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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ibiza after cheating

115 replies

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:42

My boyfriend cheated on me not long ago on a night out. He has never done this before and he is remorseful. He wants us to try again and so do I now we’ve had some time apart. He had a lads holiday booked a while ago to Ibiza, long before the one night fling he had. AIBU to expect him not to go? I’ve told him he needs to stay here. He asked me if I minded him going out of interest.

OP posts:

2chocolateoranges · 09/05/2023 07:48

You deserve better, if he can’t be faithful at home there is no chance he will be faithful In Ibiza!

cut your losses and find yourself a real good man who treats you with respect.

slowquickstep · 09/05/2023 07:50

He cheated, you don't trust him. No point in getting back together because he will always cheat and you will always feel like crap.

Notanothernewname · 09/05/2023 08:01

He cheated on you, you have no kids, get rid. If you still want to try after he's been to Ibiza then go ahead. Use his holiday to Ibiza as a way of clearing your head and making your mind up.

bamboonights · 09/05/2023 08:29

My exH did this once before we were married and I forgave him. We married several years later then he did it again when my Dc were babies. I have brought up both of my children to learn about emotional intelligence and how lack of it can severely hurt another person and break up families. If it's the last thing I do I want them to understand that other people's feelings matter.

FiddleLeaf · 09/05/2023 08:33

He’s going on a lads holiday in his thirties & it’s not a stag + cheating… in the bin.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/05/2023 08:35

You can’t tell him not to go. But seeing as he has form, and he’ll be a long way from home and fairly safe as to you finding anything out, I’d fully expect him to cheat again.

LumpyPumpkin · 09/05/2023 09:06

You either trust him or you don't. He didn't have to be in Ibiza to cheat last time.

I think telling him not to go is just going to create resentment. And where does it stop? Will he never be able to go out anywhere again because the trust is broken?

You should leave him if you don't trust him not to cheat again.

Softoprider · 09/05/2023 13:19

"You're going to waste the most fertile years of your life with a man who has alreadybetrayed you? A man who shattered your trust just so he could get a leg over some other woman?

It is fucking madness to stay with him."

This

Whattodo112222 · 09/05/2023 13:21

Its very clear cut in this situation. You either trust him and he goes or you end it. You can't control him.

Yogazmum · 09/05/2023 13:35

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:54

He’s a good man really. Treats me well. We have had long chats and we want to get though this. I know people do.

He treats you well… apart from letting his penis fall into other women’s vaginas! 🙄
There is no way on Earth he will manage to keep it in his pants in Ibiza I’m afraid.
Cut your losses now.
He’s turning you into a needy, insecure person.
It will end in a few months anyway as there’s no way you’ll be able to build the trust back up after he’s cheated so early on in the relationship.
Gather your dignity and tell him to do one.

Bookworm20 · 09/05/2023 14:12

You've said he's OK with not going on holiday. He's not. If he was he would have just cancelled it.

This. This is what you need to listen to.

He is making you make the decision. He's telling you he isn't bothered, so he is coming across as all so reasonable, hoping you'll not want to look like a jealous GF and say he can't go. I mean he's being so reasonable about it, right?
He has even got YOU feeling bad now, for not wanting him to go! He shouldn't even be putting you in that position. HE should of immediately cancelled the damn holiday ffs, It shouldn't even be part of a conversation right now!

He cheated on you, and if he was really wanting to work on your relationship and regain your trust, going to ibiza on a bloody lads holiday should be the absolute last thing he would consider. And yet, he hasn't exactly NOT considered it has he? He hasn't cancelled it yet because he's laying that whole decision at your feet!

Instead, its all on you now, whether he goes. Thats lovely of him isn't it!

Of course you can't tell someone they can't go. I think I'd go with 'do whatever you want to do'. and then when he jets off, get rid of him.

Someone who loves you does not cheat on you OP. Ever. At all. And they certainly do not then even consider going on a bloody lads holiday afterwards.

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 09/05/2023 15:55

Let him go, and let him go.

If you truly trusted him and believed he wouldn't do it again you wouldn't ask him not to go. But you don't trust him (and rightly so) and I doubt you'll ever really trust him again.

Don't waste your life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2023 20:31

This is a common tactic. "Do you mind if I...?" It's invariably something borderline dodgy, but if you say yes, you're controlling. If you say no, you're a mug. It's so neat.

I choose to be neither. DH tried this a few times in the beginning of our relationship. My responses varied along the theme of, "I think it's twatish but you make your own mind up".

Copperoliverbear · 09/05/2023 22:18

If he's going to cheat he will do it anywhere Ibiza or not, if you can't trust him don't go back. X

5128gap · 09/05/2023 22:32

I don't know OP. You shouldn't have to chain a dog to the railings to make it stay on the porch. You understandably dont trust him, but i dont think the answer to that is to stop him doing the things that are normal in your relationship (which I assume lads holidays were, given he booked it before and you were fine with it) and 'stay close' so you can keep your eye on him. Its a miserable way to have to live for you.
Also, you can't build up trust that he won't stray when you know he can't anyway, as he's always with you.
Personally if you feel you can't trust him I don't see the point in bothering trying again really. There are other men out there who you wouldn't feel the need to restrict.

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