A complete idiot. Strung along for 5 years

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Met partner 30 years ago. He was my Big Boss. Vvvv well known womaniser.
I returned 15 years ago as a v senior member of his staff but in a strange situation where each director was located in different town .
No clue what his view my appointment was but I was strongest candidate and 10 person panel including politicians. Think he probably wasn’t my greatest supporter
Been together 4.5 years. Long past us both retiring. Live v close 3 mins walk Didn’t move in together.
In Covid tho did everything together.
He said he would marry me on his significant birthday. Suddenly convo dropped not long before the big birthday

Our reason for marrying was that if whoever died last got £1500 every month till the day the survivor died, pension deal. Tbf we both wanted our wealth for our own children. Never expected anything except pension. None of our children or estate to be shared We are the only people who could benefit. Otherwise it goes back into the general pension pot for our profession

Last birthday he went to NZ after my birthday but before the weekend. Just me but I don’t ever celebrate before Would have liked a party.
This year (wedding year) nothing happened, ok but I would have liked a ring.
No discussion.
No Xmas present and a guide book for NY ( he’s taken at least 4 others before) for birthday.

can anyone explain any of this? I know he doesn’t want to marry me but I have been kind and I can’t explain how much this hurts.

I know I need to end it, but can anyone give me positive stories. I feel such a fool

Move on… Start some new hobbies and enjoy yourself without this man.

Been together 4.5 years. Long past us both retiring.

I thought you were going to say you were in your 70s with the retiring comment and focus on pensions, but you're only 61. Most people aren't even retired by then. See this as a very lucky escape for all the reasons PP listed. He's a selfish, impotent, lying arse! Don't be strung along, stand up for yourself, cut him loose and enjoy not being married to a twat like that. You'll likely find someone much better in time but better to be happy with yourself than tied to someone like that for a pitiful pension. You must be minted anyway with such a vvvvv senior career and you could always work again if needs be.

Love this @FatAgain ♥️

It's also hard to see what the appeal ever was, with a vvvv well-known womaniser who wasn't keen on hiring you. Maybe covid loneliness is to blame, but do get help to work on your self-esteem rather than getting this guy back or regretting getting rid of him.

My mistake. But he still doesn't think she's worth that much dead or alive.

Dump him and buy yourself a ring. Seriously.

In all honesty you sound sorry for yourself - you sound like you have some wealth, retired well before 61 (Millennial here with 67 retirement age by which time pensions will be worth 20p a year, so limited sympathy I'm afraid)

You've got family, health, enough money to live on, a property by the sounds of it - you're living the flipping dream, don't be on a downer just because some soft-cocked chancer won't buy you a ring from Argos!

Why are you so passive? Is it just with him or is this a pattern in your relationships? It's far easier in life to work out what you want then go out and get it then sit by hoping Prince Charming will happen by and whisk you off.

Why do you want to marry this man? Is it really just about the pension?

I'm with the 'love of my life' after 40 years during which we both met and married other people. We remet just as I was getting divorced and his wife died but we have no intention of ever getting married. We each have our own pension and share living expenses. No worries upon our deaths as our wills leave our 'estate' directly to our children. So much simpler.

Meanwhile OP you can do so much better for yourself than this impotent womaniser. Life is short once you get past 60 so do make the best of it and dump this man.

This, 100%

You sound like you only wanted to marry for the extra pension anyway. There's no guarantees by the way he would die first. Inheritance becomes so messy for second marriages I would want to safeguard my assets for my dc.

And the death = pension plan is great unless he gets a degenerative disease that means you have to spend ten years nursing him and after that your joint assets count towards nursing costs

Couldn't have put it better myself. Brilliant post @LAMPS1 .

@Viviennethebeautiful I know that post by LAMPS1 was probably hard to hear, but she has summed it up very well. You need to ditch this absolute loser. You're desperate for a ring on your finger just to get this pension. If you DO marry him, and he doesn't die for another quarter century (which is very possible,) you will be his bloody full time carer, chief cook and bottle washer, and his maid. I bet he never lifts a finger around the house. He sounds like the type to think it's 'womens work.'

