t gone anywhere.

I do love him but i don’t think he loves me any more.

If he found out recently about his impotence, this could be a huge blow for his self-esteem, as your partner and as a womanizer. So maybe now he's more bitter, or lazy, or more cynical and indifferent than before to the idea of getting married. And I suspect that you are so shy and ashamed of your feelings, that you almost managed to convince him (and yourself too) that you want a marriage just ”for the pension”, when in fact the pension is more likely a practical excuse and you really want him as a husband because you love him.

In any case, please don't be so harsh to yourself. You aren't an idiot at all! You fell in love with him as he was 30 years ago, and usually this situation creates the most enduring feelings when the partners are separated and reunited later in life. Too bad he isn't like you, or he isn't like you anymore. Enjoy what you have, remain friends, if you still find something that you appreciate in this relationship. Or tell him that in fact you wanted a marriage because you love him, not because of the money, and since he can't reciprocate, the disappointment is too hard to bear and you want to end this relationship.

Thank you so much.
While the truth hurts it’s what I needed to hear
Yes you are right I want to marry. The pension is just my way of justifying it. Although when I read your comments I cannot find any rational reason why the hell I do want to marry him
Is there any way I can save this thread so I can reread it when I wobble? I know it lasts 90 days but our paths will cross at times because we live so close and when ex colleagues have events (or funerals)

What anomalies @cormorant5 ?

@SecretsIWouldNeverTell , I was referring to ages, years retired, pension. At 10.05 I was confused, Op has clarified in her own posts later.

Brilliant post. Of course 61 isn't old.

OP.... start living your life for you. Enjoy it.

I suspect covid made the relationship last a good deal longer than it would have under normal circumstances.

I've seen people I know who were somewhat thrown together during that time end up engaged only to come to their senses, thankfully. I've also seen roommates who have mutually decided never to see or speak to each other again after the unnatural closeness ended. It was a strange time.

Cut your losses here. If you're fit and healthy and have a certain amount of disposable incme and time, your life can be filled with fun and friends, and possibly some special someone who is genuine and honest and capable of enhancing your life, not playing games with you.

@Viviennethebeautiful you can copy and paste the entire thread into a Word document.

Is there any way I can save this thread so I can reread it when I wobble? I know it lasts 90 days but our paths will cross at times because we live so close and when ex colleagues have events (or funerals)

You've posted in AIBU, so it's not going anywhere, but it is good to consolidate any fact pointed out that help you stand strong and feel clearer.

Actually, I don't think you do want to marry him. I reckon you are getting your signals crossed. You're looking for 'resolution' to a storyline which has been fixed in your mind for many years. You need to disengage from this and start to view alternative, happy and positive, pathways ahead! He will probably become eager to marry as you wake up and set sail - don't be fooled - his story isn't yours. Don't become a nurse with a purse.

Your mangled message makes me wonder how people manage to get top jobs. If you think receiving an extra pension of 1500 pm is wealth, what more can I say? You said it all.

Do let us know how you get on! Don’t wobble, stay resolute and know that you’re worth so much more than the crumbs he’s feeding you.

Thank you for everyone’s support. It has really clarified my thinking and helped me plan a way forward and rebuilding my life.

This place is truly humbling in the way it helps people you have never met to think through things

To those who were confused originally I am so sorry I was confused and has also had some wine (a terrible combination)

Just one very genuine query.@LoisLane66 Isn’t an addition of £1500 per month a considerable sum? My own pension is double that,so an extra 50% on top every month does seem wealth to me. Am I out of touch?

More generally you have all absolutely helped me me see the money isn’t worth the lowering of my self esteem.

But he’d have to die first for you to get it. Imagine he was on a forum asking advice about whether it was worth marrying you because once you were dead, he’d get 50% more income to add to his wealth. What would you think of him?

Wow.

What an incredibly compassionate and insightful post. Be my best friend?

So many divorced men out there who have buried themselves in work and come to retirement age and realize they have 20 years ahead of them and actually want a partner. 61 is nothing and any online dating site is full of these guys. Why not find one who loves you, wants to spend time with you and brings way more than £1500/month for every month he is alive !!!!!!!! Take action today and head over to the dating forum OP!!!!

All the best to you. I hope u find someone lovely x

You don't have sex, you don't live together, you're not married and have no joint finances... are you sure you're in a relationship? The way he's treating you, you sound like not great mates tbh.
MOVE. ON. He probably already has

I think I sort of understand this. A pension can be a funny business, psychologically. In the OP’s case, perhaps she feels this guy ‘owes’ her something as she’s given him many of ‘the best years of her life’. I stayed in the same job for many years - perhaps not the best for my personal growth and happiness - partly for the pension. MN might have condemned that!? But now I am retired the generous pension is an absolute godsend in these difficult times. As an unmarried person, financial independence and security was always very high on my list. I’m not a big believer in the longevity and stability of ‘lurve’ and marriage. Now I’m 73, and in a companionable relationship. I can’t bear the thought of my pension that I worked so hard for all those years just disappearing after I die, to be swallowed back up by the company. (Many pensions are absolutely not transferable unless to a legal partner.) And the value of my house (which has increased so much, over the years) incurring death duties that the government will swallow up. So my DP and I - he is slightly younger and fitter- have contracted a civil partnership, purely on practical, financial grounds. It’s not a crime to think about money or to play safe (though it may not be terribly romantic or joyful). But it is perhaps unwise to confuse emotion with financial matters.