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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A complete idiot. Strung along for 5 years

111 replies

Viviennethebeautiful · 09/05/2023 00:43

Met partner 30 years ago. He was my Big Boss. Vvvv well known womaniser.
I returned 15 years ago as a v senior member of his staff but in a strange situation where each director was located in different town .
No clue what his view my appointment was but I was strongest candidate and 10 person panel including politicians. Think he probably wasn’t my greatest supporter
Been together 4.5 years. Long past us both retiring. Live v close 3 mins walk Didn’t move in together.
In Covid tho did everything together.
He said he would marry me on his significant birthday. Suddenly convo dropped not long before the big birthday

Our reason for marrying was that if whoever died last got £1500 every month till the day the survivor died, pension deal. Tbf we both wanted our wealth for our own children. Never expected anything except pension. None of our children or estate to be shared We are the only people who could benefit. Otherwise it goes back into the general pension pot for our profession

Last birthday he went to NZ after my birthday but before the weekend. Just me but I don’t ever celebrate before Would have liked a party.
This year (wedding year) nothing happened, ok but I would have liked a ring.
No discussion.
No Xmas present and a guide book for NY ( he’s taken at least 4 others before) for birthday.

can anyone explain any of this? I know he doesn’t want to marry me but I have been kind and I can’t explain how much this hurts.

I know I need to end it, but can anyone give me positive stories. I feel such a fool

OP posts:
AndSoFinally · 09/05/2023 07:21

You probably have, but have you looked at the T&Cs for the pension.

Most pensions you can nominate someone you live with as a spouse, without being married. Is this case? Or do you not live together?

EmmaEmerald · 09/05/2023 07:25

I also find the post oddly written and can't pinpoint if you are upset about the possible end of the relationship or something else?

No judgement here, people have relationships for all sorts of reasons but hopefully there's separate money here.

TimesRwo · 09/05/2023 07:26

Also, when I’ve had a relationship that hasn’t ended how I hoped, rather than looking at it as wasted years, I try and focus on the good memories and tell myself at least we had some fun.

SpringNotSprung · 09/05/2023 07:27

Good point @Spookysnake

GrannieD · 09/05/2023 07:31

It sounds like one of those sarcastic BoJo/PH/insert name here stories......

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2023 07:32

Tbh,it sounds like you're staying with him for the money. You don't seem to like each other, and it's the only reason you gave for wanting to marry him in your op.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 09/05/2023 07:33

EmmaEmerald · 09/05/2023 07:25

I also find the post oddly written and can't pinpoint if you are upset about the possible end of the relationship or something else?

No judgement here, people have relationships for all sorts of reasons but hopefully there's separate money here.

I also found the end really strange, guide books and going to NZ before something?

and I’m confused about being long past retirement but only 61.

From that which I could gather, you aren’t getting anything out of this. Cut your losses and run.

Spookysnake · 09/05/2023 07:39

61 is not young, but also not very old - you could have 20-30 years left, so stop wasting time and do something positive for yourself. Why are you pinning everything on this loser when there is a whole world out there to enjoy?

FatAgain · 09/05/2023 07:40

OP, all is not lost: my mum left my dad when she was 61, did a phd, travelled and made new interesting friends. We always thought he best days started when she left him. You can do this 🤘

shockthemonkey · 09/05/2023 07:47

The pension talk and the guide books at NY distracted me. He took four guide books before? Confused, sorry.

2bazookas · 09/05/2023 07:52

You sold yourself for £1500 a year ?

He's decided you're not worth it.  

 Neither is he, so  it's time to move on.
IhateTrolls · 09/05/2023 07:54

loislovesstewie · 09/05/2023 06:14

To be blunt, what you do is get on with your life without this charmer. Why are you waiting around for a person who really doesn't care two hoots for you? Get up and do something else for you. Your life doesn't have to revolve around a person and his pension,unless of course that's the only reason you want to be with him?

This is not good for your self-esteem, it’s harmful.