Please try and find happiness and security in yourself, and being alone. You don't need a man. You have already stated you are OK financially, although I am a bit confused how you retired years ago when you're 61. But that is your business.

As someone knocking the door of 60 myself, I do wish people would stop this silly nonsense that 61 is YOUNG though. It's really not, and it's putting false ideas and false hope in peoples heads, that they will meet their 'Prince Charming' and go on to have a lovely new fruitful life with their new beau! I am sure there are a few people who were divorced/widowed/single at 58, 60, 62, 65 etc, and met someone new, and went on to live happily ever after, but in reality, this is unlikely to happen for the vast majority of people.

Wow. Just break up with him. You are financially independent and don't need this joy-leech in your life.
Go on holidays. See your family. Date if you want to. You're only 61!!! You could have well over 30 years life still to live. By today's standards you almost certainly have another 20 before you even start getting frail. Go and have fun with family, friends, potential new partners.

You don’t sound as if you love each other. You say you’re senior but the way you write is really confusing. It sounds as if you want a man who will give you grand gestures maybe to prove how much they love you-but your post read as though you don’t love him-just an obsession with his pension which, if you’re as well off as you imply, doesn’t matter that much. Don’t tie yourself to someone for that.

I appreciate (being older myself) how difficult it is when you are older to radically alter the status quo, and make big life changes. Its like you no longer have the mental and physical energy for it!
However, the OP needs to dig deep and realise, that she must start to be selfish at this time in her life and put herself and her hapiness first. I have had too many friends who have hung around waiting to do things when they were older missing out when health or circumstances meant they were unable to carr out their plans.
Put him out of your mind OP, and start factoring your happiness and future (he's not thinking of you is he?)
Do your travelling, join groups if necessary don't dilly dally waiting around for a man who is now impotent!
I'm sure you are worth more than that!!!

Good luck

You do not need to be married to receive a survivor's pension.

Yes, what happens to the finances if either of you get really ill? He wouldn’t be hanging around would he,

Don't see it as 5 years wasted or strung along. It has been company with someone you've known well and liked. It doesn't sound like love particularly, or even desire for marriage, more that you'd got used to the idea and allowed yourself to become a bit excited. Doesn't sound like you need the money. He's probably had a rethink re assets and his grown up kids and wants to quietly back out of marriage whilst retaining the companionship or slowly letting it wind down hence a low effort (for him) birthday trip. Why not cut your losses and either enjoy what you've worked for, or if you'd like a bit of romance then look for that via the usual advice- hobbies etc. 61 is no age! Try and see the positives and move on if this is no longer going in the direction you would like.

This would seem more honest if @Viviennethebeautiful came back and responded to some of the anomalies in her OP

You seem so sure he is going to die before you. Why is that? What if you get married and pop your clogs then he is left with your pension for years. Its not worth it.

@shockthemonkey

🤣🤣I think he took 4 other women
to NY, not guide books 🤣🤣

I can't help with much more as I'm thoroughly confused!

except to say @Viviennethebeautiful why the hell are you wasting your life in this womanising bell end? £1500 a month additional pension would be wonderful (for me it would be a lot in pension!) but it's not worth sacrificing your current life for!! It's really not.

I don't really understand what either if you are getting out if this right now, I can see HE thinks he's securing someone to look after him as he ages, is that what you what when he's currently giving you so little???

wise up my lovely & end this nonsense.

Why the need to either get married or end it? Can't you just continue as companions? And if he can get help for his impotence, you could be lovers too? What do you gain by ending it?

You can leave your pension to anyone you like.

why are you so hung up about marriage? Do you actually like him, and spending time with him? The why the post is written it’s more like a business arrangement, and talks about finances rather than friendship.

If you like spending time with him, could you ditch the marriage idea (if you retired by 60, guess you’re financially secure) and just enjoy life with him as a companion/partner. You don’t have to marry. Live together if that suits you, or maintain separate houses (Judi Dench does this with her long term partner).

Regarding birthdays presents, did he know you expected a big present and a party? If you didn’t let on, then maybe he didn’t know. Sone men are just not into presents like women are.

Ypu absolutely cant. Im nhs and single and it upsets me just thinking how wasted it will be.