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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ibiza after cheating

115 replies

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:42

My boyfriend cheated on me not long ago on a night out. He has never done this before and he is remorseful. He wants us to try again and so do I now we’ve had some time apart. He had a lads holiday booked a while ago to Ibiza, long before the one night fling he had. AIBU to expect him not to go? I’ve told him he needs to stay here. He asked me if I minded him going out of interest.

OP posts:
Prisonbreak · 08/05/2023 22:46

I don’t think anyone should tell another what they can or can’t do. Your trust has been broken and you are understandably cautious but you can’t control him

Original poster
Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:47

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/05/2023 22:48

You either trust him or you don’t. If you do then the trip should be fine just as I’m assuming it was before you found out about the cheating. If you don’t trust him then just end it. Nothing good can come from a relationship with no trust.

Florenz · 08/05/2023 22:49

If he is going to cheat, he doesn't have to go to Ibiza to do it.

Original poster
Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:49

Yeh it was booked when we were together. I just think he should help me to trust him.

OP posts:
Elfandwellbeing · 08/05/2023 22:50

I don’t think you should be telling him what to do, it sounds like you think it would be best if he decided not to go. Here’s the thing, if he’s going to dip his wick again. He will. Ibiza or not. Make him work for the relationship, don’t make yourself the controlling girlfriend by telling him he can’t go.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/05/2023 22:50

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:47

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

I get where you are coming from but won’t work. You either forgive and move on or you don’t and should end it.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/05/2023 22:50

How old are you and do you have children together? You can't force him to not go. However if he was genuine about proving himself to you he would be the first to suggest it. I'd write the relationship off don't waste your time.

Guavafish1 · 08/05/2023 22:50

I don't think you should tell him not to go... it won't prevent him doing it again.

How long will you tell him not to go on lads holidays, solo trips and other things alone? 6 months, a year or all the time.

surreysarah · 08/05/2023 22:51

No way should he be going on that trip. He needs to prove to you that he can be trusted again and that you’re the woman he wants to be with too!

Elfandwellbeing · 08/05/2023 22:52

Staying close to you might rebuild your trust. It doesn’t mean it will cure his wandering eyes and hands.

Original poster
Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:53

It’s still pretty fresh for me. I’m trying to move on. No we don’t have children together. I’m 31.

OP posts:
Lesina · 08/05/2023 22:53

How long have you been together? How invested are you in the relationship. He could cheat in the local McDonalds if he wants to. The location isn’t important.

Maybe think about why you want to be with someone who betrayed your trust?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2023 22:53

Your relationship is over, so let it be over. The trust is gone.

PaigeMatthews · 08/05/2023 22:54

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:49

Yeh it was booked when we were together. I just think he should help me to trust him.

How does him not going on holiday help you to trust him? Surely him going and not cheating accomplished that. Him staying in your sight just means there is no trust.

but anyway, you should end the relationship. Whats the point?

Original poster
Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:54

He’s a good man really. Treats me well. We have had long chats and we want to get though this. I know people do.

OP posts:
MXVIT · 08/05/2023 22:54

Either you trust him or you don't.

If you trust him - he should go

If you don't - you shouldn't be together

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2023 22:56

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:53

It’s still pretty fresh for me. I’m trying to move on. No we don’t have children together. I’m 31.

You're going to waste the most fertile years of your life with a man who has already betrayed you? A man who shattered your trust just so he could get a leg over some other woman?

It is fucking madness to stay with him.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 08/05/2023 22:56

Trust is earned not given, but I also think you shouldn't be giving things another go until you trust him because without trust you have no relationship.

If he's going to cheat, he will, be it in Ibiza or down the local pub. He's either learned his lesson or learned he can get away with it - time will tell which.

As hard as it seems, controlling him makes you no better then him cheating on you.

PaigeMatthews · 08/05/2023 22:56

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:54

He’s a good man really. Treats me well. We have had long chats and we want to get though this. I know people do.

How does he treat you well?

how did you find out he cheated?

what in your mind is the number of times it id acceptable for him to have sex with someone else before you end the relationship?

Ruthietuthie · 08/05/2023 22:58

You are 31? Far too old for this mess. This should be the stage of your life when you are building something solid and wonderful with someone who doesn't bring you unhappiness.
Trust me, there are plenty of really lovely men out there who won't cheat. If you had children, perhaps (but really, probably not) it would be worth trying again, "rebuilding the trust," but this just isn't worth it.
Don't try and repair something that is so broken. Relationships should make you happier, not bring you worry.
He'll cheat whether he is Ibiza or at home. Dump him and find someone else.

Doyoumind · 08/05/2023 22:59

You telling him he can't go isn't going to help your relationship. I don't think you have a right to tell him not to go. It all seems immature. If you don't trust him, end it. He cheated on you. Why would you accept that? What's so great about him that you have to lower yourself to that?

sugarspices · 08/05/2023 23:00

I don't think it's as simple as if you trust him he goes, and if you don't then don't be with him. Why would you trust him? He just cheated on you. If you're both serious about rebuilding the trust in the relationship then that will take time and possibly some sacrifice from him. Honestly I'd let him know that you aren't comfortable with it. If he goes, he isn't serious about rebuilding the relationship and you should move on!

stillbejeweled · 08/05/2023 23:02

You can rebuild trust by never letting him out of your sight that's not reasonable or realistic. If you don't trust him (and you've every right not to) then don't stay with him.

He should be able to go anywhere without shagging someone so home or Ibiza, if he's gonna cheat, he'll cheat.

stillbejeweled · 08/05/2023 23:03

That's supposed to say can't!

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