OnYerBikeSteve · 09/05/2023 07:59

Do you want to marry him? It doesn't sound like it really.

I might be missing something but it feels a bit odd that you foreground how you got your last job, and how many other women he's taken to NYC, yet not what your family think of him or where you both planned to live after marriage, etc.

Limer · 09/05/2023 07:59

OP, your post is full of "I would have liked...."

Did you ask him about these things you were hoping for? You sound very passive. In a relationship with a "vvvv well-known womaniser" and believing every word he says? You sound like a teenager, not a retired top professional in her sixties.

What's NZ and NY?

LunaNorth · 09/05/2023 08:01

Do you even love him? Or like him?

Tbf, I wouldn’t marry someone who looked into my eyes and saw a pension pot.

AFishCalledKeith · 09/05/2023 08:03

He said he would marry me on his significant birthday.

A few weeks ago I was at a wedding where the groom stood up and told a crowd of people how marrying his fiance was the easiest decision in the world. A total no brainer.

That's what you want, OP. Not someone who comes up with a piss poor excuse not to do it now. Who strings you along for a date that is irrelevant to marriage.

Stop settling for this no mark and tell him to jog on.

CabernetSauvignon · 09/05/2023 08:03

2bazookas · 09/05/2023 07:52

You sold yourself for £1500 a year ?

He's decided you're not worth it.  

 Neither is he, so  it's time to move on.

£1500 a month.

shockthemonkey · 09/05/2023 08:06

@Limer , NZ is New Zealand I think, NY is New Year (she got nothing for Christmas but a guide book for New Year). He’s taken four guide books already. That’s probably not good.

HappyintheHills · 09/05/2023 08:07

Isn’t NY New York and he’s taken 4 women previously?

MillieMollieMandy1 · 09/05/2023 08:09

Well 'Viviennethebeautiful' posted a long complicated post just after midnight and didn't return......

shockthemonkey · 09/05/2023 08:12

Could be right, hills! But it was mentioned in the same sentence as Christmas so… 🤔

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2023 08:13

Indeed @MillieMollieMandy1
And so many unlikelihoods too (top job and writes like that?!? Unlikely) and irrelevancies.
Purely designed to get us frothing about gold diggers.

nettie434 · 09/05/2023 08:19

I assumed it was a guide book for New York, a place where he had already taken 4 other women.

it comes across that actually you want more from the relationship than he does.

Littlewhitecat · 09/05/2023 08:22

For a 61 year old woman with a senior job you are being incredibly passive. You expected a guide book on New York (presumably with tickets to follow) for Christmas on the basis your partner has taken for women there previously? It's not a rule that if you've taken other partners somewhere you have to take all subsequent partners to the same place. Imagine a friend saying this to you - how would you respond. Sounds like you want to be surprised and swept off your feet ( and who doesn't) but it's not going to happen. All him outright and then deal with the inevitable answers.

TheKobayashiMaru · 09/05/2023 08:23

LAMPS1 · 09/05/2023 07:09

You know him as a womaniser.
You think he wasn’t your greatest supporter when you joined his staff
He doesn’t appear to care about you even on your birthdays
You have never lived together
He promised to marry you but then dropped that promise without explanation or challenge from you.
He doesn’t include you on holidays
You admit he doesn’t want to marry you - it’s just a (pretty poor) pension deal.
You are only 61 but retired years ago
He used you for company during covid when he couldn’t go anywhere else or use anybody else
He’s impotent.
You already know you have to end it.

Not much to end really is there. You cling on to this non-relationship for a bit of extra pension which you can’t really rely on at all, knowing how he goes back on his word.
Wake up and turn your life around. Stop relying on whatever fantasy you have of him and stop feeling so disappointed about it. He’s just somebody you used to work for. Find the positives within yourself. Tell him you don’t need his pension and you don’t want to be his carer.
Rely on yourself like you always used to. Use your kindness on yourself now. Stop wasting it on him. You have loads of life left in front of you and loads of successes to enjoy.
Make it happen !

Couldn't have said it better myself

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